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Unsolicited Advice: She Says, Party Like You’re Irish

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St. Patrick’s Day!!!!!!

I know, I know, by the time you read this, it will have already passed. And it was on a Tuesday this year which is not good for those of us who like to get our whiskey on. Unless you don’t have a job. And if you don’t, what are you doing spending your money on alcohol? Stop it. Get a job.

This year has been a good one for me so far. Two of my dear friends are getting married and decided to have their joint stag/hen party on St. Patrick’s day. Shenanigans abound! I was in Downtown Denver and drew inspiration from what I saw in the bars there to give you some good advice to heed for the next year.

So, here it is, my advice in the form of “do’s” and “don’ts” for all St. Patrick’s Day’s in your future. You’re welcome.

DO know your facts.

I had to work on St Paddy’s and was listening to the radio on my morning commute. The female DJ was talking about how great it was that St. Patrick’s day is the day to wear green, but this year she decided to do something different. She wore a snakeskin print shirt to work instead to honor the fact that St. Patrick drove all the snakes from Ireland. She then went on to say how shocked she was to find out that this was actually not a fact, but a myth. Seriously??? How dumb can you be? That is like saying that the Pied Piper is real and can get rid of your pesky mouse problem by playing a flute. Next time, check your facts before you make a wardrobe choice that makes you look like an idiot. Oh, and don’t announce it on the radio. Just wear green like everyone else.

snakes

…and with that said…

Don’t Over Do Your St. Patrick’s  Day Outfit.

A green shirt and a shamrock beaded necklace? Great! A beer shirt and a green bowler hat? Super! Full green body paint, flashing necklaces and a green afro wig? Oh, no! Full out leprechaun garb with tutu and gold tights? Yikes!

There is such a thing as going too far. I noticed that the ladies room line was longer than it should have been while I was at one particular bar in Denver. It was because the ladies ahead of me were having issues with their outfits. There were unitards and tutu’s everywhere. Not cool ladies, not cool. And fellas…. what can I say…. that green afro makes you look like a dickhead.

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Do Eat Some Tasty Irish Fare.

Irish food is wonderful. Why? Because it is all about the meat and potatoes. It is also about cooking things with one of my favorite ingredients: Beer. It is hard to find good Irish food here in Fort Collins so you might have to go to Boulder and check out Connor O’Neils. They are operated by an actual Irish family! It’s the real deal! Or, just cook at home. Either way, enjoying the cuisine of another culture is one of the best parts of this holiday.

DON”T Drink Green Beer!

Please, please, PLEASE don’t drink green beer. How much more American can we get than turning our disgusting light beer even MORE disgusting by adding green food dye? It is not festive, it is just gross. For the love of St. Patrick and everything that is holy, only drink IRISH BEER to celebrate this IRISH holiday. It is wonderful. What’s that? You don’t like Guinness? Guess what… THERE ARE OTHER KINDS OF IRISH BEER. Harp, Smithwicks, and Murphy’s are all good options. Or, just go straight for the Jameson, I recommend it with ginger ale.

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DO Watch How Much You are Drinking.

Seriously. No one likes a sloppy drunk. This is advice I want you to heed all year round. Especially if you are away from your own humble abode. I was recently a DD for some of my guy friends. It was like herding cats, and, I’m sorry, but there is a point where the level of beer and the level of aggression can come to a head. For no apparent reason. Keep it balanced, guys. It is no fun in the end for anyone. You too ladies. YOU TOO.

However you decide to celebrate St. Patrick and the holiday (which isn’t technically a holiday in our country) just be safe and don’t look like a dickhead. Oh, and eat the food. I am serious, it is delicious.

Unsolicited Advice: Fifty Shades of Green

i had a lepricon in fort collins

St. Patrick’s Day has come and gone and try as I might I really don’t care. What is it with people who go through their lives looking for a reason to get drunk? That’s a rhetorical question. I know the answer.

Today’s unsolicited advice isn’t for all of you but it is for some of you.

I spent my St. Patrick’s Day at a party with friends where nobody got drunk because we all drink in moderation. We also celebrated a birthday a few days early with a delicious home-made chocolate cake. We also had a short discussion about important topics such as why kids these days are so stupid and how Obama doesn’t have any responsibility for the war in Afghanistan.

