Archive | She Says RSS feed for this section

Unsolicited Advice She Says: It’s Grey, Not Black and White

gaston

Let it be known:

As I write this post I have not seen the movie, nor did I read the book. Well, that is not entirely true. I tried to read the book.

A quick story:

I had never heard of Fifty Shades of Grey until my hairdresser, and friend, told me about it. I used to work at the salon, I was getting my hair done at one day, and all the girls were buzzing about this book. “What is it about?” I asked. “Just read it!” they said. They told me it was sexy and I was going to love it. Flash forward about a week. My husband and I went out for drinks and stopped by the grocery store on the way home. I was a bit tipsy; and after seeing that the store carried Fifty Shades of Grey, I exclaimed very loudly that my husband should buy it for me. He did. The next day I woke up with a small hangover and my husband asking me why I insisted he buy me fan fiction erotica.

WHAT????? What did you buy me? What kind of erotica?

I didn’t have a clue.

He then proceeded to explain to me what kind of literature was now sitting on our dining room table. “Oh well,” I thought, “I am very comfortable with my sexuality so I should enjoy this book. Everyone else is reading, it so how bad can it be?”

I can’t tell you how far I actually got because I don’t remember the chapter or page number. I can say this, I read it as far as Christian Grey taking the main characters virginity (NOT realistic in the least) and stopped when Ana (the main character) started reading the contract he gives her to sign so they can continue having sex. I use the word “contract” because I think that is how they address it in the book. It felt more like a waver saying she won’t sue him if he goes too far in the bedroom. And I do mean too far. I became extremely uncomfortable and promptly put the book down. I have not picked it up since. In fact, after moving four times since I tried to read it, I couldn’t even tell you if it is still in my possession.

mastgrey

So now this erotica novel is a movie, and people have issues with it. Are we surprised? We, and by “we” I mean America, are a puritan society. Don’t believe me? Think about how this country was founded. The puritans came here to escape religious persecution. Compared to other countries, our R rated movies get a PG rating elsewhere. OK, maybe not that extreme, but pretty close to it.

We are also a society of complainers. If you are not offending one person, you are offending someone else by trying not to be offensive in the first place. Everyone’s a pusher. Everyone’s a shover. And most certainly everyone wants their opinion to be known. This is why we have free speech. And blogs.

Back to Fifty Shades. Yes, I put the book down. I had to ponder on this. Why were all the women saying it was so wonderful? These were friends of mine whom I know, love and trust. What is it about this novel that makes it so great? And what does the movie have to offer in turn? Is it because it is so far-fetched and fantastical that reading the book would be akin to reading about unicorns actually existing? No, ladies.  The BDSM community exists. I don’t understand it myself. I mean, a spanking now and then is fun and kinky but I don’t want anyone chaining me up and taking a belt to me.

greyhair

I decided to talk to my best friend about the movie before I continued writing my advice for the week. She has not read the book, but did go see the movie over the weekend. Over cocktails and dinner tonight I asked her:

“First tell me your overall impression.”

“Disturbing” was her reply.

She then described the movie to me in detail, and mostly a whisper since we were in a public restaurant. From what I understand there are sexy moments, but also very uncomfortable ones. For the most part it is about control and who has the control over whom. Apparently it changes hands, even though Christian Grey has the upper hand in the beginning. Is this what makes it interesting? Being the victim of controlling relationships, I do not find this appealing. My best friend very wisely pointed out that it is all very personal. I think she is right. I think who you are and what has shaped you into whatever your sexuality may be is how you will react to this book/movie. It is no wonder so many people are up in arms, it is being taken very personally.

I will say this: I think it is a bunch of BS that this is the movie that so many people take issue with, when there are other movies containing much worse depictions of sex in them that have won Oscars. Think about A Clockwork Orange, or Monsters Ball (a movie I had to turn off because I was so disturbed). Is it because this is a female fantasy and women are not allowed to be sexual? It is much more difficult for a woman to admit things like watching porn than it is for a man. A man gets high-fived while a woman gets dirty looks. This is true.

pornwatch

My friend also informed me that we never see Christian Grey’s penis in the movie but there is vagina galore. Don’t even get me started on that front.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to see the movie for myself and then form some better advice and opinion. Next week is Robyn’s Rant and I will address all these issues and more.

In the meantime, I want to know your opinion. I especially want to hear from the ladies so I can understand the different angles this issue can take.

Please comment below and check back on Friday for what Skippy has to say. Then, tune in next Wednesday where I address Fifty Shades of Grey from a more informed perspective.

 

She Says: Rethink Your Standards

great-time-flirting-ecard-someecards

Dear Dating and Doubting,

Am I reading this correctly? The fact that this amazing girl you went out with doesn’t like video games is a deal breaker? Really? I can’t tell you how big my sigh was when I read that, lets just say BIG.

