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Wisdom: 13 Birth Control Methods That Really Do Work

Good job. You took Robyn and Skippy’s advice when we wrote Dating To Impress: Destinations in Fort Collins. You took some hottie out on the town and now y’all are hot-n-heavy. Good job. Your next challenge is to avoid making a baby before you’re ready.

get some chuck e cheese birth control in fort collins

1. Spending time at Chuck E. Cheese.

Robyn says: Arguing, shouting, crying. And that’s just the parents. Nothing makes my legs lock faster than any time spent here watching other people’s kids misbehave.

Skippy says: Children running wild demanding attention. Spend an hour here. Now imagine you life is like this 24 hours a day.

2. Spending time at Cool Beans.

Skippy says: Drinking coffee while the kids run wild will not make it any better. Spend an hour here. Imagine this is your life. With or without coffee.

Robyn says: Once again, children behaving badly. Not sexy.

3. An I.U.D.

Robyn says: Ladies, I don’t have one, nor have I ever had one (I prefer Nuvaring) but I do have friends who have had them. They do hurt to get implanted, but I hear after that first couple of days they are ideal. Do your research before you get one though and always consult your doctor before making your decision.

Skippy says: The third most effective for of birth control. I’ve been told that in order to get an I.U.D. doctors prefer you have already had a child and you are in a relationship with a man. So much for owning your own body. Pharmaceutical corporations make a ton of money on birth control pills. They make next to nothing on I.U.D.s. Think about it next time you are telling me how much you hate the corporations.

4. Abstinence (that means not having sex).

Skippy says: The second most effective for of birth control. You can’t win if you don’t play. Effective but not an option for most people.

Robyn says: Abstaining from sex is about the only fool proof way. I couldn’t do it, though.

5. Only date ugly people and stay sober.

Robyn says: If you aren’t attracted to them then you wont want to fuck ‘em. Staying away from “beer goggles” is a must for guaranteed birth control.

Skippy says: Alcohol is responsible for many children. Now that weed is legal I wonder how many children will be born thanks to an evening of smoking a bag of green.

i am pregnant and you are the mother in fort collins

6. Homosexual sex.

Skippy says: If you get pregnant from homosexual sex then you will become famous. Talk about immaculate conception. Bonus points if one of you gets pregnant and you’re both men. This method is effective but not an option for everyone.

Robyn says: All the fun without the worry!

7. Babysitting for your friends. Or enemies.

Robyn says: Unless your friends have great kids, but even then they can be exhausting.

Skippy says: Before you buy a car you should rent the same make and model for a test drive. Before making a baby get paid to test drive one.

8. Sterilization.

Skippy says: The most effective for of birth control. I challenge you to get pregnant. Or get a woman pregnant.

Robyn says: It is much easier for the men folk to get this done. Fellas, if you don’t ever EVER want kids, just save yourselves the headache and get this done now. A little outpatient snip and you are good to go.

9. Exclusively using sex toys.

Robyn says: Ladies, two words: The Rabbit. You may have seen this particular sex toy on an episode of Sex and the City. I love mine. I think my husband is even a little bit jealous of it. His nickname is Richard and he moves like no man can. Best $90 I ever spent. Yes, they are pricy but worth it.

Skippy says: Sex toys rock. Don’t be intimidated by ‘em boys. Buying sex toys for your girl is way more fun than buying toys for your kids.  Plus these toys you’ll never outgrow.

10. Oral sex.

Skippy says: Say what? Oh yea . . . talk to me.

Robyn says: Make sure it’s 50/50. Us ladies get burned sometimes. Not that I am holding a grudge or anything. Fellas, be nice to the V. We have to basically unhinge our jaws, try not to give in to our gag reflex while finding a way to breathe and looking sexy at the same time. It’s not easy.

11. Spend all your time playing computer games and texting. AKA having no social skills.

Robyn says: I hear on some computer games you can go have sex with other characters. And then there is sexting. Both very sterile options.

