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Wisdom: Top 11 Places in Fort Collins NOT To Go On a First Date

first date

Top 11 Places in Fort Collins Not To Go On A First Date

1. Planned Parenthood Clinic

Skippy: Glad to see you are thinking ahead instead of with your head. Be sure to educate yourself about 18 Birth Control Methods That Don’t Work  before you hit a home run.

Robyn: Only Skippy puts out on the first date. HA! But seriously, go there BEFORE your date.

2. The Plasma Centre

Skippy: Making money and helping others is a winner. But donate before you date.

Robyn: Blood is straight from the heart, but not in a romantic way.

3. Tony’s

Skippy: I know Tony’s is attempting to change it’s reputation and I know the patio is suppose to be rockin. Still. First date? Go a bit classier than this.

Robyn:  Or take your date here after you have already been drinking. Everything is better with beer goggles, right?

4. Washington’s (Washbar)

Skippy: I said classier. Not skankier. This is why you don’t get second dates.

Robyn: The horror! The horror! Never take your date someplace where the bathrooms look like they could give you about 12 different diseases.

5. A Laundromat

Skippy: Even if it has coffee, TV and wi-fi it’s still not a classy choice. Practical yes. Classy no. Save this destination for after you are getting the sheets dirty together.

Robyn: Maybe washing your underwear together is a good ice breaker? No, no it’s not.

6. Country Buffet

Robyn: If you want to show your date one of the seven deadly sins, might as well make it a good one, like lust. Leave gluttony for when you are at least six months in. Besides, if you click on the link above, you will read exactly why no one in their right mind would ever want to eat there. Ever.

Skippy: The idea of “all you can eat” sounds appealing. When you talking about eating pussy. But that’s probably not what you are gonna be munching on the first date – unless she’s super sketchy. What you will wanna be munching on the first date is tasty food that’ll make her wanna second date you. And get the sheets dirty on the third date. So you can go to the laundromat together.

7. The Book Ranch

Skippy: Your thinking in the right direction but that’s the wrong destination. Try Doctor John’s instead. After the third date. On the way home from the laundromat.

Robyn:  Doctor Johns is definitely a good second date destination. Not first, silly!


8. Cool Beans Playhouse and Cafe

Skippy: It’s not as cool as you think. Nor is it the kind of playhouse you are thinking. You should not be going here any time soon.

Robyn: Unless you need a good form of birth control that will make you use the “abstinence” method.

9. The Birthing Centre at Poudre Valley Hospital

Robyn: Only go there if she goes into labor. Wait, why are you going on a first date with a woman who is nine months pregnant??

Skippy: Which part of “not any time soon” did you not understand?

10. Any Restaurant With a One Star Rating on Feasting Fort Collins. 

Robyn: Kristin really knows her stuff! Reference Feasting Fort Collins before you make any first date dining choice.

Skippy: Seriously. Before choosing a destination in an effort to impress someone make sure the destination has actually impressed someone. You frat brother’s don’t count.

11. Home to Your Parents or Grandparents.

Skippy: Taking your date to meet your relatives first time out of the shoot is too much too soon. Plus you will be judged based on the people you’ve descended from. Children grow up to be echoes of their parents. Giving your date a first glimpse of who you will be in 25 years is not as good of an idea as you think. Unless you want this to be your last date.

Robyn: This might be a good scare tactic if you are looking for a long term-er. If they don’t run away screaming from that kind of pressure, then you know they are a keeper.


Honorable Mention: The Beach House

Skippy: This now extinct restaurant was famous for the slowest service in Fort Collins. Blind Pig is currently attempting to take this title. Once when Robyn and I went there we saw two tables get up and walk out because no one ever showed up to serve them. Taking your date to the Beach House would mean spending way too long together. That’s assuming you stayed until you actually got some service. Waiting for service at Beach House was long enough to get to know each other, disagree about something, then break up.

Robyn: R.I.P. Beach House. Your food was pretty good, service was terrible, and bottomless mimosas a myth. At least Blind Pig has plenty of mimosas. That is, if you are lucky enough to get your drink served in a glass without lipstick on the rim.

There are plenty of good places to impress your date here in Fort Collins. Chose wisely, and you just might get that second date. Or, at least it might get you laid.

Wisdom: 18 Birth Control Methods That Don’t Work (Regardless of what you read on the interwebz.)

Next up in Robyn and Skippy’s Week of Wisdom we dispel some myths about birth control. Thanks to the interwebz and a general lack of quality control regarding what goes viral on the Book of Faces some of you are a bit misinformed about birth control. We are here to give you the straight scoop. ‘Cause we are the Scoop Blog Network. Duh.