I have a few things to say about video games and relationships before I answer your question properly. I don’t understand this new standard of relationships based on video game culture. When did it start? Should I blame Atari? Nintendo? Sega? Gaming on a Saturday night does not sound like a fun date night to me. In fact, it’s not. I know this to be true. In my early twenties I had a boyfriend who was a gym nut. He was, for lack of a better term, a bodybuilder. Three hours at the gym every day and not a second less. In his spare time he liked to play video games. I would go to his apartment and watch him play video games for hours because after a day at the gym, this is all he wanted to do (well, not all he wanted to do). We never really went out except on two occasions. The relationship, as you may have guessed, didn’t last very long. Where was the romance? The fun? The excitement? There are only so many times I can pretend to be excited on how well he did on Ratchet and Clank.

marryman

You might now be thinking “Great, Robyn doesn’t get it because she is against video games.” Don’t think that! I am not against video games, I am against them being a standard for romance. My husband plays them and I do tend to watch him play from time to time. Some of these new games play out like a movie and I am eager to see where the story goes. Do we do this often? No. And I am happy to read my book or work on my blog or whatever else while he plays. They are not banned from our household, nor do I give him a hard time. Though, I am still trying to figure out the appeal of Minecraft.

Now back to your question. You have asked me and my counterpart if you think your expectations are too high. The answer is: No. Your expectations would be high if you only dated women who were doctors, owned Lamborghini’s and only ate sushi for every meal.

I think it is important for everyone to know this: It is OK to have high standards.

Ridiculous standards, no. High standards that are within reason, yes. Video game playing and drinking habits do not fall into this category. In fact, I do not think they should be standards in the first place. What is a reasonable list of higher standards? I am glad you asked!

Resonable standard #1: Religion. It is imperative that you have the same or close to the same religious beliefs. There are two arguments you can have that will never have a winning side. One is religion and the other is…

Reasonable Standard #2: Politics. Sharing the same politics is important because of the same reason religion is important. Or, you can do what my husband and I do and just NEVER discuss them.

Reasonable Standard #3: Family matters. I am not saying you have to figure this out right away, but eventually you both need to have the same thoughts on having kids.

Reasonable Standard #4: Attraction. You have got to be physically attracted to the person in order for anything to go anywhere. I have tried to date someone I wasn’t attracted to. I gave it five (that’s right, five) chances. Be careful that this doesn’t go into the Ridiculous Standard category. Just because her second toe is bigger than her big toe shouldn’t be a deal breaker. Or anything along those lines.

Reasonable Standard #5: Interests. If you and she have 50% to 75% of your interests in common, then this is a good start! Don’t immediately discredit this girl because she has different drinking, video game, and technological interests.

Now to discuss the short-term, long-term part of your question. I think you are very confused about what you want right now. Hell, I was confused just reading about how you want something start out as “short term” but turn “long term” eventually. Isn’t that every relationship? I think the question you need to be asking yourself is if you want just a fuck buddy or a girlfriend. If the answer is a FB then I don’t think you should go on a second date with this girl. If you want a girlfriend, then I really think you have a potential candidate.

longterm

I think you need at least two more dates with this girl before you decide how into her you really are. By the third date you should know if you want to take it any further. Before you do anything though, figure out if you are ready for a girlfriend or if you are just out for a good time. Don’t lead the poor girl on, but still give it a chance. You never know, and she may just one day take a liking to playing video games. Maybe not.

What did you think of Robyn’s advice? Comment below and tune in Friday for Skippy’s advice!

Robyn and Skippy Say: How to Survive the Winter Months in Fort Collins

snowday

Howdy Ask Us Fans!

Welcome to another installment of banter from Robyn and Skippy! This week, our advice on how to survive the winter here in Fort Collins, and, well, all of Colorado. Enjoy!

1. Don’t Expect a Snow Day.

Robyn Says: It takes a blizzard to shut down our dear town, and even then we seem to still have to go to work or school.  When we do have a snow day, it is a miracle.

Skippy Says: The city should sell off all the snow plows and sand trucks.  When it snow instead of plowing the roads everything would have to shut down.  Hell yes.  Forced snow day.  That’s how we should roll.  Snow is nature’s way of saying “hey humans, slow down and smell the roses.”  ‘Cept all the roses are frozen.

2. Don’t Assume the Roads Will be Plowed By The Time You Leave for Work.

Skippy says: ‘Cause they will not be.  And if they are, they will be half ass plowed.  There will be a nice sheet of ice on the road.  Perfect for sliding into other objects. One more reason to get a job where you can work from home.

Robyn Says: Yeah, like sliding into big ass trucks.  Because for some reason, no matter how the roads are, people who drive trucks think they are invincible. Slow down, Captain Asshole.