Skippy says: If you never talk to a girl you’ll never fuck a girl. If you ignore every boy around you you’ll never get fucked.

12. Masturbation.

Skippy says: There isn’t an ordinance against it in Fort Collins. Yet.

Robyn says: Masturbation is sex with someone you love.

playing with my wood in fort collins

13. Watching baseball.

Robyn says: There is nothing sexy about baseball. Unless you count eating hot dogs while watching the game. I guess that phallic symbol is kinda suggestive; if you like your penis covered in mustard and stuffed between two buns.

Skippy says: I’m not sure why watching baseball is effective birth control. I’ve never managed to stay awake more than 10 minutes into a game.

He Says: Only You Can Prevent Friend-zoning.

You Are Like A Brother To Me in Fort Collins

Dear Forever Friend-zoned;

What is the secret to getting out of the friend zone?

Lots and lots of effort. I mean metric shit-tons of effort. I don’t know exactly how much a metric shit-ton is but that’s how much effort you need to get out of the friend-zone. Here is the real secret to getting out of the friend zone.

Don’t bother trying. It’s not worth it.

I know. You think these chycks who are friends of yours are so hot and fuckable that you should get out of the friend-zone and get into their pussy. I don’t know if you’ve looked up from your cell phone lately but here in FoCo there are hot chycks everywhere. I’m sitting next to one at Equinox right now and have to force myself to ignore her (not quite true, done talked to her once) so that I can make my deadline to publish this. (She left before I was finished. You were sitting in my writing space. Have your service call my service and let’s do lunch.)

Why do you not try to get out of the friend-zone? Stand in Old Town and throw a rock. Within that distance will be 10 girls you can fuck with the lights on. You are better off meeting new girls who don’t already regard you as an orbital. Changing a girls perception of you from “orbital” to “fuck machine” takes too much effort. Invest that effort in new girls.

How do I avoid getting there in the first place?

By not going there. Women don’t put you in the friend zone. You put you in the friend zone. Stop it.

You get friend-zoned because women are comfortable around you. The feel safe and secure. They have no fear at all that you will fuck them and shoot your cum in their faces.  They have no romantic attraction to you because comfortable is boring.  You let them feel comfortable. If she’s comfortable around you that’s your fault not hers.

To avoid going into the friend-zone you must be the kind of man women want to fuck.

  • Do you fawn over her?
  • Do you compliment her?
  • Do you pick up heavy objects for her?
  • Do you text her all day long?
  • Are you friends with her on Facebook?
  • Do you agree with everything she says?
  • Are you her emotional tampon?
  • Do you spend money on her?

That’s why you are friend-zoned. That’s why you are an orbital.

White Knight in Fort Collins

I should define orbital. An orbital is a man a woman keeps around to make her feel good and to move heavy objects. Men become orbitals because they are under the impression that if they are just nice enough the chyck will finally have sex with them. Chycks know how to manipulate this and keep the orbitals orbiting, doing favours for them and generally serving as emotional tampons.

To get some insight into the mind of chycks read E. Jean’s column.

Here’s one of my favourite E. Jean questions summarized. “I’m engaged to a rich man who bought me a new car and engagement ring. However I’m fucking an unemployed man who lives with his parents. What should I do.” This is woman. Don’t hate them for what they are. Recognize what they are and work with it.

Women don’t like fucking “nice guys”. They like fucking scumbags who live at home with mommy and don’t have a job. Women have a hard time filtering “confidence” from “asshole” or “sociopath”. Have you ever played the lawyer & convict pick-up game? Telling a women you just got out of prison is one of the fastest ways to get laid.

You shouldn’t actually be a scumbag. You need to create the impression in a woman’s subconscious that you are a scumbag so she will find you sexually attractive. This means changing the way you interact with women. This is also why it will almost never work with women who already regard you as an orbital. Those women will have already formed an impression of your personality and when your personality changes they will be more baffled by the change than sexually attracted. You want to start with a clean slate.