Kids today are really stupid. So say all the old people. You know, the old people who raised those kids and taught them in public schools and colleges. Listening to two old people talk about how dumb kids are makes me want to ask them “Don’t you think you’re responsible for any of this?”

But then again responsibility is overrated.

As I learned last night Obama, in spite of being the commander-in-chief of the armed forces of the United States of America and the single most powerful human on the planet Earth, has no responsibility for the war in Afghanistan. The American military just stayed in Afghanistan of their own choice. Continuing to kill people without Obama’s permission and there’s nothing he can do about it. As for those drones that kill people who are going to weddings, Obama has no responsibility for those either. Skynet is responsible for that.

Just as Obama is not responsible for the war – just as old people are not responsible for how stupid their children are – on St. Patrick’s Day neither are you responsible for your behaviour.

It’s a day when you can go out to bars, drink like a fucking idiot and show the world how incredibly stupid you are thanks to the inability of your parents to raise a child with more than three functioning brain cells.

Enough of my bitching.

Babymetal.  Because I can.

Let’s get to some actual advice that you didn’t ask for.

four twenty for alcholoics in fort collins

Celebrating St. Patrick’s Day in a responsible way.

1. Don’t wear stupid green outfits or hats in public.

Attention whoring is not attractive. I know you want people to notice you but the more effort you put into needing to be noticed by other people the more you telegraph your insecurities.

2. Learn to drink in moderation.

I understand that excessive drinking only kills the week brain cells. And I understand that you’re not using most your brain cells anyway. I don’t want you to drink in moderation for your benefit. I’m a firm believer in natural selection and the sooner your liver gives out that’s the sooner your DNA is removed from the gene pool.

I want you to drink in moderation for my benefit. When I go trail running the morning after St. Patrick’s Day and I’m returning via my usual detoured through Old Town I don’t want to have to step in your vomit.

3. Celebrate at home.

I’m honestly not sure what anyone is celebrating on St. Patrick’s Day or why this is a holiday. My suspicion is that it’s an excuse to get drunk. We live in a society where, for the most part, everyone is so miserable that they will take any excuse to get drunk to forget their lives aren’t worth living. A culture where “Netflix” and “party” are verbs isn’t too far from decline. And you should Enjoy The Decline.

But I digress.

irish car bomb in fort collins

You should stay home on St. Patrick’s Day to do your drinking. There are multiple benefits:

  • If you are selective about your guest list you don’t have to deal with annoying people. Be sure you don’t invite me ’cause I’ll call you on your bullshit.
  • The booze is cheaper.
  • The service is faster. Not as cute as the waitresses at Lucky Joe’s, but faster.
  • You don’t have to worry about being thrown out at closing time. Nor do your guests ’cause you’re gonna let ‘em sleep over if they need to.
  • Therefore you and your guests don’t have to worry about getting a DUI and contributing large sums of money to the boys in blue and the rehab industrial complex.
  • If you want to smoke a cigarette or an e-cigarette you can do so without some whiny bitch telling you that you’re only 19 1/2 feet away from the door and you need to move.

St. Patrick’s Day is to bars what Valentine’s Day is to florists and restaurants. It’s a great way to get the sheep out of their pens and stimulating the economy by spending money on shit they don’t need. And you don’t need to spend hours of your life in a bar wearing green clothing while drinking large amounts of overpriced alcohol. If you think this is an effective use of the limited time you have to live you might want to either write to Ask Us Fort Collins for help or Consult An Asshole for professional help.

what is at the end of a rainbow in fort collins

This Week: Unsolicited Advice, St. Patty’s Style

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It’s Monday again…

and St Patrick’s day is just a few short hours away.

This week Robyn and Skippy are bringing you some Unsolicited Advice for your St. Patrick’s day shenanigans.

Check back Wednesday for Skippy’s post and Friday for Robyn’s.

That is all.

 

Unsolicited Advice: 50 Shades of Who Gives A Fuck?

fapping to fifty shades of grey in fort collins

Ya know what’s great about being me? Other than having sex with your girlfriend that is. Not having to care about pop culture. Not only do I not care about pop culture – I’m hardly even aware of pop culture.

Of course so people would say I’m hardly even aware. At all.

Speaking of things I’m hardly aware of . . . Fifty Shades of Grey. Apparently there is now a movie based on the book which was originally a piece of Twilight fan fiction.