3. Do Stock up On your Favorite Microbrew

Robyn Says: You never know when you will be able to get back to your local brewery, plus, all the good seasonals come out during the winter.  Grab your growlers and stock up!

Skippy Says:  In Colorado one should always be prepared with emergency supplies.  The freezer should be stocked with steak and at least one bottle of gin.  The fridge must contain at least a 12 pack, a growler, tonic, vermouth and olives.  Now you are ready for a winter storm.

4. Do Wear layers

Skippy Says: And by layers we don’t mean socks with sandals. It’s totally acceptable to wear shorts in the snow but put on a damn coat you fool.  Else you’re gonna catch your death of cold.

Robyn Says: And if you do wear shorts, don’t be blinding everyone with your mayonnaise legs.  We do have a lot of sun here in our lovely state, but I bet you haven’t been tanning lately.

cold

5. Don’t Believe the Weatherman (or Woman)

Skippy Says: We all know that’s a bunch of B.S.  Sure if the weatherman says it’s going to snow it might snow.  Or it might not.  It’s still a toss up almost all the time.  Keep in mind that the weatherman gets paid regardless of his batting average.  He doesn’t even care if he’s right or wrong.

Robyn Says: I wouldn’t want that job.  I like being right most of the time.  Still, I bet the benefits are good. OK, hire me.  I will predict that at 6am it will snow, by noon it will be eighty degrees and by midnight there will be a hailstorm. Am I in the ballpark?

6. Don’t Go Skiing on a Weekend

Robyn Says: Does anyone from Colorado actually go skiing?  I thought that is what all the imports do.

Skippy Says: Or better yet don’t go skiing at all.  What’s the big deal about sliding down the side of a hill with a stick tied to each of your feet.  You could be drinking Martinis by the fireplace instead.  Yes, they should be shaken not stirred.  It’s about the ice crystals.

7. Don’t go Dressing Like a Slut in Old Town on a Friday Night in 6 Inch Heels

Skippy Says: No heals in the snow & ice girls. Wear your Ugg boots.  Keep those boots fluffy and those skirts short.  You know how Skippy likes it.  He likes it often, cheap and easy.  Otherwise known as Old Town Style.

Robyn Says: So, you think you are hot stuff?  You look ridiculous and I know you are freezing your booty off.  It’s icy, ladies.  You are going to fall and break your face.

colorado.memes.post.2015.5

8. Exercise Your Body and Mind

Robyn Says: Hot Yoga is the best way to keep you body and mind warm during the winter months.  And sex.

Skippy Says: If you don’t like cold then you’re gonna be stuck indoors.  Don’t turn into a couch potato playing video games all day.  Keep your mind and body active.  You can enhance your brain power by playing chess with a hottie.  Strip chess that is.  That way you’ll soon be exercising your body as well.

9. Stay Hydrated

Skippy Says: And all joking aside, I don’t mean with booze.  Just because the weather isn’t warm doesn’t mean you don’t need water.  Drink water.  It’s good for your brain and your skin. And there is plenty of it. For free.  It’s falling out of the damn sky.

Robyn Says: Especially when you have just boozed.  Or gone skiing.  Altitude sickness is real, folks.  Colorado: Our altitude will fuck you up.

10. Find Someone To Cuddle With

Robyn Says: Or, you can cuddle with your dog, cat, vibrator…

Skippy Says: It’s not too late to be my winter cuddle muffin. Send me a photo. I’ll get back to ya.

11. Learn To Love It

Skippy Says: When I tell people I hate snow they always ask “Then why do you live in Colorado?”  The answer of course is that I don’t want to live in Minnesota or Wisconsin. You can make the best of winter by going out into it and enjoying it or you can make the best of winter by staying indoors and being productive. Regardless of your approach you better learn to love winter.

Robyn Says: I agree with Skippy.  We do have more sunshine than most states and really nice Summers.  We grin and bear the Winter months and love them for what they bring in the Spring.

12. Don’t Expect Anyone To Shovel The Snow Off Their Side walks

Robyn Says: Or put down salt.  Or care if you fall on your ass.

Skippy Says: If the laws about shoveling snow on side walks were enforced with the same rabid ferocity as the smoking laws you would be able to walk down the side walk without busting your ass.

The greatest thing about winter in Colorado is that if you don’t like it, wait 24 hours. Today’s blizzard is tomorrow’s 70 degree frolic in the sun.

snowed

Robyn Responds to Skippy: No Smoking? No Joking!

smokinggood

Skippy had a lot of shit to say this week!

Which is good, because I don’t have much shit to say in response. I agree and disagree with my counterpart. In case you didn’t click on the link he posted as to what is going in here in our lovely city: there is a debate on furthering the smoking ban here in Fort Collins.

