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He Says: Yup. Men.

Damn them all.

She's A Princess.

She’s A Princess.

Robyn is right that co-habitation is difficult. Sure it’s got advantages. Many of them. Showering is way more better when you have someone to “wash your back” for you. And cooking is more fun when you’ve got someone to help eat the results. On the down side there are twice as many dishes to wash. There is always that balance to the universe.

I think even married people should have their own individual bedrooms. Podcaster and radio host Michael W. Dean and his wife D.J. have separate bedrooms and it works well for them.

Anyhowz – I’ll get on with responding to Robyn’s observations about men.

Men complain that women are “too complicated.”.

I would agree there is something wrong with those men. They are not understanding what’s really going on. Women are not complicated. Women are chaotic.

Women would like to think they are logic driven and consistent. Men would like to think this as well. Men can deal with logic driven, consistent, A results in B type systems.

Women don’t work that way. Women are emotion driven and completely internally inconsistent. This is why women can say they care about the environment while at the same time doing more environmental destruction than any other animal on Earth.

Woman’s inability to be logical and consistent isn’t a bad thing. Or an evil thing. Or a wrong thing. It’s simply how they are. Men who do not understand this and adapt to it are screwed. Having a negative attitude towards women for them being chaotic is like having a negative attitude towards fire for being hot. If you burn yourself it’s because you put your hand in the flame. Not because the flame is broken.

Men live in a perpetual state of “little boy”.

You can think feminism for this one. It has nothing to do with video games.

Feminism has escalated to the point where talking to women is harassment and looking at them for too long is rape. Men are going to check out under those conditions.

Men have no idea how to respond to all of this. Men know that women expect men to make the first move. And the second. And the third. Yet men also don’t know which women are feminists and will scream harassment if spoken to. Or looked at.

Normal women (they do exist) will argue that “not all women are like that” and I agree. The problem from the male perspective is that we don’t know just by looking at women which ones are normal and which ones are feminists.

I suggest wearing buttons that say “I am not a feminist”.

Additionally men think feminists are present in greater numbers than they really are. Feminist are working hard via the media (both main stream and social) to spread their hatred and desire for everyone to be unhappy. Normal women are enjoying life. Doing fun things with their friends. Essential not being hate motivated overly jealous attention whores. Since men only see the feminists on the TV, the interwebz, the Twittervers, the TED talks, the college campuses it’s natural to conclude that normal women are few and far between.

Knowing that having sex with a girl can lead to her getting pregnant and taking everything you have in form of child support or that marrying a girl can lead to her getting a divorce and taking everything you have isn’t exactly going to encourage men to buy a ticket to ride the woman train.

So you’ve got all these men who think most women want to fuck them over (not fuck them) and think women are complicated how will these men respond?

By living as a perpetual “little boy” as Robyn says. Or to put it another way, men will respond by not doing what women want them to do.

Comic books and video games make sense. They are predictable. They are rewarding.

I can tell you that dating girls is seldom rewarding. I don’t even mean sex. I mean just finding a girl who can put down the cell phone and form sentences is a challenge. Most of the women I’ve dated over the last years have been so dumb I wouldn’t let them suck my cock for fear my IQ would go down and I’d get a disease.

Men look around them and see fat, tattooed, pierced, short haired, foul mouthed, debt ridden, makeup covered, cell phone addicted, pot smoking, instagram selfie posting attention whore (or actual “pay me for money” whore) women. Who have liberal arts degrees in feminist studies. And are single mothers. Those men then chose to play video games and read comics instead of dating, fucking and marrying those women. Yes. Because men are not as stupid as you think they are.

Men have a “grass is always greener complex”.

Hypergamy.

Men think women want “porn sex”.

Melissa King.

This girl had a crown on her head. She was treated like a princess. She let a man fuck her in a hotel room for $1500 while another man filmed it. Now she is an instagram whore.

You do the math.

Speaking of math you many have noticed my post was late. Deal with it. ‘Cause things is changing. Robyn and I are shutting down house here at Ask Us and moving on to something completely different. A man with three buttocks.