1. Jumping up and down after sex.

Skippy: It’s even less effective if the boy tries jumping up and down. If the girl does the jumping it might be possible to shake everything down and out. Not very likely though.

Robyn: Down and out? More likely just stimulate the cells and make those little guys swim faster!

2. Girl on top.

Skippy: Sperm can swim uphill. ineffective but fun.

Robyn: What? But isn’t that just gravity? Well, shoot, everything I knew about science is a lie.

Girl on Top in Fort Collins

3. Pulling out.

Robyn: Yeah fellas, some of your boys already sneak past long before you ejaculate fully. Might as well just finish the job. Less mess that way too.

Skippy: I know it always works in the p0rn movies, but p0rn movies aren’t real. I’ve conducted research on this.

4. A plastic coat hanger.

Skippy: You need a metal hanger which you can bend into the right shape. The average plastic coat hanger is the wrong shape. Not to mention lacks the required friction.

Robyn: Oh, Skippy.

5. The Morning After The Morning After Pill (aka a shot of espresso and a shot of whiskey two day’s later)

Robyn: You could try two shots of whiskey, but I am pretty sure that won’t work either.

Skippy: If you missed Plan B you’re screwed. Actually you were screwed. That’s why you need Plan B. Plan C is only a myth. There is no Plan C.

6. The girl doesn’t cum.

Skippy: No it’s true. The girls orgasm really doesn’t matter. At all. It really is all about the boys.

Robyn: It also doesn’t count as cheating if she doesn’t orgasm with her lover, right? Besides, the female orgasm is just a myth. NOT.

7. The wrong rhythm method.

Skippy: The right rhythm method is somewhat effective certainly. But if you don’t understand what the rhythm method is . . .

Robyn: The wrong rhythm while having sex will still get you pregnant. Put on some better music and get the right rhythm down…while wearing a condom of course.

The Rhythm Method in Fort Collins

8. Sex with other women.

Skippy: Granted having sex with your girlfriend’s sister will keep your girlfriend from getting pregnant. Problem is that this method is totally ineffective at keeping your girlfriend’s sister from getting pregnant.

Robyn: Unless you use the right rhythm method.

9. Praying, purity rings, magic underwear, voodoo spells and the blood of chickens.

Skippy: No matter what religion you subscribe to God or Gods or Demons can’t help you out on this one. You might be able to pray away the gay but you can’t pray away the baby.

Robyn: You can’t pray for your virginity back either, sorry to burst any bubbles.

10. Circumcision.

Skippy: Circumcision fans believe cutting the tip off cocks prevents HIV and cancer. I’m surprised they haven’t attributed birch control to the other miracles arising from cock cutting. Arising. Get it?

Robyn: All I have to say is that people need to be more informed on circumcision period.

11. A pierced penis. (aka The Detour, Road Block Method, The Load Block, The Alternative Route)

Robyn: Just because there is a bar going through the hole doesn’t mean it blocks anything from coming out. It is not a load blocker.

Skippy: There is an alternative route that does prevent pregnancy but this isn’t it. You have to take the back road to get there.

12. Putting a bag over her head. Or a bag over your head. Or a bag over both of your heads.

Robyn: Uh, I think this just helps with the orgasm process or “getting there.”

Skippy: What you can’t see can still hurt you.

13. Riding a roller coaster after sex.

Robyn: Thrills, chills and yep, still pregnant.

Skippy: Going up and down after sex isn’t going to fix the consequences of going up and down during sex.

14. Exorcism

Skippy: “The power of Christ compels you!” It won’t work. Despite thinking it should. Foetuses are just like demons. They take up residence in your body, control your actions and make you really bitchy. The two main differences are that demons make you vomit pea soup while foetuses make you eat ice cream and pickles. The other is that demons eventually kill you while foetuses ship you off to a nursing home and forget about you.

Robyn: Actually, foetuses make you vomit too so…

15. Sex in the centre of the Oval at midnight.

Skippy: We all know the Oval has magic properties. Counteracting fertilisation is not one of them.

Robyn: Don’t ever have sex somewhere that sort of rhymes with Ovul-ation.

16. Urinating after sex.

Skippy: Yes, you are cleaning out the tube. But it’s the wrong tube.

Robyn: Just because urine is sterile, doesn’t mean it sterilizes anything.

17. Coffee filter and rubber band.

Skippy: Saran Wrap will work in a pinch but coffee filters just don’t make the cut.

Robyn: Filtering sperm looks good on paper, but in reality doesn’t work.

18: Vacuum Cleaner Attachments

Robyn: I don’t care how good the suction is on your vacuum, this is not going to work.

Skippy: Shop-Vacs are for the garage. Power tools are for the bedroom.

Birth Control on Google in Fort Collins

Don’t believe everything you read on the interwebz.  Unless you read it on Ask Us Fort Collins.  Then you know it’s gotta be true.