The Gist:

  • Smoking will be banned in in the expanded downtown area including Old Town Square
  • No smoking in all city operated facilities and their grounds
  • No smoking in all city parks, trails, and natural areas
  • No smoking in city approved events and festivals

The City Council will be debating the smoking ban on February 3, as in, next week.

Skippy points out that we live in a puritan society. I 100% agree with this statement. For as liberal, liberated, and uncensored as we are, we are far more repressed than you think. What do you expect? Our country was founded by Puritans seeking refuge from religious persecution. I also agree that the social acceptability of smoking has changed. People have become defensive about their smoking habit because they feel like they have to. Society has a general overreaction to cigarette smoke.

However…

I am one of those people who finds cigarette smoke offensive. I am not only allergic to it, but I also have asthma; so it is more medical for me. I do not want to be around it. This does not mean that I think that the expanded smoking ban in Fort Collins is necessarily a good idea. I don’t think I will get cancer from secondhand smoke, nor will it ruin my day. To me, it is like smelling that undeniable stench that wafts our way from Greeley every so often; and I may have to use my inhaler. Not fun, folks, not fun.

cancercig

Can someone explain to me the appeal of cigarettes in the first place? When I was in my early days of college, it was a very social thing. Now more and more people have quit for health reasons. I think I have maybe one or two friends who smoke anymore, compared to nearly all my friends in college. Let’s not forget that Fort Collins is one of the healthiest places in the United States. Are we surprised that there is a debate about even more restrictions on smoking in public? I think not.

Will this ban really be a big deal?

Now if we banned, oh I don’t know, yoga in Fort Collins, or quinoa, or cycling shorts, I think people would go nuts. Smoking in old town and in parks? I think you will be fine. In fact, this ban may even stop all the fights that break out in front of the Drunken Monkey! And then again, maybe not. An alcohol ban will be the only way to stop that, and that’s just crazy talk. Alcohol is fine by me; it doesn’t get blown in my face and make my lungs all fucked up. Again, asthma.

If the ban has your panties in a bunch, you should write in to us and let us know your thoughts. We are still taking guest posts!

My final thoughts: There will always be restrictions on things like smoking, alcohol and weed. This is just the country we live in. Fun fact: did you know that it is illegal to own a sex toy in the state of Alabama? You need a prescription from a doctor in order to legally own one. Aren’t you glad you don’t live there? See, it could always be worse. Weed is even legal now in our fine state. But no, I don’t have any.

 

Unsolicited Advice She Says: You Know Who You Are

offended

Hello Dear Readers!

Skippy and I decided to give a little bit of general advice this week. Some Unsolicited Advice for the general populace. I see it as an opportunity to share with you what really makes my blood boil. We all have to co exist on this planet so, lets try and make it as pleasant as possible for each other. Warning: I may offend some of you and I will be using language of the bad variety. I seem to be good at that, even though I try my best to give the benefit of the doubt. I am not going to hold back. Here is what I think people need advice on:

You Drive Like An Asshole.

Mostly you, the truck driver. I don’t drive a truck, therefore other people who do drive a truck see me as expendable. Hey you, person who drives a truck, you don’t own the road, I am still here. I understand that if we were in a wreck, your truck would have a small dent and mine would look like a crushed soda can and I will probably be dead. Think about that the next time you cut me off, asshole. Oh, and people of Fort Collins and the world, LEARN TO USE THE TURN SIGNAL. Also, lets at least go the speed limit. Ten miles below is as fucked up as ten above.

baddriverYou Also Park Like An Asshole.

This morning I had thought I had found a gloriously close spot to work. I was wrong. Some douchebag was almost taking up two spaces. Really? Downtown parking is a commodity. Thanks for fucking with my morning. This seems to be a common epidemic around the world. Let me give you some advice, your car is probably going to get keyed or worse. Just saying.

You Don’t Need To Tell Me What I Should Be Eating.

Oh, so you are on a great new diet/have gone gluten free/eliminated dairy/wheat/eggs/starch/only eat vegtables that die a natural death…. I DON”T CARE. I think what you need to understand that everyone’s dietary needs are different, therefore, they should determine what is best for their bodies. Unless I ask, I don’t want to know.

 

diet

You Should Not Use Facebook for TMI posting.

TMI, for those of you who don’t know, is short for Too Much Information. Not too many of you do this any more, but for those of you that do, cut it the fuck out. We don’t need a novel about what is going on in your life every day or 800 pictures of your food/child /beer/ self. Those of you who post a pic of themselves every other day, just stop. It’s obnoxious. You are not that important to anyone.

You have a Cock, I Get it. That doesn’t mean I want it.

I went to a wedding fairly recently and had a guy try to grab my boobs while dancing. “I’m married!” I said. “I like you.” He said, then, proceeded to do what I can only describe as a white man’s mating ritual… the dance of You Should Want My Dick. I don’t. I have one at home, thank you very much and I am very happy with it… him.

dickbecome

Your Dog is STILL Not On A Leash!