And apparently I’m suppose to care. I have to write this post so I’ve got to care a little.

Are people getting their panties in a wad over this movie? I don’t really know. Because I don’t really care. But I’m sure there are. Many of you have too much free time. And need a good spanking.

Many years ago a move called The Last Temptation of Christ came out. Not the Mel Gibson movie. This was way before that. Many people got offended about how Jesus was portrayed in this movie and so they protested outside the theatres.

And it was the best advertising money could never buy.

Years after this movie was gone from theatres I watched it. It was terrible. Had there been no protesters no one would have gone to see this giant turd.

I suspect the same may hold true for Fifty Shades of Grey. If anyone is getting upset and bitching about this movie that is only going to drive people to spend money seeing it.

rape culture in fort collins

Here is what I know about Fifty Shades of Grey. Don’t mistake any of this for caring. Nor should you conclude I have read the book or seen the movie. I suffered through all three books of the Hunger Games series and that’s all the mindless self-absorbed chyck-lit I can stand for now.

1. Anastasia “Ana” Steele and Christian Grey are exactly the kind of names a twelve year old would come up with for characters in crappy fan fiction.

2. FSoG was originally a piece of crappy fan fiction. The literary reviews reflect this.

3. Anastasia has never used a computer and doesn’t know how to use email or google.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Ha.

4. Women across the United States are creaming their panties for a fictitious man who was sexually abused as a child and as a result wants to abuse and dominate women, including controlling what they eat. Yet when I tell one of these women to put down the McDonalds and shut the fuck up I’m a misogynist.

Move along folks. There really is nothing to see here. Nothing at all.

Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t a sign of moral decay. It’s a sign of what is true.

1. People will pay money to watch shitty movies.

I’ve known this for years.

2. A large percentage of the female population desires to be emotionally, physically and sexually abused.

I’ve known this for years.

3. Women try to pretend they aren’t driven by a desire to have sex with rich men but are in fact driven almost entirely by their desire to have sex with rich men.

I’ve known this for years.

4. Women will waste their lives doing things like reading poorly written books about sex because other women are doing it and women are driven by their desire to conform.

I’ve know this for years.

One of the keys to life is work with what you’ve got. And what have we got here? A glimpse into the female brain.

relationship advice from christian grey in fort collins

FSoG is a short cut to understanding the intentions and uses of any given woman. All you have to do is ask her “Did you read Fifty Shades of Grey and see the movie?”

If she hasn’t read the book or seen the movie she is what politically incorrect people like me call normal. Statistically speaking this is a woman you have a chance of forming a stable long term relationship with. If that’s your sort of thing.

If she has read the books and seen the movie she is what politically incorrect people like me call broken. Statistically speaking this is a woman you smack around, use, have violent sex with for a few weeks, then dump. if that’s your sort of thing. Make damn sure you don’t get her pregnant. Stick to anal. She’ll like that.

Where she lands between the two poles tells you how close she is likely to be to either.

Some folks even did a study about female behaviour and Fifty Shades of Grey reading.

Results: One-third of subjects read Fifty Shades (18.6%, or 122/655, read all three novels, and 14.8%, or 97/655, read at least the first novel but not all three). In age- and race-adjusted models, compared with nonreaders, females who read at least the first novel (but not all three) were more likely than nonreaders to have had, during their lifetime, a partner who shouted, yelled, or swore at them (relative risk [RR]=1.25) and who delivered unwanted calls/text messages (RR=1.34); they were also more likely to report fasting (RR=1.80) and using diet aids (RR=1.77) at some point during their lifetime. Compared with nonreaders, females who read all three novels were more likely to report binge drinking in the last month (RR=1.65) and to report using diet aids (RR=1.65) and having five or more intercourse partners during their lifetime (RR=1.63).

I bet you are shocked. I’m not. I’ve know this for years.

Fifty Shades of Grey is not a bad thing. Don’t protest or get upset and help sell tickets. Don’t act like the end times have arrived. FSoG is simply one more tool you can use to assist identifying women who are suitable for what you have in mind. Whatever that may be. Think for yourself and stop over reacting.

Unsolicited Advice She Says: It’s Grey, Not Black and White

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Let it be known:

As I write this post I have not seen the movie, nor did I read the book. Well, that is not entirely true. I tried to read the book.

