Wisdom: Top 11 Places in Fort Collins NOT To Go On a First Date

first date

Top 11 Places in Fort Collins Not To Go On A First Date

1. Planned Parenthood Clinic

Skippy: Glad to see you are thinking ahead instead of with your head. Be sure to educate yourself about 18 Birth Control Methods That Don’t Work  before you hit a home run.

Robyn: Only Skippy puts out on the first date. HA! But seriously, go there BEFORE your date.

2. The Plasma Centre

Skippy: Making money and helping others is a winner. But donate before you date.

Robyn: Blood is straight from the heart, but not in a romantic way.

3. Tony’s

Skippy: I know Tony’s is attempting to change it’s reputation and I know the patio is suppose to be rockin. Still. First date? Go a bit classier than this.

Robyn:  Or take your date here after you have already been drinking. Everything is better with beer goggles, right?

4. Washington’s (Washbar)

Skippy: I said classier. Not skankier. This is why you don’t get second dates.

Robyn: The horror! The horror! Never take your date someplace where the bathrooms look like they could give you about 12 different diseases.

5. A Laundromat

Skippy: Even if it has coffee, TV and wi-fi it’s still not a classy choice. Practical yes. Classy no. Save this destination for after you are getting the sheets dirty together.

Robyn: Maybe washing your underwear together is a good ice breaker? No, no it’s not.

6. Country Buffet

Robyn: If you want to show your date one of the seven deadly sins, might as well make it a good one, like lust. Leave gluttony for when you are at least six months in. Besides, if you click on the link above, you will read exactly why no one in their right mind would ever want to eat there. Ever.

Skippy: The idea of “all you can eat” sounds appealing. When you talking about eating pussy. But that’s probably not what you are gonna be munching on the first date – unless she’s super sketchy. What you will wanna be munching on the first date is tasty food that’ll make her wanna second date you. And get the sheets dirty on the third date. So you can go to the laundromat together.

7. The Book Ranch

Skippy: Your thinking in the right direction but that’s the wrong destination. Try Doctor John’s instead. After the third date. On the way home from the laundromat.

Robyn:  Doctor Johns is definitely a good second date destination. Not first, silly!


8. Cool Beans Playhouse and Cafe

Skippy: It’s not as cool as you think. Nor is it the kind of playhouse you are thinking. You should not be going here any time soon.

Robyn: Unless you need a good form of birth control that will make you use the “abstinence” method.

9. The Birthing Centre at Poudre Valley Hospital

Robyn: Only go there if she goes into labor. Wait, why are you going on a first date with a woman who is nine months pregnant??

Skippy: Which part of “not any time soon” did you not understand?

10. Any Restaurant With a One Star Rating on Feasting Fort Collins. 

Robyn: Kristin really knows her stuff! Reference Feasting Fort Collins before you make any first date dining choice.

Skippy: Seriously. Before choosing a destination in an effort to impress someone make sure the destination has actually impressed someone. You frat brother’s don’t count.

11. Home to Your Parents or Grandparents.

Skippy: Taking your date to meet your relatives first time out of the shoot is too much too soon. Plus you will be judged based on the people you’ve descended from. Children grow up to be echoes of their parents. Giving your date a first glimpse of who you will be in 25 years is not as good of an idea as you think. Unless you want this to be your last date.

Robyn: This might be a good scare tactic if you are looking for a long term-er. If they don’t run away screaming from that kind of pressure, then you know they are a keeper.


Honorable Mention: The Beach House

Skippy: This now extinct restaurant was famous for the slowest service in Fort Collins. Blind Pig is currently attempting to take this title. Once when Robyn and I went there we saw two tables get up and walk out because no one ever showed up to serve them. Taking your date to the Beach House would mean spending way too long together. That’s assuming you stayed until you actually got some service. Waiting for service at Beach House was long enough to get to know each other, disagree about something, then break up.

Robyn: R.I.P. Beach House. Your food was pretty good, service was terrible, and bottomless mimosas a myth. At least Blind Pig has plenty of mimosas. That is, if you are lucky enough to get your drink served in a glass without lipstick on the rim.

There are plenty of good places to impress your date here in Fort Collins. Chose wisely, and you just might get that second date. Or, at least it might get you laid.

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