Robyn’s Rant: Fifty Shades of Effed Up

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I saw the movie.

I did.  I sat through all 125 minutes of it, too.  I surprised myself by not leaving, but I was determined.  I have to admit that I still don’t quite get the appeal.  It was poorly written, had terrible dialogue, and had much less sex appeal than a decent porno.  I will say this though: To everyone who thinks it is about rape, you’ve got it all wrong.  There was nothing in that movie that wasn’t consensual.

Rape is defined as: unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.

Ana consents to everything Christian Grey does to her. So, no, I cannot agree that it is about rape.  Got that?  It is not about rape.

It is about an abusive, controlling, manipulative, masochistic relationship.

And by abuse, I don’t mean what goes on in the pleasure room, which, by the way, is pretty terrifying. It looks like a fancy meat locker. Seriously, ladies? Is that what you want? That guy is super fucking creepy.

So, how is it abusive? He has to control her every minute of every day. What she eats, drinks, wears. He follows her across the country, watches her, and STALKS her. Tells her that she is HIS. It is infuriating. And she falls for it. Why? Because she is naive and DUMB and doesn’t know any better. In fact, she reminded me of a little girl. AND she says about one page worth of lines the entire movie. NONE of which really tells us who she is or anything about her. So, yeah the writing sucks, but we already knew that.

But it’s just a movie, right? People aren’t taking it seriously, right?

If they weren’t, I wouldn’t be ranting about it.

Ladies. This story is about a mentally-abusive, controlling man who admits that he is fucked up. I know what you see. You see a sexy billionaire who can be changed. You couldn’t be more wrong.

And now for some advice: YOU CAN’T CHANGE ANYONE!

I finally get it. I get what those who like this movie/book see. Your fantasy is to change this man. Admit it. Ana tries, in fact, there are two other books so I am sure it only gets worse. Everything he does, every sweet gesture he makes is to get her right where he wants her. And she lets him.

Also, with the way the movie is edited or filmed or whatever, I really believe that it is not for the ladies. Because:

1. You never see penis. I have a real problem with this.  I don’t want to stare at vagina the whole movie, and most women don’t.

2. Ana doesn’t speak most of the movie. She is an object and is treated as such.

3. There is also no depth to her character. We hardly know anything about her, therefore, there is no story. Just a body and a pretty face

4. There are man-toys galore. I don’t mean sex toys, I mean airplanes and helicopters and cars, cars, cars. Again, not sexy; but the men like it, I’m sure.

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Enough said.

I decided to reach out to my readers and see what their thoughts are about this hot topic. Here are some of the comments I received from both men and women:

“I’ve read the first book and I refuse to see the movie or read the other two books. Grey is a twisted, misogynist a-hole, I don’t need to waste more time on his story.”

“Read the books, will not see the movie. Poorly written, one-dimensional characters, non-steamy sex scenes. Grey is pretty much of a shallow, misogynistic dickhole. But that’s just my opinion…”

“Condones domestic violence and the ever present sexism and degrading of women. Written by someone who has the literary grasp of a third grader and directed by someone who realized he could exploit the violent and dominant nature that millions of Americans love oh so much.. ”

“You know, it’s just a pretty typical romance novel. I mean, its a little less subtle about its demons, aka the rampant chauvinism and objectification of women, but I just think the author was a bored housewife who dreamed of being dominated by a weird, obsessed man who wanted to put his pinky in her butt. I think people just forget that the world is filled with all kinds.”

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“For me, if you can see the problems that this book is showing but you still like it and it makes you hot then fantastic. But I worry for everyone who really knows nothing of the bdsm lifestyle outside of this book and are going to take this book as fact and put themselves in a place where they are likely to be abused or manipulated. And that is not OK.”

“It’s a book. I don’t understand why people need to make such a big deal about it. My husband and I enjoyed it. We enjoyed the story for what it was worth…. A story. I think the people who have never read it and have some sort of issue with it are prudes. Get over it. And if sex makes a person uncomfortable then don’t read it. Problem solved. And if consenting adults try some kinky fuckery in the privacy of their own home and get hurt then they are the idiots who believed they could learn it from a fictional book.”

“An interesting topic I’ve seen articles on is the reality of BDSM versus it’s portrayal in the books and how the books are purporting an outdated and downright unhealthy image of it.”

Oh, and check out how awkward this is. Her own mom won’t go see it:

I just read an article about how a woman was arrested for masturbating in a theater to the movie. Really? With all the internet porn we have these days in the privacy of your own home? Sounds like there is something really wrong with this woman. And the movie is not that sexy. OK, OK, there is one moment with an ice cube that had me intrigued but that’s about all.

I talked to the manager of the movie theater afterwards because I was curious on a couple of other fronts. I had to ask if he had caught anyone masturbating. He said no, much to my relief. I then asked him what sort of audiences is he seeing. He said mostly college age girls and couples and occasionally a mother/daughter. Sigh.

So there you go. The movie is man-ified so that girls can get their husbands/boyfriends to go see it. It is about an abusive relationship and is not worth wasting anyone’s time. And it is being glorified in theaters around the world.

If I had any advice for Christian Grey, I would say he needs some serious counseling. Not for his sex fetish (hey, we all have our fetishes), but for his constant need for control. That is the most disturbing part about the whole damn thing.

It really is Fifty Shades of Fucked Up.

 

Tune in Friday for Skippy’s response.

 

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