Avoiding The Friend-zone:

1. Don’t agree with her when you don’t agree with her.

When she is wrong say so in no uncertain terms. Women exist in an echo chamber. No man will disagree with a woman because he is ether

  • Afraid of being called sexist (which is how women deal with disagreement) or
  • Desperate to have sex with her and thinks agreeing is the path to pussy.

Disagreeing with her will show her you have a spine and an opinion. This triggers a chycks build in desire for a man who is confident. Chycks don’t like spineless men.

2. Physical escalation.

Touch her. Move her from one place to another. Go to the bar, get your beers and after she pays for the beers walk her to a table with your hand in the small of her back.

Take her hand while walking down the street.

While she’s playing pinball come (not cum) up behind her and put your hands on her hips.

Swat her ass. In public. Orbitals don’t swat a girl on the ass. You must indicate that you are a man who just might fuck her at any moment and that you are not afraid of physical contact.

Most men will avoid physical contact because of the fear a woman might call it sexual harassment. And she might. You need to find out if you the woman you are talking to is a feminist within the first 15 minutes and if so you need to move on. Remember, a feminist needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. As a man you need a woman who isn’t broken. Don’t waste your time on feminists.

3. Do not be an emotional tampon.

She wants to talk about her feelings. Fuck her feelings. She had a bad day at work. Why is that your problem? If you allow a woman to dump her negative emotions on you she will associate you with negative emotions. This is called anchoring.

When spending time with a woman you should engage in a fun activity and keep conversation positive, fluid and sexually charged. When she starts talking about her emotional problems firmly guide the conversation away from them.

4. Make sexual comments and jokes.

If she’s offended by sexual comments and jokes how do you think she feels about sex? Always push the boundaries. This doesn’t mean you have to be rude or crass. Subtle is better.

Every sentence shouldn’t hold a dick joke. Hold a dick? Get it? Spread them out. Spread them? Get it? Be subtle. Don’t beat her over the head or you’ll be beating off by yourself.

5. Take away her cell phone.

If you are on a “date” and she is texting someone else you will not be fucking her. Take the phone away from her, tell her you’ll hold it for her, and put it in your pocket. Turn it off as you pocket it.

As long as her cell phone is more important than you the chance of you fucking her is zero.

6.  Don’t spend money on her.

Don’t.

Buy Me A Drink in Fort Collins

Don’t park in the friend-zone. Keep your car in the fast lane or you’ll never get there.

He Says: How To Get Your Pass Punched

Hall Pass in Fort Collins

Dear Married with Misgivings;

Congratulations on the hall pass. Them things can be hard to come by and lack of a hall pass often leads to sneaking around in the shadows. Now that you’ve earned it you have an obligation to use it responsibly. Because with great power comes great responsibility. Unless you are in government.

Let’s take a look at each of the concerns you raise.

You don’t know where to begin.

As with most things you begin at the beginning. Initially you have two choices for what sort of person (or people?) you’re going to share your hall pass with. People you already know or people you don’t already know.

If the answer is people you already know then you know where to begin. Unless you are completely oblivious to others you already know which of your friends would be willing to share your hall pass. Approach them and see if they are interested.

Your other option is people you don’t already know. There’s the obvious place to meet people. Bars and breweries. I read on the interwebz that we have some of those in Fort Collins. What if the sorts of people you meet at bars are not the type of people you’re looking for or if bars are not your scene. There are online sites such as OkCupid or FetLife depending on where your interests lie on the spectrum. There’s hanging out in Old Town Square. There’s the supermarket. (Little known secret, 100% of people who have sex also eat food.) There’s the library. Are you familiar with CSU campus? I wonder if anyone on campus likes to fuck. I mean, punch a hall pass.

Essentially the best place to meet people who will share your hall pass with you is wherever you happen to be at the time. You don’t explicitly say so but I’m assuming you’re a woman. If you’re at least reasonably attractive it’s not going to be that difficult to start conversations with potential pass punchers.

You could also email a picture of yourself to me. I might be interested.

