12 lockdown questions every person wants PM to answer – including Hancock, why?

Today we are taking a little spin ­using Boris’ roadmap.

And seeing as not a single bloody journalist at those torturous government briefings ever asks what every normal person is screaming at their telly, thought we’d come up with a few queries together.

Because, let’s face it, those of us who didn’t switch over/off as soon Doom and Doomer (aka Whitty and Valance) appeared – flanking something that looked like Worzel Gummidge after a row with a combine harvester – deserve some proper answers.

So let’s try these for size shall we?

1. If the top four vaccine priority tiers account for 88% of Covid deaths and they’ve all had their jabs, all over-55s will have been vaccinated by April and the vaccine is 89% effective, how do SAGE scientists work out that there will be 91,000 extra deaths if lockdown rules are relaxed at Easter?

2. And if it’s because those refusing to be vaccinated might die, why are you punishing the vast majority of the population? Have you totally abolished the need for people to take any responsibility for their own actions?

3. Hospitals operate at peak capacity every winter yet SAGE claim Covid “could” cause another crisis in June. If it didn’t happen last summer without a vaccine, why would it happen this summer with one?

4. As you seem to have accepted (finally!) that zero Covid – like zero flu – is impossible, what are the actual numbers you need to see for each lockdown stage? Without specific information we all think you could be making it up as you go along. And perish the thought you’ve ever done that…

5. What’s all the soundbite piffle about “data not dates” when all you’ve given us is, er, dates?

6. If all the above mysterious data is actually good, will you bring release from lockdown forward?

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7. Why have you let the education of kids become such a horrific mess? We were doing half a million jabs a day at one point; there are 453,813 teachers in this country. Surely we could have vaccinated them all very easily?

8. Where’s the data that proves the hospitality industry and hairdressers are such hotbeds of infection that they deserve to be driven out of business forever?

9. Is that smudge on your forehead really fiancée Carrie Symonds’ thumbprint?

10. Matt Hancock. Why? Just that.

11. Is it true you use a balloon to brush your hair?

12. And finally, if you can’t even start your own press conferences on time why should we trust you on any kind of timetable?

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