Or is it?

Wisdom: 13 Reasons to Go Out and Get A Beer in Fort Collins

You may not have heard but people in Fort Collins like beer. Wanna go out for a beer with your friends but can’t think of a reason to do so? Ask Us to the rescue.

1. It’s finals week.

Robyn: Finally, it’s finals. Drink some “forget the last 15 weeks of your life” juice. But not until your final final. Until then, stick to Red Bull and vodka.

Skippy: Finals week had ended. Finals week has started. Finals week is going to end. Finals week is going to start. It’s the middle of finals week. You didn’t study for your finals. You passed your finals. You flunked your finals. Or maybe you don’t have finals but finals week means the college kids will be gone soon.

2. The college kids are gone.

Skippy: What else is there to say?

Robyn: Finally you can occupy one of the swings at Drunken Monkey without having to knock over some drunk college kids to get one of those fish bowls.

The College Kids Are Gone in Fort Collins

3. The college kids come back.

Robyn: Shit. There goes any hope of efficient traffic in all of Fort Collins. You will want that beer to get over the last 30 minutes you spent on College Avenue trying not to hit students on bikes and stopping at every stop light so they can cross the street.

Skippy: A beer with a shot of whiskey. There goes the neighbourhood.

4. You just finished hiking Horsetooth.

Robyn: Hell, drink one to get up the mountain, another at the top, and one on the way down. That’s motivation enough for me!

Skippy: Whether you actually just hiked around Horsetooth or if you are using “Hiking Horsetooth” as a code phrase for a sex act that involves three people, a two foot long gummy worm and a riding crop – I’d say an accomplishment like that deserves a cold one.

5. First date.

Skippy: About to go on a first date? On a first date? Just survived a first date? Drink up.

Robyn: Nothing like a little courage to make this date fantastic. Bonus points if your date is into drinking beer and not foo foo drinks. This is the Napa Valley of beer for goodness sake, might as well enjoy it!

6. Breaking up.

Skippy: That person is finally gone and now you are free. Oh the possibilities that lie ahead for you. First on the list? A beer. You might meet someone cute at the brewery.

Robyn: Don’t get us wrong, drinking won’t solve anything, but it will be a nice distraction in the interim. And, like Skippy says, you might meet the perfect rebound at your beer drinking place of choice.

7. You ran into a bar because it started raining.

Skippy: It’s going to stop in 20 minutes because that’s how Colorado rolls. But since you’re here . . .

Robyn: And even when it stops raining, go ahead and have another!

8. You need to do something to pass the time until the next bar or brewery opens.

Skippy: In Fort Collins if any piece of commercial property stays vacant for more that 3 weeks someone is going to install a bar and start serving alcohol to minors. Especially if it’s the space formerly known as Lindens.

Robyn: Just sit back on the patio of the brewery next door, relax, watch the remodel, and get ready to be the first in line for a tasting.

9. Drunk tweeting.

Skippy: I know my tweets are more entertaining when I’m drunk than when sober. Consider it a public service.

Robyn: Other people’s tweets are more entertaining when you’re drunk too!

Are You Drunk in Fort Collins

10. You ran out of beer at home.

Skippy: One day you will learn to keep a properly stocked fridge. Until then you many have to fall back on plan B and go out for a beer. It will cost more but there are some benefits.

Robyn: Benefits include that wonderful fresh beer taste right from the draft. Ahhhh. Nothing like it in the world.

11. Conversations overheard in bars.

Skippy: Even better than drunk tweeting. The stories of lost clothing, half-remembered hookups and bad pickup lines make it all worth while. You have to choose your destination wisely however. You need enough people to increase your odds of good conversations to listen in on but it has to be quiet enough for you to listen in without being obvious.

Robyn: In other words, not the Rio on a Friday or Saturday night.

12. Hot bartenders and waitresses.

Skippy: The people who work at the bar probably aren’t going to fuck you ’cause they have their choice of everyone who comes in the bar. But if you play your cards right you might get comped. If ya know what I mean.

Robyn: Plus, beer makes you charming, right? Right? Haaa!

13. Beer.

Skippy: This one is pretty obvious but sometimes people need to be reminded.


Do – the thing that buys me beer
Ray- the guy who serves me beer
Me- a name I call my beer
Fa- a long long way to beer
So- I’ll have another beer
La- la la la la la beer
Te- No thanks I’m drinking beer
That will bring us back to beer, beer, beer, beer.

Hit Tonys in Fort Collins

Now that you know why you should go out and get a beer stop by our sister blog Cheers Fort Collins for all the latest news and info and reviews and beer porn. And if you don’t have a cold one in your hand by now . . . what are you waiting for?