Or not.

But we are moving on. Watch this space for information about our future and some repeats of our favourite posts from the past. In about six weeks we will return to the interwebz like a phoenix from the flames.

Robyn Rants: Men

asshole

Men. Can’t live with em…

Can’t kill ‘em… I mean… live without ‘em.

I think that one of natures cruelest jokes is that we are put on this Earth to not only procreate with the opposite sex, but co-habitate with them as well. I mean, how can one species be so different from one another? OK so we don’t have to co-habitate with one another. I used to think that my life would be a lot easier if I were a lesbian, but then again, there is a whole new set of problems with that scenario. Besides, I like penis too much.

This rant is for all the nice girls out there that finish last.

We are constantly hearing about nice guys finishing last and how they get pushed aside for the assholes etc etc… But what about the nice girls? Nice girls also finish last. I know because I was one and I got pushed aside for some crazy ass bitches. It made me harden my heart and become kind of bitchy myself. Now I have a wonderful husband who is a nice guy. Was I a bitch to get him? No. But he left me for a bitch and then realized his mistake. I swore I wouldn’t take him back but I am glad I did.

Before I start really ranting, I want to make it clear that not all men are like this. These are observations not only from me, but other women who I asked what their complaints were when it came to the opposite sex. I love the men in my life, and all the shithead ones I’ve kicked out. In fact, I have more guy friends than girl friends.

This just needs to be said. For women’s sake.

dickhard

Men complain that women are “too complicated.”

Like that’s a bad thing? What do you want us to be? Simpletons? Let me tell you something, we actually make it pretty darned easy for you. What’s wrong with paying for dinner for us? Buying us flowers once in a while? Making us feel special? I am telling you, you men will get a hell of a lot more blow jobs if you treat us well. I think you just pretend that women are complicated because you are lazy.

 forget-blow-jobs-flowers-valentines-day-ecard-someecards

Men live in a perpetual state of “little boy”

I think video games are to blame here. Put down the damn controller, stop the one-upmanship with your friends and read a book for fuck sake. You remember books? What? NO, NOT COMIC BOOKS, BOOKS!! With chapters and words and characters and story. I am so sick of listening to guys talk about comic books and video games. Can we talk about something else? Can we just go into the bedroom and have sex instead? Thank you.

Men have a “grass is always greener complex”

Or the “I want” complex. Men are never satisfied with what they have. They are constantly wanting an upgrade on, well, everything. This is the process:

I want the thing.

I am going to get the thing.

I got the thing.

I want the better thing.

Repeat.

They also do this with people, especially girls. Let me tell you that the “thing” is not necessarily “better,” it’s just different. Why can’t you just work with what you have? Sometimes you get to where you think the grass is actually greener and there is dog poop all over the lawn. Then you want to go back to what you had, but it is not that easy. Then you get angry that it is not that easy and so on and so forth. It is a vicious cycle that you never seem to learn.

bullshit

Men think women want “porn sex”

And by porn sex I mean the ball slapping hard sex that exists in every porn. OK, we do want that once in a while, but most of the time you need to be nice to our lady bits. We don’t want a pounding, we want to be lured into it, lubricated with our own wetness and then we can talk about getting freaky. Fellas, our pussies go through a lot. Take care of us and we will take care of you…or beware of too much teeth. You know what I mean.

My last bit of advice:

Guys, if you are having a problem with a woman in your life, I want you to do something really difficult… TALK TO HER.  Did I say difficult? Oh yeah, because that is another thing that men lack, sharing their feelings. They say the truth hurts, but at least the truth gets out there. No leading us on, no fucking around, just talk about shit. It’s not that difficult. Do everyone a favor and don’t lead us on or hide behind a mask that when we pull off later reveals the true asshole. Ladies, you too, be real with each other.

Go into a relationship with your eyes wide open, not half shut.