I wrote an Unsolicited Advice about this topic already. It is a LAW that you need to have your dog on a leash. I was walking my dog yesterday morning and this stupid woman with her 100 lb dog was letting the dog walk around without holding on the her leash. I don’t know your name, lady, but I know your dog’s name is Kendra and she tried to eat my little Zazu. I had to scoop him up and try to get your dog off of me. This is not OK. My husband had the same problem with a Labrador last week, getting in my dog’s face and a tussle happened. My husband heard the typical “Don’t worry, my dog is friendly.” Yeah, but my dog feels threatened and will react as such. Keep your dog on a leash for fuck sake. I wish I could report you.

almostmoo

So that is about it. Really, I am pretty easy going. I just asked my husband if he could think of anything else that pisses me off and he couldn’t. These are the main things that get my panties in a bunch. Next week I will have a brand new installment of Robyn Rants so I am sure I will have something new that I am frustrated about. You wont want to miss out!

Do you have a list of things that really piss you off? You can write to us anonymously!! Tune in Friday to see what Skip has to say. I am sure he has a lot of things to get off his chest. Don’t miss it!

She Says: Your Mom Moocher Must Go

cool-mom

Dear She’s My Mom Not Yours,

I am afraid to say it, but we are living in an age where moving in with relatives is the new norm.  Moving back home is the fall back plan. Life in these United States is not what it once was and the almighty dollar doesn’t go very far. Have you been abroad lately? I was in England, and the dollar bill might as well have been a piece of notebook paper with a smiley face drawn on it. In other words, we are screwed.

So, this is your cousin who is leeching off of your mother? Why isn’t your cousin at his own mother or fathers house? There is some reason that your mother feels compelled to help him and, I think I know why.

Your Mom is probably lonely. Your dad passed away and, I assume she has had an empty nest for a long time. I can’t imagine living without my husband and I am certain there is a void that she was willing to fill in her life with your cousin. Sure, you can adopt a dog or a cat, but nothing compares to human companionship. She was probably so desperate that his parasitic behavior was a welcome change. It is fine to live with your parent, but, if you are not contributing financially then you are just a moocher. Plain and simple.

mooch

Since you say you have brought his mooching to her awareness, and you say she is healthy in mind and body, she may just want the companionship so bad that she doesn’t mind paying for your cousin to live with her. This is not healthy, though, because she has become an enabler. He will never learn anything if she keeps letting him get away with being a mooch. Once a mooch, always a mooch. Why should he have to get a job or pay for anything? There are no consequences to his actions. It is like dealing with a child. If you reward bad behavior, then the child thinks that they can get away with their bad behavior. It is always astounding to me to see this cause and effect application. BECAUSE you are an enabler then the EFFECT is that nothing will change. This is no longer a time of need, it is a time of “what can I get away with.”

responsibility

I’m afraid it is up to you to talk to your cousin. Three years is too damn long. In fact, I’ll bet you can get other family members to rally behind you to help with the situation. I want you to stage an intervention with both of them. There is safety in numbers and I am certain you cannot be the only one in your family who sees something wrong with this situation. In fact, the whole world sees something wrong with this situation. Offer to help your cousin look for jobs and then help your mom sign up for some classes or activities with the local senior center. I work with a lady who went on a hiking trip to Italy through a local senior citizen program. She had a blast and made some very close friends. I am not saying your mom should go to Italy, but, maybe if she fills her life with more companionship, she wont want your cousin around so much. The first step though, is the conversation.

Ultimately, it is up to your mom to fix the situation and stop being an enabler. I hope you can show her the way and have a heart to heart with your cousin. Sometimes tough love is the answer, so don’t be afraid to stand up for what you believe in. Good luck.

 

What did you think of Robyn’s advice? Comment below and tune in Friday for Skippy’s advice!

Ten Reasons You Should Be Asking For Advice From Robyn And Skippy.

solving other peoples problems is easy in fort collins

Don’t be shy.  Write in to us.  We don’t bite.  Unless you’re into that kind thang.  And if you need a spanking we can help with that as well.

1. Our advice is free of personal bias. We don’t know you and whatever problem you are facing we don’t have a dog in that fight.

Skippy: You will never get unbiased advice from people who know you. It’s just a fact. They either want you to succeed or fail and will adjust their advice accordingly.

Robyn: And we are not betting on your horse either.

2. You can ask for advice about things your friends should be asking advice on. Send them links to our answers and see if they get the hint.

Robyn: We are happy to take on your friends issues so you don’t have to. Being removed from a situation is always better for advice. We can’t put any emotion into it, Skippy especially.