Where to begin?

  • Figure out what sort of person you’re looking for.
  • Determine where that person would be.
  • Go there and don’t look at your cell phone. Interact with other people. Radical concept I know.

You have misgivings about facing the meat market.

That’s because you refer to it as the “meat market”. By thinking about it in those terms ahead of time you are already creating a negative impression in your mind. When you frame it that way of course you don’t want to deal with it. No sane person would.

What you have to do is reframe the situation so that it’s positive and enjoyable. An adventure. Something you will enjoy. Something you’re not going to take too seriously. In the process of finding somebody to punch your hall hall pass you are going to have some uncomfortable moments and face rejection. That’s part of the process.

Don’t view this process as an unpleasant task. View the process as a game. Have fun with it. Don’t take it seriously. Don’t become so emotionally attached to the results such that failure or rejection becomes something you take personally.

Finding Someone For Sex in Fort Collins

You’re afraid this may lead to you into wanting a permanent hall pass.

I think you are getting way ahead of yourself. If you are going to avoid doing things because you might want to do more of those things then you’re not gonna do very much. You are also operating under the assumption that having a hall pass all the time would necessarily be a bad thing. Just because you have a hall pass every day of the year doesn’t mean you have to use it.

You are afraid of emotional attachment.

I would hope you have some kind of emotional attachment to whomever you share your hall pass with. This doesn’t mean wanting to marry this person and have babies but it would be a good thing if you had some emotional attachment. Unless total emotional detachment is what you are looking for. That is harder to come by (get it?) than you might think.

This raises the spectre of what I call the “Only One Love Syndrome” which permeates our society. The idea that you can only love one person. As if you have some limited amount of the emotion called love and it can only be bestowed upon one person and once you’ve bestowed it upon that person you run out.

You feel like you might become physically addicted.

Good news. There is no such thing as addiction.

Let me write that again because virtually everybody reading this just pissed themselves. Addiction is one of the great religions of the modern times. It’s a social constructs that no one is allowed to question because so many people make so much money from addiction.

There is no such thing as addiction.

Read the book Addiction Is A Choice by Jeffrey A. Schaler PhD and he will explain it to you.

In conclusion:  How do you mentally prepare yourself to just go out and have sex with strangers?

Finding A Sex Partner in Fort Collins

You don’t prepare yourself to go out and have sex with strangers. You prepare yourself to go out and meet people that you would like to have sex with. You don’t take it too seriously. You have fun with the process. You behave responsibly. You don’t have sex with strangers. You have sex with people you know, trust and like. Once the hall pass has been punched it can’t be unpunched. Make sure it’s worth it.

She Says: The Best LAID Plans Are Not Planned

laid

Dear Married with Misgivings,

You’ve got a golden ticket, a rare opportunity, a hall pass. A round trip ticket to Singles Land and back again. Your wildly generous and understanding husband is giving you a window of opportunity to relive the single life for three months time. You want to know how to mentally prepare yourself to go out and have sex with strangers? The answer is, you don’t. This is something that you are going to do and have made your mind up to go do already. Otherwise, this “hall pass” of yours wouldn’t exist in the first place. I would love to know how the “hall pass” came to be; if it was a condition of his leaving and whose idea was it in the first place. But, I don’t know these things. Before I give you advice on going out and having sex with strangers, I want to first give you some marriage advice. I know you didn’t ask for marriage advice but I am going to give it to you anyway. Deal with it.

Let me make one thing clear to you, this hall pass is going to change your marriage. Have we forgotten what it means to be married? Marriage is a commitment between two people to be in an exclusive relationship with each other until death or the divorce papers are signed. The concept of an open marriage doesn’t make sense to me. Why get married in the first place? Is it because you know at the end of the day if your recent sex-capade didn’t work out, you will at least have someone to come home to? If you are not getting what you need from one another then this is the time where you work on things together to figure it out. The easy way out is to go seek what you need somewhere else.