A quick story:

I had never heard of Fifty Shades of Grey until my hairdresser, and friend, told me about it. I used to work at the salon, I was getting my hair done at one day, and all the girls were buzzing about this book. “What is it about?” I asked. “Just read it!” they said. They told me it was sexy and I was going to love it. Flash forward about a week. My husband and I went out for drinks and stopped by the grocery store on the way home. I was a bit tipsy; and after seeing that the store carried Fifty Shades of Grey, I exclaimed very loudly that my husband should buy it for me. He did. The next day I woke up with a small hangover and my husband asking me why I insisted he buy me fan fiction erotica.

WHAT????? What did you buy me? What kind of erotica?

I didn’t have a clue.

He then proceeded to explain to me what kind of literature was now sitting on our dining room table. “Oh well,” I thought, “I am very comfortable with my sexuality so I should enjoy this book. Everyone else is reading, it so how bad can it be?”

I can’t tell you how far I actually got because I don’t remember the chapter or page number. I can say this, I read it as far as Christian Grey taking the main characters virginity (NOT realistic in the least) and stopped when Ana (the main character) started reading the contract he gives her to sign so they can continue having sex. I use the word “contract” because I think that is how they address it in the book. It felt more like a waver saying she won’t sue him if he goes too far in the bedroom. And I do mean too far. I became extremely uncomfortable and promptly put the book down. I have not picked it up since. In fact, after moving four times since I tried to read it, I couldn’t even tell you if it is still in my possession.

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So now this erotica novel is a movie, and people have issues with it. Are we surprised? We, and by “we” I mean America, are a puritan society. Don’t believe me? Think about how this country was founded. The puritans came here to escape religious persecution. Compared to other countries, our R rated movies get a PG rating elsewhere. OK, maybe not that extreme, but pretty close to it.

We are also a society of complainers. If you are not offending one person, you are offending someone else by trying not to be offensive in the first place. Everyone’s a pusher. Everyone’s a shover. And most certainly everyone wants their opinion to be known. This is why we have free speech. And blogs.

Back to Fifty Shades. Yes, I put the book down. I had to ponder on this. Why were all the women saying it was so wonderful? These were friends of mine whom I know, love and trust. What is it about this novel that makes it so great? And what does the movie have to offer in turn? Is it because it is so far-fetched and fantastical that reading the book would be akin to reading about unicorns actually existing? No, ladies.  The BDSM community exists. I don’t understand it myself. I mean, a spanking now and then is fun and kinky but I don’t want anyone chaining me up and taking a belt to me.

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I decided to talk to my best friend about the movie before I continued writing my advice for the week. She has not read the book, but did go see the movie over the weekend. Over cocktails and dinner tonight I asked her:

“First tell me your overall impression.”

“Disturbing” was her reply.

She then described the movie to me in detail, and mostly a whisper since we were in a public restaurant. From what I understand there are sexy moments, but also very uncomfortable ones. For the most part it is about control and who has the control over whom. Apparently it changes hands, even though Christian Grey has the upper hand in the beginning. Is this what makes it interesting? Being the victim of controlling relationships, I do not find this appealing. My best friend very wisely pointed out that it is all very personal. I think she is right. I think who you are and what has shaped you into whatever your sexuality may be is how you will react to this book/movie. It is no wonder so many people are up in arms, it is being taken very personally.

I will say this: I think it is a bunch of BS that this is the movie that so many people take issue with, when there are other movies containing much worse depictions of sex in them that have won Oscars. Think about A Clockwork Orange, or Monsters Ball (a movie I had to turn off because I was so disturbed). Is it because this is a female fantasy and women are not allowed to be sexual? It is much more difficult for a woman to admit things like watching porn than it is for a man. A man gets high-fived while a woman gets dirty looks. This is true.

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My friend also informed me that we never see Christian Grey’s penis in the movie but there is vagina galore. Don’t even get me started on that front.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to see the movie for myself and then form some better advice and opinion. Next week is Robyn’s Rant and I will address all these issues and more.

In the meantime, I want to know your opinion. I especially want to hear from the ladies so I can understand the different angles this issue can take.

Please comment below and check back on Friday for what Skippy has to say. Then, tune in next Wednesday where I address Fifty Shades of Grey from a more informed perspective.

 

Unsolicited Advice: Fifty Shades of What?

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This Week On Ask Us Fort Collins

You guessed it, we will be offering our Unsolicited Advice for everyone who is getting their panties in a bunch over the Fifty Shades of Grey movie.