Skippy: I don’t even have emotions. Not only am I a boy I’m an asshole as well.

i am not just a boy i am also an asshole in fort collins

3. You can ask us questions you can’t ask your parents. Or your friends. Or your children. Or your enemies.

Skippy: You can ask us questions you can’t even ask yourself. That’s how deep we are.

Robyn: Or your boss, mailman, bank teller, hairdresser, gynaecologist… well maybe your gyno.

4. We will never know who you are. We’ve got an anonymous contact form from which you can send us a message without revealing your identity.

Robyn: If we don’t know who you are, we can’t really judge you. I am a fan of giving the benefit of the doubt.

Skippy: I don’t need to know who you are to judge you so it doesn’t matter. Judging is the thing I’m second best at. Hurting feelings with the truth is what I’m the very best at.

5. Asking Robyn and Skippy is a great way to get things off your chest.

Skippy: Catharsis is good for ya. Since hardly none of you folks go to the theatre any more to get a dose of catharsis you’ve gotta get it some place. Of course if you have a really nice chest I’ll be happy to get on it.

Robyn: He means the females AND the males. Nah, but seriously, keeping things bottled up inside is never good for anyone. Eventually all your problems adding up could lead to a volcanic eruption of emotion. Don’t be a volcano, just write in.

6. We will save you a lot of time and money.

Robyn: We are not licensed therapists; therefore we don’t charge you any money. You can write to us once a week and you wont have to drive to a therapists office and pay them money to solve your problems. We will do it for free! (If you have really serious depression though, please go to a professional. We are only a band-aid not a suture.)

Skippy: I do it for free. But only if you’re a cute girl. Oh wait, I thought we were talking about sex. Never mind. Unless you’re a cute girl. In which case you should contact me right now and send a photo. But it’s true. We will help you solve your problems for free. Keep in mind that we can only do a limited amount of problem solving for you because of the limitations of the blog format. If you need serious help you might need to Consult An Asshole.

7. We have a lot of life experience and can see situations from different angles. Male and Female angles in fact.

Skippy: I have so much experience that’s I’ve forgotten much of it and had to learn a second time. I’m not just once the expert, I’m twice the expert.

Robyn: My favourite angle is from the rear…

8. You don’t have to take our advice.

Robyn: If you don’t like the advice we give you (I don’t know why you wouldn’t) you don’t have to take it! Nothing lost, nothing gained.

Skippy: I know. Hard to believe isn’t it? Who wouldn’t take our advice? Fact is some people think they know better than us. Yet we are the ones writing the advice column. What does that tell ya?

9. You can take our advice!

Skippy: And shove it! No. Just kidding. If anything there are those who would say we can take our advice and shove it.

Robyn: Who knows? We may have just changed your life with our words of wisdom.

we are awesome so fuck you in fort collins

10. Because we are awesome!

Robyn: ‘Nuff said!

Skippy: Robyn is awesome. I’m a sex machine. Totally different thang.

Learning Things The Hard Way: The Price of Fame

hardway

It is your resident She Says adviser, Robyn here. Welcome to our new segment! That’s right! We are calling it Learning Things The Hard Way. Skippy and I are going to take stories from the media (local and otherwise), as well as your submissions of lessons learned in life. So, what is the perfect topic to introduce you to our new content? Why, the fuss over Idina Menzel’s New Year’s eve flub, that’s what! Didja miss it? Are you living under a rock? Skippy must be, because he had no idea what I was talking about.

So, it goes a little something like this (for those of you who have found a quiet place to call home under said rock): Idina Menzel, diva extraordinaire, with the voice like an angel. Better known to me as the Tony award winning actress for her portrayal of Elphaba (the Wicked Witch of the West) in Wicked on Broadway, but better known to the rest of the world as the voice of Elsa in Disney’s Frozen. Still confused? Sigh.

Here is a video to help:

 

Doesn’t she have a beautiful voice? I mean, she won a TONY!! Gotta love her. I mean that voice! So, she was, of course, asked to perform this song on the iconic Dick Clark’s New Years Eve in Time Square. And what better a song to ring in the New year? Let it go! Let the negativity of the last year go and embrace a new year with a positive attitude! At least…that’s what I got from it.

Anyway, Ms. Menzel starts belting her song at midnight, doing pretty well for a live performance… until the end. On the final high note of the song, she flubs it and rasps out something that would make your ears bleed. What happened then? The world exploded!

Not really. But the media did, Twitter did, Facebook did, etc, etc, etc. Idina Menzel missed the note? HOW DARE SHE! Lets make fun of her/attack her/humiliate her/talk about her constantly because we have nothing better to do!

Really?

I tried to find a video to show all of you what happened, but they seem to have all been erased because of a copyright whatever. Actually, I am glad that the video is not available to show you. Here is the thing: IT IS NOT A BIG DEAL!