You are saying that you can’t go without sex for three months? I hate to break it to you, but three months is not a long time. Haven’t you been to Dr. Johns lately? Or, better yet, to a Passion Party? You know what I am talking about, ladies, where a representative brings sex toys to the comfort of your own home and demonstrates the many wonderful uses of said toys. Sex toys are the wave of the future! My first piece of advice is to invest in one of those babies, cost be damned. You can thank me later.

 sex toy

Sex toys aside, I do know what you mean when you say you need a lot of attention. I do too, and I crave human companionship and closeness. You will be starved from that closeness for three months. You sound like an emotional person and very well may get emotionally attached to whatever strange man (or woman) you chose to sleep with. I can almost guarantee that you will get addicted to the freedom.  And, why shouldn’t you? You are going to get away with something that breaks up most marriages. Are you ready for the emotional instability that this fleeting three months is going to bring you? My guess is no, and if you really think you are, well, you’re not. What you need is emotional attention, not physical attention. For some reason you have confused the two. You will not find fulfillment in going out and having sex with strangers. All it will be is a physical escape, not an emotional one. But, you are going to do this anyway so I might as well point you in the right direction.

ashamed

Let me make one thing clear: it is easy for a woman to go out and have casual sex. Men will have sex with you! You don’ t really have to put much effort into this!

And now, it’s time for…

Robyn’s Guide to Going Out and Getting Laid

Step One: Don’t just use the ‘seek and destroy’ method. Like the wild zebra quietly grazing in the grasslands of Africa being stalked by the noble lioness, a man KNOWS when a woman is out for the hunt. He can sense it. The key is not to be aggressive, but to act casual. Men like the challenge, intrigue and mystery of a woman. The most important thing is to reek of confidence. If you give an air of confidence, they will come to you. Don’t plan an encounter, just let it happen.

Step Two: Dress to impress. Two words, flashy earrings. Think of them as fishing lures. Wear a hot outfit too. NOT slutty, hot. Play with your earrings often and flash a smile around the room. I have had more guys approach me this way than I can count.

Step Three: Don’t got to Tony’s. Or any place in this town that is questionable. You don’t want sleaze, just sex.

Step Four: Double bag it. Please be safe. The last thing your marriage needs is addition of an STD or an illegitimate child.

Step Five: Emotionally disconnect. Whoever this person is that you will be sleeping with, there will be some form of attraction. Make sure it is only physical. How do you do that? Don’t dig too deep into this person’s life, keep your relationship shallow and, above all things, make sure they know you just want sex. Don’t share too much of yourself, be guarded and keep reminding yourself it is only about sex. NOTHING MORE.

When your husband gets back from his time away, you wont be able to go back to how things were. As long as you are aware of that, and HE is aware of that then go forth and fulfill your hall pass. When you are ready to work on your marriage again, write back to us.

What did you think of Robyn’s advice? Comment below, and then check back on Friday for Skippy’s advice!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Question of the Week: My Husband Gave Me a Hall Pass

wannahavesex

Dear Robyn and Skippy,

My husband is leaving town for the summer for business and has given me a “hall pass.” He will be out of the country for three months. He knows that I don’t do well with long distance relationships and I need a lot of attention. We have been married for 8 years and we are comfortable enough in our relationship to have this agreement.

The problem is, I don’t even know where to begin. I am having some misgivings about going out there again and facing the “meat market.” I am also afraid that this may change me into wanting this kind of freedom all the time. Not only am I afraid of emotional attachment, but I feel like I might become physically addicted. How do I mentally prepare myself and just go out and have sex with strangers?

Thanks,

Married with Misgivings

What advice would you give to Married with Misgivings?  Comment below and check back on Wednesday for Robyn’s advice and Friday for Skippy’s!

Wisdom: 18 Birth Control Methods That Don’t Work (Regardless of what you read on the interwebz.)

Next up in Robyn and Skippy’s Week of Wisdom we dispel some myths about birth control. Thanks to the interwebz and a general lack of quality control regarding what goes viral on the Book of Faces some of you are a bit misinformed about birth control. We are here to give you the straight scoop. ‘Cause we are the Scoop Blog Network. Duh.