The last word:

I love men and I hope all the men who read this don’t take too much offense. I hope that you can see what, from a female perspective, bothers us the most.

This is my last post on Ask Us Fort Collins. I hope my knowledge and insight on life has helped at least one person, because that is what I set out to do. Take care of yourself, Fort Collins. Thank you for reading.

Tune in for what Skippy has to say to my post tomorrow.

 

This Week: Robyn Takes Over

darcy

Happy Monday!

Robyn here.  OK, so I won’t take over completely, Skippy still gets to put in his two cents on Friday.  This week I am going to bring you a rant about men.  That’s right, Skip bitches about women as often as he can and, now, it is my turn to bitch about men.  Ladies, you wont want to miss it, and fellas, you might learn something. It will be coming at ya on Wednesday!

Stay tuned!

 

 

 

 

 

Robyn and Skippy Say: Why Fort Collins is Great

14.-Fort-Collins

Happy Friday Fort Collins!

Robyn here. Skippy and I decided to brighten your Friday with some shameful boasting of why our town is one of the best places to live in the country. Yes! It’s true! It has been named one of the top cities to inhabit by several national publications! I mean, come on, Fort Collins really is great and here’s why…

1. Beer, Beer and More Beer

Robyn: That’s right, we are the Napa Valley of beer! And yes, we do have the Budweiser plant BUT nothing beats our craft brews! I did not like beer before someone introduced me to the wonders of craft beer. Tantalizing to the taste buds, beer connoisseurs unite!

Skippy:  You can’t argue with beer.  You can argue while drinking beer.  You will most likely lose that argument however.  Unless the other person has been drinking even more beer than you.  The great thing about all the breweries is that most everyone can find a brewery they like.  The bad thing about all the breweries is that most everyone can find vomit on the sidewalk on Sunday morning.

Equinox

2. Trails, Hiking and Outdoorsy Shit

Skippy:  I love me some outdoors.  Naturally I therefore spend too much time indoors working.  When I can get my ass on the trails biking or running I’m all over that.  The great thing about Fort Collins is you don’t have to go far to get knee deep in outdoorsy shit.  It’s right there outside your door.  If you do wanna travel a bit there is more and more and more outdoorsy shit right around the corner.  And if you wanna go trail running with me – and you’re a cute girl – I’m down for that as well.  Apply here.

Robyn: I have to admit that I am not that outdoorsy, but I have done the Poudre trail on my bike (followed by a well earned margarita at the Rio) and I must say the beauty of our trails is unparalleled. One day I will hike Horsetooth and see what all the fuss is about. For more on trails, check out Fresh Air Fort Collins.

3. Restaurants! Restaurants! Restaurants!

Robyn: I mean, come on, one of the hardest decisions here is deciding where to go out to eat! I always reference Feasting Fort Collins when I am really indecisive. We have good restaurants for any type of food you could ever want! And an abundance to choose from that aren’t just another chain. My favorites include: Crown Pub, Matador, Cafe Mexicali, Saigon Grill, and a whole hell of a lot more!

Skippy:  Here is where Robyn and I switch places.  I don’t eat out much.  Plus I have a few restaurants I go to and that’s it.  I know what I like and I like what I know.  The best place in Fort Collins to eat is my house.  ‘Cause I know best how to cook for me.  The second best place to eat is . . .   You know how this story ends.

4. Theatre, Museums and Art OH MY!

Skippy:  Fort Collins has a fair amount of culture and entertainment for a city of this size.  Not up to the standards of my old stomping grounds of Houston of course.  Still the Fort holds it’s own.  We have many great bands and live music performances as well.  Now if only the venues would let the bands perform during grown-up hours.  Us old folks go to bed at 10pm.  So get off my lawn!

Robyn: With First Friday art walk, several theatre companies (one of which I work for) and our local museums we are one cultured community! I just saw a fantastic play at Bas Bleu last weekend. I love that we have so many options to expand our minds in the arts.

art

5. We Get Educated!

Robyn: I mean, obviously we are a College town. Not only do we have CSU, but also Front Range Community College and several classes offered through the city. It is easy to get a good education here, further your knowledge, expand your mind or just try something new!

