Wisdom: 18 Birth Control Methods That Don’t Work (Regardless of what you read on the interwebz.)

Next up in Robyn and Skippy’s Week of Wisdom we dispel some myths about birth control. Thanks to the interwebz and a general lack of quality control regarding what goes viral on the Book of Faces some of you are a bit misinformed about birth control. We are here to give you the straight scoop. ‘Cause we are the Scoop Blog Network. Duh.

1. Jumping up and down after sex.

Skippy: It’s even less effective if the boy tries jumping up and down. If the girl does the jumping it might be possible to shake everything down and out. Not very likely though.

Robyn: Down and out? More likely just stimulate the cells and make those little guys swim faster!

2. Girl on top.

Skippy: Sperm can swim uphill. ineffective but fun.

Robyn: What? But isn’t that just gravity? Well, shoot, everything I knew about science is a lie.

Girl on Top in Fort Collins

3. Pulling out.

Robyn: Yeah fellas, some of your boys already sneak past long before you ejaculate fully. Might as well just finish the job. Less mess that way too.

Skippy: I know it always works in the p0rn movies, but p0rn movies aren’t real. I’ve conducted research on this.

4. A plastic coat hanger.

Skippy: You need a metal hanger which you can bend into the right shape. The average plastic coat hanger is the wrong shape. Not to mention lacks the required friction.

Robyn: Oh, Skippy.

5. The Morning After The Morning After Pill (aka a shot of espresso and a shot of whiskey two day’s later)

Robyn: You could try two shots of whiskey, but I am pretty sure that won’t work either.

Skippy: If you missed Plan B you’re screwed. Actually you were screwed. That’s why you need Plan B. Plan C is only a myth. There is no Plan C.

6. The girl doesn’t cum.

Skippy: No it’s true. The girls orgasm really doesn’t matter. At all. It really is all about the boys.

Robyn: It also doesn’t count as cheating if she doesn’t orgasm with her lover, right? Besides, the female orgasm is just a myth. NOT.

7. The wrong rhythm method.

Skippy: The right rhythm method is somewhat effective certainly. But if you don’t understand what the rhythm method is . . .

Robyn: The wrong rhythm while having sex will still get you pregnant. Put on some better music and get the right rhythm down…while wearing a condom of course.

The Rhythm Method in Fort Collins

8. Sex with other women.

Skippy: Granted having sex with your girlfriend’s sister will keep your girlfriend from getting pregnant. Problem is that this method is totally ineffective at keeping your girlfriend’s sister from getting pregnant.

Robyn: Unless you use the right rhythm method.

9. Praying, purity rings, magic underwear, voodoo spells and the blood of chickens.

Skippy: No matter what religion you subscribe to God or Gods or Demons can’t help you out on this one. You might be able to pray away the gay but you can’t pray away the baby.

Robyn: You can’t pray for your virginity back either, sorry to burst any bubbles.

10. Circumcision.

Skippy: Circumcision fans believe cutting the tip off cocks prevents HIV and cancer. I’m surprised they haven’t attributed birch control to the other miracles arising from cock cutting. Arising. Get it?

Robyn: All I have to say is that people need to be more informed on circumcision period.

11. A pierced penis. (aka The Detour, Road Block Method, The Load Block, The Alternative Route)

Robyn: Just because there is a bar going through the hole doesn’t mean it blocks anything from coming out. It is not a load blocker.

Skippy: There is an alternative route that does prevent pregnancy but this isn’t it. You have to take the back road to get there.

12. Putting a bag over her head. Or a bag over your head. Or a bag over both of your heads.

Robyn: Uh, I think this just helps with the orgasm process or “getting there.”

Skippy: What you can’t see can still hurt you.

13. Riding a roller coaster after sex.

Robyn: Thrills, chills and yep, still pregnant.

Skippy: Going up and down after sex isn’t going to fix the consequences of going up and down during sex.

14. Exorcism

Skippy: “The power of Christ compels you!” It won’t work. Despite thinking it should. Foetuses are just like demons. They take up residence in your body, control your actions and make you really bitchy. The two main differences are that demons make you vomit pea soup while foetuses make you eat ice cream and pickles. The other is that demons eventually kill you while foetuses ship you off to a nursing home and forget about you.

Robyn: Actually, foetuses make you vomit too so…

15. Sex in the centre of the Oval at midnight.

Skippy: We all know the Oval has magic properties. Counteracting fertilisation is not one of them.

Robyn: Don’t ever have sex somewhere that sort of rhymes with Ovul-ation.

16. Urinating after sex.

Skippy: Yes, you are cleaning out the tube. But it’s the wrong tube.

Robyn: Just because urine is sterile, doesn’t mean it sterilizes anything.

17. Coffee filter and rubber band.

Skippy: Saran Wrap will work in a pinch but coffee filters just don’t make the cut.

Robyn: Filtering sperm looks good on paper, but in reality doesn’t work.

18: Vacuum Cleaner Attachments

Robyn: I don’t care how good the suction is on your vacuum, this is not going to work.

Skippy: Shop-Vacs are for the garage. Power tools are for the bedroom.

Birth Control on Google in Fort Collins

Don’t believe everything you read on the interwebz.  Unless you read it on Ask Us Fort Collins.  Then you know it’s gotta be true.

Or is it?

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