1. Jumping up and down after sex.

Skippy: It’s even less effective if the boy tries jumping up and down. If the girl does the jumping it might be possible to shake everything down and out. Not very likely though.

Robyn: Down and out? More likely just stimulate the cells and make those little guys swim faster!

2. Girl on top.

Skippy: Sperm can swim uphill. ineffective but fun.

Robyn: What? But isn’t that just gravity? Well, shoot, everything I knew about science is a lie.

Girl on Top in Fort Collins

3. Pulling out.

Robyn: Yeah fellas, some of your boys already sneak past long before you ejaculate fully. Might as well just finish the job. Less mess that way too.

Skippy: I know it always works in the p0rn movies, but p0rn movies aren’t real. I’ve conducted research on this.

4. A plastic coat hanger.

Skippy: You need a metal hanger which you can bend into the right shape. The average plastic coat hanger is the wrong shape. Not to mention lacks the required friction.

Robyn: Oh, Skippy.

5. The Morning After The Morning After Pill (aka a shot of espresso and a shot of whiskey two day’s later)

Robyn: You could try two shots of whiskey, but I am pretty sure that won’t work either.

Skippy: If you missed Plan B you’re screwed. Actually you were screwed. That’s why you need Plan B. Plan C is only a myth. There is no Plan C.

6. The girl doesn’t cum.

Skippy: No it’s true. The girls orgasm really doesn’t matter. At all. It really is all about the boys.

Robyn: It also doesn’t count as cheating if she doesn’t orgasm with her lover, right? Besides, the female orgasm is just a myth. NOT.

7. The wrong rhythm method.

Skippy: The right rhythm method is somewhat effective certainly. But if you don’t understand what the rhythm method is . . .

Robyn: The wrong rhythm while having sex will still get you pregnant. Put on some better music and get the right rhythm down…while wearing a condom of course.

The Rhythm Method in Fort Collins

8. Sex with other women.

Skippy: Granted having sex with your girlfriend’s sister will keep your girlfriend from getting pregnant. Problem is that this method is totally ineffective at keeping your girlfriend’s sister from getting pregnant.

Robyn: Unless you use the right rhythm method.

9. Praying, purity rings, magic underwear, voodoo spells and the blood of chickens.

Skippy: No matter what religion you subscribe to God or Gods or Demons can’t help you out on this one. You might be able to pray away the gay but you can’t pray away the baby.

Robyn: You can’t pray for your virginity back either, sorry to burst any bubbles.

10. Circumcision.

Skippy: Circumcision fans believe cutting the tip off cocks prevents HIV and cancer. I’m surprised they haven’t attributed birch control to the other miracles arising from cock cutting. Arising. Get it?

Robyn: All I have to say is that people need to be more informed on circumcision period.

11. A pierced penis. (aka The Detour, Road Block Method, The Load Block, The Alternative Route)

Robyn: Just because there is a bar going through the hole doesn’t mean it blocks anything from coming out. It is not a load blocker.

Skippy: There is an alternative route that does prevent pregnancy but this isn’t it. You have to take the back road to get there.

12. Putting a bag over her head. Or a bag over your head. Or a bag over both of your heads.

Robyn: Uh, I think this just helps with the orgasm process or “getting there.”

Skippy: What you can’t see can still hurt you.

13. Riding a roller coaster after sex.

Robyn: Thrills, chills and yep, still pregnant.

Skippy: Going up and down after sex isn’t going to fix the consequences of going up and down during sex.

14. Exorcism

Skippy: “The power of Christ compels you!” It won’t work. Despite thinking it should. Foetuses are just like demons. They take up residence in your body, control your actions and make you really bitchy. The two main differences are that demons make you vomit pea soup while foetuses make you eat ice cream and pickles. The other is that demons eventually kill you while foetuses ship you off to a nursing home and forget about you.