Skippy:  And by educated I mean college parties.  I live right in the middle of Sophomore Row.  Looking out the window at 40 college girls in bikinis can be distracting but I put up with it.  So long as they stay off my lawn.  And if they ever wanna “try something new” I’ll be here for them.

uca

Lessons Learned The Hard Way: Take Care Of Your Equipment

there is your problem in fort collins

Heeheehee. I said “equipment”.

I am Cornholio.  I must have TP for my bunghole!

I just finished watching Beavis and Butt-head Do America. Therefore my mind currently resides in a dark place.

If you want to score you have to take care of your equipment. When scoring time comes (I said “comes”) you can only score if your equipment is in top notch condition.

Let’s start this story back in the olden days when everybody had to walk uphill to get to everything. When I was in the military we had a saying. “If you take care of your equipment your equipment will take care of you.”

Upon returning from a two week field training exercise first thing everyone wanted to do was eat some real food and get drunk. Instead the first thing we did was clean, inspect and properly store all of our equipment.

Anything that was broken was tagged for repair. Our weapons were completely stripped down. I said “stripped”. Weapons were cleaned, oiled, reassembled, function checked and turned into the Armory. All other equipment was cleaned and stored properly. Then we got to take a shower and leave the base for food and booze. Usually followed by a visit to a strip club.

I said “stripped” again. I’m totally gonna score!

As an infantry soldier I relied on my M203 40mm grenade launcher and M16 rifle to keep me alive in a combat situation. If those weapons failed I could lose my life. Thus it was critical for both of them to be in nearest perfect condition possible.

If your weapon is not well-maintained it may jam or fail when you most need it. And warfare is just like sex. If your weapon fails so do you.

check your engine in fort collins

This is a lesson I have brought with me back to the civilian world. Whatever equipment you have, especially if it’s equipment you rely upon for something very important, is equipment you have to maintain. Otherwise it’s going to fail when you need it and it’s going to cost you in more than one way.

Here’s the specific incident that inspired this edition of Lessons Learned The Hard Way.

At one of my multitudes of jobs we have a company vehicle to transport both people and equipment from one place to another. The company vehicle developed an oil leak. People at the company bitched and complained about it. People at the company told other people at the company about it. People at the company ignored the fact that the oil leak had to be fixed. People at the company said “not my job.” People at the company chose to look the other way.

There was an all around failure to maintain the equipment. Not surprisingly the equipment failed.

You may not know this but if you drive a vehicle without having oil in the engine the engine will burn up in the vehicle will become inoperable. That’s why you have to put oil into the engine.

At this point I know many readers are saying “Why do I have to put oil in my car’s engine? Didn’t it have oil in the engine when I bought it?”

Yes it did. And soon you will be learning a lesson the hard way.

The fact that the company truck is now dead is costing much more money than it would have had the company truck simply been maintained.

Had the vehicle been taken to a mechanic before the engine burned up and during a time when we did not need the vehicle for company purposes the financial damage would have been much less.

Instead of having an oil leak fixed it’s a destroyed engine that must be fixed. On top of that the truck is out of commission during a time when we need it for business activities. Therefore we have to rent a truck to replace the company truck. And pay people to go pick up the truck that has to be rented.

All of this because no one could be bothered to take care of the equipment on a regular and ongoing basis. No one could take initiative or responsibility. And I know those are both dirty words to a great number of you.

surprise buttsex in fort collins

Whoever you are and whatever you do take a moment and think about the equipment you use each day in your life that allows you to do the things you want to do and you need to do. It might be your bicycle, your computer, your guitar, your rifle, your woodworking tools, or even your penis. Do you perform regular maintenance on that equipment? Do you take the time to clean and inspect and function check that equipment?

If you don’t there may come a day when you need your equipment and it is not there for you. It might cost you money. It might cost you opportunity. It might even cost you your life. If you take care of your equipment your equipment will take care of you.