WARNING: Content may be sexually explicit. Tune in Wednesday for Robyn’s post and Friday for Skippy’s.

You won’t want to miss it. ‘Nuff said.

 

 

Unsolicited Advice: You Can Make Your Life Better

I know you think it’s only other people who need Unsolicited Advice but it’s not. It’s you as well. Not only do you need Unsolicited Advice, you need lots of it. Let’s get started.

1. Stop being flaky. Stop wasting other people’s time.

Do what you say you are going to do. Do it when you said you would. Do it how you said you would. Do it to the best of your ability.

When you tell another person you are going to do something he is going to alter his plans, his life, his intentions, his finances and so forth accordingly. When you fail to follow through you have wasted his resources. Be those resources time, money or beer you have wasted them.

If you are not 100% certain and committed to following through on something you say you will do then don’t say you are going to do it. Some people will forgive you for flaking on them. Those are people who live their lives as doormats. People with integrity will not look the other way and give you a second, third and fourth chance.

By the gods and goddesses if you do have to back out of a commitment you have made do not wait until the last moment to inform the involved parties. Let them know you can’t follow through as soon as you decide to flake out. You don’t necessarily owe them an explanation of why you are flaking but you must tell them you can’t (won’t, will not, whatever) follow through.

That way they can remove you from their life.

As they should. ‘Cause this brings us to . . .

remove the shitty people from your life in fort collins

2. Eliminate psychic vampires from your life.

If there is anything I will repeat over and over and over until I start to foam at the mouth and fall over backwards it’s the necessity of removing shitty people from your life.

The people you allow in your life will determine how your resources are utilized. The one most valuable resource you have is time. You’ve got so much time on Earth and then you are done. You must always be aware of the opportunity cost for what you are doing and not doing.

The people you spend your time with also determine to a great extent how your life will turn out. Scream and call me names all you like. Fit people hang out with fit people. Drunks hang out with drunks. Fat people hang out with fat people. Rich people hang out with rich people. Poor people hang out with poor people. Wage slaves hang out with wage slaves. Business owner hang out with business owners.

The people you spend the most time with are the people you will become like. They are the people who will influence your world view and either limit or open the possibilities for your life.

This is why my number one advice to people newly unemployed is do not spend your time around other unemployed people.

Talking to a friend of mine recently about someone who flaked on me thirty-seven minutes before we were suppose to meet and cost me money in the process she responded that “people do that to me all the time.” Yet she still associates with these people. If people you associate with flake on you often it’s because you allow them to.

Which brings us to . . .

that which you allow is that which will continue in fort collins

3. That which you allow is that which will continue.

Why do corporations pay no income taxes? Because you allow it.

Why are United States troops killing people in Afghanistan? Because you allow it.

Why does a TSA agent with an IQ of 76 touch you child’s balls at the airport? Because you allow it.

Why does your boyfriend hit you? Because you allow it.

Why is your girlfriend fucking the CSU football team? Because you allow it.

Why does your boss treat you like shit? Because you allow it.

Why do your clients pay you late? Because you allow it.

Why did Bush & Obama bail out the banking corporations? Because you allow it.

Why do the corporations harvest and sell information about you via social media? Because you allow it.

Why are you poor? Because you allow it.

Why are you stupid? Because you allow it.

Why are you pissed off at me for telling you the truth that all these things happen because you allow them to happen? Because you allow it.

I know you want to play the card.  The victim card.  The race card.  The patriarchy card.  The discrimination card.  Non-stupid people aren’t going to play card games with you.  You have to stop allowing it. That means you have to stop whining and start acting.

Thus we conclude with . . .

be the change you wish to see in the world by getting off facebook in fort collins

4. Show. Don’t tell. If you have to say you are it’s because you aren’t.

If you have to tell people you are ethical it’s because you aren’t. If you are ethical it will be obvious from your actions and how you treat other people. Here is a quick story about the greatness of my insight.

I once went to a networking function called “integrity networking.” As Cohere member Skippy would later point out, “you should probably avoid groups that claim to be ethical right in their title—if they have to overtly say they are ethical, then they probably aren’t.” At the event, everyone had their chance to give an elevator speech, an activity that makes me want to turn to liquid and slide through the floorboards. After I sat through elevator speech Round 2 (in the same meeting), I was handed an application and asked to pay more than a hundred dollars for the privilege of hanging out with Fort Collins’ finest integritarians.

