If you gave up everything you were supposed to give up in January you’d never leave your house. Oh, wait…
So just what level of sadistic, evil, weasel do you have to be to declare the first month of the year the perfect time to say no to anything remotely fun?
Because unless you work for SAGE – in which case you’ve probably got a slide to justify this – the coldest, darkest, skintest, depressing time of the year is no time to inflict more pain on yourself.
Take Veganuary. No, seriously, peas do (leftover cracker joke alert). Because most of us can’t even pronounce it. So how stupid is it to invent a word that looks silly, sounds silly and means you have to live on sprouts.
Which are probably in short supply due to Brexit and the fact everyone stockpiled this spawn of Satan before Christmas.
This UK-based campaign has been run since 2014 and asks us to pledge to follow a diet free of animal products for the month. Last year 400,000 people signed up.
This year they want 500,000.
The thinking goes it’s not only good for your health, but it also benefits the planet. Though given the amount of methane a diet of sprouts can cause probably don’t hold your breath on this one. Or, actually, maybe do.
As if a month facing a constant bombardment of vegetables – though at least the Government has given us some practice – wasn’t bad enough, we’re also encouraged to give up alcohol.
Dry January has been a thing since 2013 and means hauling our livers out of the festivities and into a brave new world of green slime drinks and three litres of water a day. Though as wine is made of grapes, which are vegan, that’s allowed.
For those who want to be really virtuous, January 2021 is also Walk Your Dog Month. Like there are seriously people who have to be told to do this? It’s also National Mentoring Month which, I think, means you have to lead by example and be supportive. Possibly not one for Bozzo.
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The list is seriously endless. If you’re struggling with the concept of four weeks, how about just one? Coming up you have National Houseplant Week (not to be confused with Veganuary, don’t eat them!) Big Energy Saving Week (not to be confused with continued slumping on your settee) and Sugar Awareness Week (not to be confused with all this sickly sweet virtuous guff).
For the real lightweights you can just select a day. There are plenty of them. Kiss A Ginger Day is my favourite – and possibly a certain publicity-shy woman’s too. Though surely she was expecting a prince rather than a duty dodging frog. STIQ Day is designed to get folk thinking about their sexual health (which is very important and probably worth getting your Tier 4 dwelling mistress over to discuss in person, eh, Prof Neil Ferguson?)
Randomly there are two perfect January days we can all agree on. This coming Sunday is Festival of Sleep Day (feel free to extend this one at will) while the 18th celebrates the birth of author A.A. Milne. A man who must surely have been dreaming of 2020 when he came up with his most famous character and named him after a word that really sums up this past year. Pooh.
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