Easter Is In The Rearview Mirror.

cat does the work bunnie get the glory in fort collins

Here we are on the rebound from a delicious Easter weekend of great weather.  I hope you got some of it and didn’t have to stay indoors all weekend.  Like I did.  Grrr….

Anyhows, on Wednesday I’ll be slinging some Lessons Learned The Hard Way at you.  Yet again another chance for you to learn from the mistakes of others.  Don’t never say no one told you.

On Friday Robyn and I will be offering up our 75 cents on a topic of great import.  You will wanna be there.

Until then send us your burning questions and we will hose you down.  Remember kids: Stop, drop and roll.

She Says: Find your Kink

christian grey

Dear Not Krazy About Kinky,

Woman to woman I need to level with you. You. Have. To. Tell. Him. You are still a virgin and you expect to go in without mentioning this to someone who practically has a doctorate in sex? You are out of your mind if you think that it will be a good experience for you if you just go along “ho hum-ing” thing whole thing. I made that same mistake. Not that the guy I lost my virginity to was into kinky sex, but he was older and more experienced and I felt like I shouldn’t tell him. I thought it would scare him. I thought he would never do it with me if he knew. That seems like a lot of responsibility, taking someones virginity, and I thought he would just see me as a silly nineteen year old. Honestly I should never have been with him in the first place.

Was my first time awkward? Oh yeah. It was ridiculous. Painful. Not sexy. I left with this sense of unfulfilled expectations and it was totally my fault. I wish I had told him. I wish I had been weaned into the experience. Not that it was ALL bad, just not what I expected. Kind of like going to Prom, you always imagine it being this spectacular thing and in the end it is just crepe paper hung in the gym, bad music and even worse dancing.

virginity

You ask how you should tell him that you are a virgin? The answer is you just tell him, as soon as possible. Don’t make a big deal out of it, just be frank.

Now as far as kinky-ness goes, I think you need to do a little self exploring before you enter his world of kink. No one knows your body better than you do so the more exploring you do, the more you will know what you like.

Do you think you will like being whipped or chained up? Will you delight in being spanked and having your hair pulled? OR will he take things too far?

That’s just it. Things can go a bit too far once in the bedroom. You need to make sure that this guy you are seeing is not a controlling, masochistic asshole. It is very easy to become dazzled by fancy cars, dinners and gifts, when really you are just dating the devil in disguise. I am not saying that he is, but I am saying that you had better be careful. Do not put yourself in a dangerous situation. Do not get hurt. Do not let him go too far. You have the right to say no and terminate things at any time.

ythehell

Now back to finding your kink.

I suggest you start watching some racy videos (AKA Porn). See what turns you on there. Then I suggest you buy yourself some toys. Don’t be afraid to splurge here. The higher the quality, the more fun you are going to have. You want something soft and flesh-like, not those hard, novelty vibrators that don’t really do much.  They are the cheapest and cheap for a reason.

I don’t want you to think that you are about to lose your virginity to a toy, because that is not the case. Stupidly, I used to think that way before I new better. You will thank me for the exploration you are about to do. You will also get to know yourself and help him figure out how to get you “there.”  Women have a horrible history of ignoring their own bodies while men are practically expected to play with themselves as is the “social norm.” It sickens me. We have every right to figure out our bodies and not be sexually repressed in this patriarchal society.

One last thing, if and when you do decide to go all the way with this guy you are seeing, please use the restroom after you have sex. No one told me this. No one told my best friend this. Women need to cleanse the “pipes” after sex. Bacteria gets pushed up there and you will instantly get a UTI. Trust me. I just saved you days of pain. Some doctors call it “honeymoon syndrome” because women would come back from their honeymoons with urinary infections all the time. We know better, and now, you know better.

My last words of wisdom are to just be safe and communicate with your boyfriend. You will find more pleasure with him if you first find pleasure with yourself. Trust me.