You know what I love about live performances? They are live. There is more of a connection between an audience member and the performer when you are at a live show. There is an energy there that is unparallelled and, guess what? Sometimes mistakes happen. It is a beautiful glimpse of humanity. Do you know what is not a beautiful glimpse of humanity? The reaction to a simple mistake made by a person who is only human and just happens to be a celebrity.

This brings me to the lesson that was learned here. The price of fame is high, it demands perfection, it demands superhuman powers and it demands constant upkeep. Like the iconic song Hotel California by the Eagles professes; “you can check out any time you’d like, but you can never leave.”

one-does-not-simply-leave-the-hotel-california

Another lesson to learn here is that it is all in how you handle the situation. Idina Menzel tweeted about her mistake the day after it happened:

There are about 
3 million notes in a two-and-a-half-hour musical; being a perfectionist, it took me a long time 
to realize that if I’m hitting 75 percent of them, 
I’m succeeding. Performing isn’t only about
 the acrobatics and the high notes: It’s staying in the moment, connecting with the audience 
in an authentic way, and making yourself 
real to them through the music. I am more than the notes I hit, and that’s how I try to approach my life. You can’t get it all right all the time, but 
you can try your best. If you’ve done that, all 
that’s left is to accept your shortcomings and have 
the courage to try to overcome them.”

She is beyond eloquent and her words speak to all of us, applying to any endeavor. It is not easy being a celebrity but it also not easy to be, simply, human. We should remember that when we are so quick to scrutinize mistakes.

Some of you may know that I have a background in theatre so, I have to add this:  I would bet cash-money that Kristin Chenoweth is having a bit of a gloat over this fiasco. Who is Kristin Chenowith? Why, she co-starred with Idena Menzel in Wicked and lost the Tony to her in 2004.  But I digress.

wicked

The lesson learned here is one of humanity. It is OK to be human and make mistakes. It is all in how you handle the situation. Sometimes, to do what you dream, you have to take the risk, close your eye and leap. Life is full of consequences and Idina Menzel will sing on, whether you bash her on Twitter or not.

What do you think about Idina Menzel’s situation? Comment below and don’t forget to check back on Friday for another new-ish segment! You wont want to miss it!

Robyn Responds to Skippy: Failure Happens

epic fail

Wow Skippy!

I am always dazzled by how you manage to insert sex references into anything and everything!  Looking beyond that, you had some solid words of wisdom this week about failure and how to avoid setting yourself up for failure. And, I think that you had some good tips on setting up systems instead of goals. Small rewards do make big changes. I like this way of thinking; systems make for long term changes and goals inevitably have an end point. Definitely something positive to work on in the new year.

So, Skip gave some advice on making changes for the new year because on January 1, everything changes. Everything is re-set and all can start new and clean and fresh without any mistakes. Time to change! Time to make your life better! Screw the last year because there is a shiny new year with so many possibilities! And, according to Skippy, there is no excuse for failure.

Why?

I mean, I hate excuses just like anyone else because; if “ifs” and “buts” were candy and nuts we’d all have a Merry Christmas. In other words, too many ifs and buts make for unworthy excuses. There is such a thing as a good excuse, but most of the time excuses are just a lot of hot air. Failure does happen. Whether you set yourself up for it or not. I, for one, am glad that failure happens. What better way to humble yourself and learn from mistakes if not for failure?

excuse

One way I do think we set ourselves up for failure is the whole concept behind a new year. Talk about pressure. Who came up with the idea of a new year’s resolution anyway? Why the fuck does January 1 mark the time to make changes in your life? What if you are not ready? What if there are factors in your life that you can’t avoid making it impossible for change at this time? Yet society, or some sadistic asshole one day made it a tradition that you make a resolution at the beginning of the year. So everyone asks you what your resolution is and why you have made that resolution and how will you uphold yourself to said resolution. Again, you are just setting yourself up for failure.

Some people can’t think for themselves. It’s sad but true. When you decided to set up a system for yourself to make changes it should be on your own terms, not because someone else is pressuring you (or, in this case, the time of year). There are people out there who can’t make that decision on their own and they need the motivation of January 1 to decide to make a change. Lame. I say, start making up a system for yourself whenever you are damn well ready. If that date is January 1, then fine. If it is April 12, that is fine too. September 23? Great! March 31st? Super!  The first step to avoiding failure is being ready for whatever change you are going to make on your own terms.

changes

It is OK to fail. Really, it is!

Shocking? It shouldn’t be. When you do decide to make a change in your life, do not be afraid to fail. This is the number one reason people decide not to make any change. If you go into any endeavor with the attitude that you are not allowed to fail, well, you have already failed. Every person on this planet is afraid of failure. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you tell yourself that it is OK to fail you are more likely to start making a change.

Why is it OK to fail?