If you have to tell people you are not racist it’s because you are. If you are not racist it will be obvious from your actions and how you treat other people.

If you have to tell people you believe in freedom of speech we all know you support speech restrictions and label any idea different than your ideas “hate speech”.

If you have to tell people you believe in diversity we all know your friends are limited to people with exactly the same world view as yours.

If you have to tell people you aren’t doing it for the money we all know you are doing it for the money.

I don’t have to tell any of you that I’m an asshole who cares about the truth more than I care about your feelings and being you friend. It’s obvious from my behaviour.

Show others who you are and what you believe with your actions. Stop trying to tell people you are who you wish you were but don’t have the integrity to be. You are only fooling the stupid people. And those are the people you should be removing from your life anyway.

You have way more room for improvement that you think you do. Remove head from ass and get to work.

Unsolicited Advice She Says: You Know Who You Are

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Hello Dear Readers!

Skippy and I decided to give a little bit of general advice this week. Some Unsolicited Advice for the general populace. I see it as an opportunity to share with you what really makes my blood boil. We all have to co exist on this planet so, lets try and make it as pleasant as possible for each other. Warning: I may offend some of you and I will be using language of the bad variety. I seem to be good at that, even though I try my best to give the benefit of the doubt. I am not going to hold back. Here is what I think people need advice on:

You Drive Like An Asshole.

Mostly you, the truck driver. I don’t drive a truck, therefore other people who do drive a truck see me as expendable. Hey you, person who drives a truck, you don’t own the road, I am still here. I understand that if we were in a wreck, your truck would have a small dent and mine would look like a crushed soda can and I will probably be dead. Think about that the next time you cut me off, asshole. Oh, and people of Fort Collins and the world, LEARN TO USE THE TURN SIGNAL. Also, lets at least go the speed limit. Ten miles below is as fucked up as ten above.

baddriverYou Also Park Like An Asshole.

This morning I had thought I had found a gloriously close spot to work. I was wrong. Some douchebag was almost taking up two spaces. Really? Downtown parking is a commodity. Thanks for fucking with my morning. This seems to be a common epidemic around the world. Let me give you some advice, your car is probably going to get keyed or worse. Just saying.

You Don’t Need To Tell Me What I Should Be Eating.

Oh, so you are on a great new diet/have gone gluten free/eliminated dairy/wheat/eggs/starch/only eat vegtables that die a natural death…. I DON”T CARE. I think what you need to understand that everyone’s dietary needs are different, therefore, they should determine what is best for their bodies. Unless I ask, I don’t want to know.

 

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You Should Not Use Facebook for TMI posting.

TMI, for those of you who don’t know, is short for Too Much Information. Not too many of you do this any more, but for those of you that do, cut it the fuck out. We don’t need a novel about what is going on in your life every day or 800 pictures of your food/child /beer/ self. Those of you who post a pic of themselves every other day, just stop. It’s obnoxious. You are not that important to anyone.

You have a Cock, I Get it. That doesn’t mean I want it.

I went to a wedding fairly recently and had a guy try to grab my boobs while dancing. “I’m married!” I said. “I like you.” He said, then, proceeded to do what I can only describe as a white man’s mating ritual… the dance of You Should Want My Dick. I don’t. I have one at home, thank you very much and I am very happy with it… him.

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Your Dog is STILL Not On A Leash!

I wrote an Unsolicited Advice about this topic already. It is a LAW that you need to have your dog on a leash. I was walking my dog yesterday morning and this stupid woman with her 100 lb dog was letting the dog walk around without holding on the her leash. I don’t know your name, lady, but I know your dog’s name is Kendra and she tried to eat my little Zazu. I had to scoop him up and try to get your dog off of me. This is not OK. My husband had the same problem with a Labrador last week, getting in my dog’s face and a tussle happened. My husband heard the typical “Don’t worry, my dog is friendly.” Yeah, but my dog feels threatened and will react as such. Keep your dog on a leash for fuck sake. I wish I could report you.

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So that is about it. Really, I am pretty easy going. I just asked my husband if he could think of anything else that pisses me off and he couldn’t. These are the main things that get my panties in a bunch. Next week I will have a brand new installment of Robyn Rants so I am sure I will have something new that I am frustrated about. You wont want to miss out!