The fine print: This week was April Fools week so this question is based on a popular novel. Can you guess which one? Check out last years April Fools Question right here!

He Says: Everyone’s A Little Bit Krazy

bondage in fort collins - best decision ever

Dear Not Krazy About Kinky;

You need to chose now. Do you want to spend the rest of your life living a shallow comfortable life? Do you want you social life to revolve around posting selfies of yourself in front of disaster areas where people were injured and possibly killed? Do you want to never work again because you are getting 50% of your ex-husbands income? Or do you want to die alone with 37 cats?

You have a great chance here to secure your future. Go with the flow long enough to get married, get divorced and get half of everything this rich pretty boy has got.

You’re a virgin. He’s into kinky sex. Perfect. All you have to do is let him ass fuck you and you’ll still be a virgin. I don’t know the reason you are still a virgin but this method works. There are multitudes of Purity Ring wearing Christian girls wanting to be virgins when they get married who can attest to you that giving a blow job while another man fucks you in the ass is not “sex” and you are still a virgin.

Anal sex, blow jobs, hand jobs, dildos and vibratos, fucking other women. You can do all those things and still be a virgin so long as no cock goes inside your cunt.

bondage - there is an app for that in fort collins

Even if you have had cock in your cunt you can still be a virgin. You can become a Born Again Virgin for only $29.95 with free shipping to any place in the world. It’s easy to do and he will never know the difference. Boys are all dumb anyhow. All they do is math, science and engineering. They don’t know anything about nail polish or Sex In The City or who Taylor Swift is dating this week.

Of course you don’t actually have to have sex with him to get half of everything he owns. As you said he is rich, has a nice car, owns his house and he’s sexy as hell. I’m sure you are the only woman alive he is sexually interested in. We all know that powerful rich men like Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby, Tiger Woods and so forth only have sex with one woman. Ever. In their whole lives.

Rich powerful sexy men never have sex with multiple women. The fact that he has selected you out of the 3.5 billion women on Earth tells me that you are worthy of such a man and you probably don’t need to concern yourself with actually putting out. I’m sure he can be convinced to wait until after the marriage for sex. They you need only have a headache every night until you enlist the services of a divorce lawyer.

Don’t worry about him getting impatient. Take a look at your Instagram feed to remind yourself of what a great catch you are. Selfie after selfie after selfie of you making duck lips while dressed liked a whore. What man could turn down a sophisticated woman of the world such as yourself? You have nothing to worry about.

wonder woman is not impressed with your skills in fort collins

Your best option is to keep stringing him along. Most likely he isn’t really interested in sex anyhow. He’s probably just a beta male who wants to be your BFF. All this talk is just a cover for how insecure he is about his sexuality. He is probably terrified of a strong independent woman like you. That’s why he is hiding behind all those sex toys and handcuffs.

Most likely he can’t even get it up you intimidate him so much.

Don’t stress your pretty little head over all this. Keep seeing this guy and get him to spend more money on you. Everyone knows you are the centre of the universe. Everyone except him that is. Once he understands you are all that you’ll need never worry about him wanting sex again as he will realize just how far out of his league you are.

Question Of The Week: Should I get Kinky?

kinky-quotes

Dear Robyn and Skippy,

I have started seeing this amazing guy! He is rich, drives a nice car, buys me stuff, he is sexy as hell, AND owns his own house.  The problem is, he is into kinky sex. I mean, we are talking whips, chains, handcuffs, toys… you name it! He has his own room dedicated to sex and, here’s the kicker, I am still a virgin and he doesn’t know that. I think I could get into all the kinky stuff, but I am not sure. How do I get into all the kinky stuff? How do I tell him I’m a virgin? I want to keep seeing him and that will mean having sex soon. I feel like he is already growing impatient. I need to figure this out fast!

Thanks,

Not Krazy About Kinky

Do you have any advice for Not Krazy About Kinky? Tune in Wednesday to see what Skippy has to say and Friday for Robyn’s advice.