  1. What do we learn when things are easy?
  2. We cannot grow and learn unless we fail now and then.
  3. When we learn from a failure we find out more about ourselves and become more complete as a person.
  4. Failure comes with wisdom, which, is the only cure for ignorance.
  5. The harder you try the less likely you are to fail, but, if you do fail you will know you did everything in your power not to fail.
  6. Therefore, you will not be able to have any lame excuses, because the failure was not your fault.
  7. Even if the failure was your fault, you still accomplished something and that, my friend, is not a failure.

Trying something even though it may fail is still doing something worthwhile. Thinking outside of your box (no, Skippy, I do not mean a vagina) is one of the hardest things we, as humans, have to do. Figure out your system of change and develop your own way to succeed. Even if you fail, you will have learned something new about yourself, and that is winning in my book.

However you decide to live your life, make a good one. Not just a great year, but a great life. Make your decisions for change based on where you are in your life, not what time of year it is or because you “have” to make a resolution. Fail, fail, fail some more and then try again. You won’t always fail, especially if you make the right choices and set up realistic systems for yourself. It really is OK to fail now and again and I promise, people will still like you.

 

 

Unsolicited Advice She Says: It Will Be a Bitch Fest

parking ticket

Parking in Old Town.

Yes, it is a problem. A pretty big problem, actually.

As some of you readers may know, if you have been paying attention and have an excellent memory, I work in Old Town. I can count on at least one customer every day complaining about parking. Usually it’s more than one. I really am sick of hearing about it. There is nothing I can do to help you park except recommend you don’t come to Old Town between the hours of 11-2 because everyone is out for lunch. Or park in the garage. The first hour is free. When I make this recommendation I hear “I don’t want to walk that far.” Seriously? It’s like a block from my work. Not that difficult at all. Sometimes I am in disbelief at how lazy our society has become. Everyone wants what they want right now with no wait, no walking and gratification of the instant variety. Makes me miss living in London. That magnificent city has very accessible public transportation and people don’t seem to mind walking. It is just a way of life.

Downtown is very busy, and as Fort Collins continues to grow (and it will) it will be even more busy. Where do I park when I go to work? I park three blocks away and hoof it to work. And I honestly don’t mind. My husband just started working in Old Town and feels guilty that he has a parking pass for his work. I told him to stop being silly, that I am used to walking and I really don’t mind. Have I got a ticket before by parking over time in a 2 hour parking spot? You bet your ass I have. I have even been a victim to the parking lot behind the Rio. They mean it when they say $100 fine. It may even be up to $200 by now. The city really does monitor parking VERY closely. We call the meter-maids (meter-men?) the parking Nazis. They are strict and unforgiving. One day I even saw a man chewing one of them out. I don’t even think it was his car. He told the guy “you are making life really difficult for a lot of people.” Was he? Maybe so, but he is also just doing his job. Not his rules, just something he does for a living. Guy’s gotta eat.

Still, there are ways around the two hour limit.

First of all, your first ticket is just a warning and, after six months, you get a clean slate. So, every six months you can park for more than 2 hours in Old Town with just a slap on the wrist. Another secret? The parking people don’t check after 5pm. Yep, it’s a government job, 9-5, no earlier, no later. You can park at 3:01pm and be good for the rest of the afternoon/evening. You’re welcome.

parking meter

So, the city has begun discussions on whether or not to add parking meters to busy on street, on demand, parking spaces. Hmmm. So many thoughts on this. My first thought is that there will be a lot of bitching going on. And, if they do put in meters, I will have to get an ear full every time someone comes into my shop. Even though there is nothing I can do about it, nor will my boss move her business. Also, I really don’t think that it will make parking in Old Town any easier. This just means that if you have the money, you can live in your parking spot for more than two hours. Turnover rate will be low, bitching will be high.

There is something about working in old town. I love it. I love the energy, I love the shopping, I love going out for cocktails or a beer after work. I love how charming it is and how much restaurant variety we are lucky to have. But I definitely do not like the parking situation. Do we need a change? I think so, but…

Fort Collins, a lot of people are going to be pissed off about metered parking.

Personally, I won’t. I will just park far away and walk. But, then again, will it be more difficult to park further away because people will be doing the same thing? That will piss me off. It will be annoying to hear people complain, so that might piss me off too. Then, we may lose business because people wont come to Old Town to pay for parking. Then I will lose my job. OK. Then I will get really pissed off. Let’s not put in these meters. I would like to keep my job, thank you very much.

My solution? The lot where the Elks building was on Remington should be turned into a parking lot. It is right next to a parking lot anyway. Nothing has occupied that space in ages. Turn it into free parking, two hour of course, and all will be well. Really, all we need are a few more parking options.

And, people, stop bitching. We live in one of the most desirable places in the U.S. don’t make it less desirable by complaining about little things. Life is just too damn short.

parking

What did you think of Robyn’s post? Check back on Friday to see what Skippy has to say!