Do you have a list of things that really piss you off? You can write to us anonymously!! Tune in Friday to see what Skip has to say. I am sure he has a lot of things to get off his chest. Don’t miss it!

Unsolicited Advice: He Says Pay For Your Parking

Unsolicited Advice Kitty Says if you have money to shop you have money to pay for parking in fort collins

The geniuses who brought you the MAX Transhit Boondoggle (a brilliant plan to reduce traffic downtown) are now bringing you parking meters in Old Town. The “official” word is that no decisions have been made yet. If you believe that you’re a special kind of stupid. The parking meters are coming back.

And you need to learn to be okay with this. You elected the government of Fort Collins to make decisions for you. They’re making decisions for you. Shut up and obey. This is democracy.

Why You Should Pay For Parking In Old Town

1. I bike or walk to Old Town.

Screw you.

2. Automobiles cause global warming.

You don’t . . . deny . . . global warming do you?

3. Parking cost money.

Those parking places have to be cleaned. All that trash that you people couldn’t manage to get into one of the many trash cans in Old Town and subsequently ends up in the street has to be cleaned up.

Additionally the Meter Maids (I’m pretty sure that’s a politically incorrect title for them and that’s why I’m using it) who give you parking tickets need to be paid. And the city’s share of their taxes and benefits must be paid.

The city had to buy those scooter-cars they drive around in. The city had to buy those trucks with the camera that driver around recording license plates. These vehicles need fuel and maintenance.

Once all these expenditures are factored in the city is probably loosing money. Losing money is what governments do.

You don’t . . . deny . . . the $18 trillion national debt do you?

Right now those of us who don’t park in Old Town are subsidizing your parking. It’s time for you to grow up and start paying your fair share.

4. Why the hell aren’t you taking the MAX?

The MAX has alleviated parking and traffic issues in Fort Collins. The MAX serves all your needs for getting to Old Town. It’s easy, fun, convenient, hip and cool.

You don’t . . . deny . . . the MAX Transhit Boondoggle do you?

Will Parking Meters Destroy Old Town?

Old Town is already dead. It’s in zombie mode right now. Has anyone noticed the turn over of businesses there?

There are some businesses that have been in Old Town forever and I have no idea how they survive.

There are the bars. We know how they survive.

There are the corporate entities. They survive via corporate welfare and government bailouts.

Add to this rising rent cost which has driven out some small businesses and what do you get?

Centerra.

Why Don’t People Use The Existing Parking Garages?

There happen to be two parking garages in Old Town and I’ve never seem them full yet. Are people going to use those? No. According to one quote I read on the internet (thus it must be true) some people don’t know the parking garages exist.

Because when you are driving around in circles looking for a parking place how would you notice that four story building filled with parked cars? How could you notice the signs on the street with the “P” and the arrows pointing to parking? This is Fort Collins. The Choice City. Who the hell reads street signs?

if you can not find parking do not drive in fort collins

Enough Of My Bitching

Ask Us Fort Collins is here to help. Robyn and I are about solutions.

I’ve got some alternatives the city could consider before installing parking meters in Old Town.

1. Establish a bus system. We could have a bus that goes back and forth along one street all day long.

Except on Sunday ’cause that’s the day everyone stays home and talks to the invisible man who lives in the sky. So we don’t need the bus to run on Sunday. Who would go to Old Town on Sunday? I’ve been to Old Town on Sunday. It’s a ghost town. No one is there.

And the bus should stop running at midnight because the bars close at 2am. The idea of having the bus running after the bars close so the drunk people can get home without driving is stupid. That would cut into the number of DUIs and DUIs are big money.

This bus system should have it’s own Twitter account.

This would totally solve the parking problem in Old Town.

2. Ya know that stadium CSU is going to build on campus and use 8 times a year? When CSU isn’t playing football in the stadium they could let people park inside it.

For a fee of course. You get parking. CSU makes money. it’s a win-win.

The Only Reason You Can Find A Parking Place Now

Next time you drive to Old Town and park follow this procedure:

1. Walking from your car to your destination ask each person you pass “Did you ride your bike or walk to Old Town?”

2. When the first person answers “Yes” to that question:

a. Ask him to stop.

b. Go behind him.

c. Get on your knees.

d. Reach around his waist, unfasten his pants, pull down his pants and underwear.

e. Kiss his naked ass.