Skippy Responds: What Is Less Important Than Dogs? You.

dog shit on the sidewalk is acceptable in fort collins - twitter roach

Read the full story from Neil here: http://nbeener.blogspot.com/2014/11/the-destruction-of-medically-disabled.html

Looks like Neil got himself a big does of that Fort Collins community. I can feel Neil’s pain but what needs to be addressed here is all of Neil’s mistakes and his denial of reality.

I’m not doing this to insult or make fun of Neil. I’m doing it so that others may learn from his mistakes. It also would have been helpful if Neil had consulted an asshole early in the game.

dogs bark when you are sleeping in fort collins

1. You built your house in an area that has no space between the houses and surrounded by people you don’t know. Even worse it has a Homeowner’s Association.

I know that yards are a thing of the past. The push is to shove as many houses as close together as possible. More houses in a given space are more houses that can be built and sold. As towns progress to becoming cities more and more is shoved into smaller spaces.

While the houses were very close together, my wife and I picked this neighborhood because of the clear sense of community and friendly people who lived there.

You had no way of knowing the people around were friendly. This was you projecting what you wanted to see upon the world. They do, as you discovered, have a clear sense of community. The same dog-centric statist cult community which permeates Fort Collins and excludes you.

I sent the HOA’s Vice President a note, explaining the magnitude of the barking problem, the impact it was having on me, and the neighborly way in which I had asked the neighbors for help in resolving the issue.

The HOA Vice President wrote back, saying that the HOA wasn’t going to take any steps to resolve the issue, “since there are so many folks with dogs,” and “they all know that our own dogs are prone to bark at times, and do not wish to be hypocrites.”

The existence of the Homeowner’s Association only makes the cult more difficult to dissolve. What would ever lead you to think anyone in the HOA would care about your concerns when pitted against the interest of the established and bonded group. It’s Us verses Them and you are the Them.

The HOA Vice President then responded with a shocking list of reasons why he didn’t like me, personally, and explaining how close his friendship was with the dog-owning neighbors. It was just a scathing and vicious personal attack.

How did you not see that coming?

dog barks at aliens in fort collins

2. You attempted to negotiate with stupid people. Who own dogs.

Dog owners in Fort Collins are one of the most selfish and entitled groups of people, when taken as a whole, that I’ve ever encountered. They are only trumped by veterinarian students at CSU. Most of whom are dog owners as well.

I love when the tell me “My dog doesn’t need to be on a leash. My dog is different.”

Fuck you.

Most urban dog owners are mentally broken. They can’t relate to other humans and have no social skills. Thus they get dogs so they will have friends.

This time, though, the neighbors’ response wasn’t particularly cordial. They said that “other dogs bark, too,” despite the fact that no other dogs were barking mere feet from my bedroom, waking me up, or preventing me from sleeping in any room of my house.

“Other dogs bark, too.” There’s a good defence. Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer should have simply argued “Your Honour, my client should not go to prison. Other men fuck 10 year old boys in the shower too.”

Do not attempt to negotiate with stupid people. Or evil people. Or evil stupid people. Yes I realize this means you can’t negotiate with 99% of the population. Deal with it.

bark at me again bitch in fort collins

3. You went to the State for help.

The government of Fort Collins does not exist to serve you. You exist to serve them. Pay your taxes. Obey. Consume. Shut the fuck up.

I reached out to Animal Control, citing the pre-sunrise barking, the near-midnight barking, and the hours-on-end, day-after-day barking. On several occasions, I held the phone in the air, allowing Animal Control to listen to as much of the non-stop barking as they wanted.

Despite having a conversation with the dog-owners, Animal Control would go no further. They claimed to require statements from complainants at two separate addresses. As I later found out, this wasn’t actually Animal Control’s policy.

A government employee lied to you? Colour me shocked.

I asked the Fort Collins Police Department to intervene.

They wouldn’t.

But you soon discovered how to get the police to pay you a visit didn’t you?

 Read the rest of the story.  Listen to the podcast.  Get your panties bunched up.

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