Why? Because those of us who don’t drive to Old Town and take up parking places are the reason you can find a parking place in Old Town. If everyone drove to Old Town there really would be “no parking”.

looking for parking in fort collins

Parking Meters in Old Town? Hell Yes!

Shut up and ride the MAX. You people wanted it. You got it. Use it. I’m sick of your whining. It’s not going to kill you to pay for parking. If you have money to spend in the stores and bars in Old Town then you have money to park your car.

Unsolicited Advice She Says: It Will Be a Bitch Fest

parking ticket

Parking in Old Town.

Yes, it is a problem. A pretty big problem, actually.

As some of you readers may know, if you have been paying attention and have an excellent memory, I work in Old Town. I can count on at least one customer every day complaining about parking. Usually it’s more than one. I really am sick of hearing about it. There is nothing I can do to help you park except recommend you don’t come to Old Town between the hours of 11-2 because everyone is out for lunch. Or park in the garage. The first hour is free. When I make this recommendation I hear “I don’t want to walk that far.” Seriously? It’s like a block from my work. Not that difficult at all. Sometimes I am in disbelief at how lazy our society has become. Everyone wants what they want right now with no wait, no walking and gratification of the instant variety. Makes me miss living in London. That magnificent city has very accessible public transportation and people don’t seem to mind walking. It is just a way of life.

Downtown is very busy, and as Fort Collins continues to grow (and it will) it will be even more busy. Where do I park when I go to work? I park three blocks away and hoof it to work. And I honestly don’t mind. My husband just started working in Old Town and feels guilty that he has a parking pass for his work. I told him to stop being silly, that I am used to walking and I really don’t mind. Have I got a ticket before by parking over time in a 2 hour parking spot? You bet your ass I have. I have even been a victim to the parking lot behind the Rio. They mean it when they say $100 fine. It may even be up to $200 by now. The city really does monitor parking VERY closely. We call the meter-maids (meter-men?) the parking Nazis. They are strict and unforgiving. One day I even saw a man chewing one of them out. I don’t even think it was his car. He told the guy “you are making life really difficult for a lot of people.” Was he? Maybe so, but he is also just doing his job. Not his rules, just something he does for a living. Guy’s gotta eat.

Still, there are ways around the two hour limit.

First of all, your first ticket is just a warning and, after six months, you get a clean slate. So, every six months you can park for more than 2 hours in Old Town with just a slap on the wrist. Another secret? The parking people don’t check after 5pm. Yep, it’s a government job, 9-5, no earlier, no later. You can park at 3:01pm and be good for the rest of the afternoon/evening. You’re welcome.

parking meter

So, the city has begun discussions on whether or not to add parking meters to busy on street, on demand, parking spaces. Hmmm. So many thoughts on this. My first thought is that there will be a lot of bitching going on. And, if they do put in meters, I will have to get an ear full every time someone comes into my shop. Even though there is nothing I can do about it, nor will my boss move her business. Also, I really don’t think that it will make parking in Old Town any easier. This just means that if you have the money, you can live in your parking spot for more than two hours. Turnover rate will be low, bitching will be high.

There is something about working in old town. I love it. I love the energy, I love the shopping, I love going out for cocktails or a beer after work. I love how charming it is and how much restaurant variety we are lucky to have. But I definitely do not like the parking situation. Do we need a change? I think so, but…

Fort Collins, a lot of people are going to be pissed off about metered parking.

Personally, I won’t. I will just park far away and walk. But, then again, will it be more difficult to park further away because people will be doing the same thing? That will piss me off. It will be annoying to hear people complain, so that might piss me off too. Then, we may lose business because people wont come to Old Town to pay for parking. Then I will lose my job. OK. Then I will get really pissed off. Let’s not put in these meters. I would like to keep my job, thank you very much.

My solution? The lot where the Elks building was on Remington should be turned into a parking lot. It is right next to a parking lot anyway. Nothing has occupied that space in ages. Turn it into free parking, two hour of course, and all will be well. Really, all we need are a few more parking options.

And, people, stop bitching. We live in one of the most desirable places in the U.S. don’t make it less desirable by complaining about little things. Life is just too damn short.

parking

What did you think of Robyn’s post? Check back on Friday to see what Skippy has to say!