Robyn: Actually, foetuses make you vomit too so…

15. Sex in the centre of the Oval at midnight.

Skippy: We all know the Oval has magic properties. Counteracting fertilisation is not one of them.

Robyn: Don’t ever have sex somewhere that sort of rhymes with Ovul-ation.

16. Urinating after sex.

Skippy: Yes, you are cleaning out the tube. But it’s the wrong tube.

Robyn: Just because urine is sterile, doesn’t mean it sterilizes anything.

17. Coffee filter and rubber band.

Skippy: Saran Wrap will work in a pinch but coffee filters just don’t make the cut.

Robyn: Filtering sperm looks good on paper, but in reality doesn’t work.

18: Vacuum Cleaner Attachments

Robyn: I don’t care how good the suction is on your vacuum, this is not going to work.

Skippy: Shop-Vacs are for the garage. Power tools are for the bedroom.

Birth Control on Google in Fort Collins

Don’t believe everything you read on the interwebz.  Unless you read it on Ask Us Fort Collins.  Then you know it’s gotta be true.

Or is it?

Question of The Week: To Cut or Not To Cut

His Body Her Choice in Fort Collins

Dear Robyn and Skippy,

My husband and I are about to have our first child (YAY!). Initially we had planned to have him circumcised; our reasoning being that even though there’s no medical reason for it, we didn’t want him to have to face possible cruelty from others later in his life. We want him to be proud and comfortable with his body, and girls and boys are mean about body parts that look different.

We asked our midwife about it and she told us that Medicaid won’t cover it, and that the out of pocket expense would be upwards of five hundred dollars, which we can’t afford. On top of which, she said that 60% of baby’s in the US are currently not circumcised , meaning that a majority of parents are no longer opting for it. Attitudes apparently are changing. Of the three midwives in the room, the two who have sons didn’t do circumcision.

Even though I know it’s not necessary, I still can’t shake my social norms about this and the concern for my son. My husband is on board with the midwives. His argument is that all penises look weird, circumcised or not.

Should I stick with the social norms I’m used to or are my husband and the midwives right?

Circumcision Indecision

What do you think about the practice of circumcision?  Post your comments below and let us know.

Check back on Wednesday for Robyn’s response and on Friday for Skippy’s response.

He Says: It’s Not As Baffling As You Think

I Love You Balls Deep in Fort Collins

Dear Baffled by Boyfriend;

You are making this harder than it needs to be. Get it? Harder?

But seriously. You can’t seem to stay away from each other. Except for those times when you break up. Then you can’t seem to stay together.

In order to figure out what’s going on here you’re gonna need to answer some questions. You need your answers and you need his answers to these questions. That means you have to talk about this stuff. You know why relationships fail? I do. It’s because people don’t want to talk about things such as “where do you want this relationship to go” because they are scared of ruining what they have now. And that’s how you get stuck in the now.

Sound familiar?

Thus you spend time with someone who isn’t compatible with your long term goals. When instead you should be actively looking for someone who is compatible with your goals. Those goals might be marriage and kids, or it might be a series of one night stands until you are 40 years old and living with 17 cats, or anything in between.

There are two ways to approach life.

You can take what comes or you can make what comes. Taking what comes is the path most people choose. It’s easy and requires little thinking. Making what comes requires you to set a direction. It also requires being honest with yourself and others about where you want to go with your life.

People who take what comes have the attitude of “I’m going to cling to this relationship because something better may never come along.”

People who make what comes have the attitude of “This person and I don’t have the same end destination in mind. It would be better for both of us to end this relationship so we can each find someone who is perfect for us sooner rather than later.”

You may be clinging. Out of insecurity and out of ignorance of what you want your future to look like. He may be clinging as well.

It’s also possible this guy is simply keeping you around for sex between his other adventures. Or he may simply be young and stupid.

I was once young and stupid. Still am depending on who you ask. I dated a woman for over a year who’s goal was to get married and make babies. I don’t want babies. Finally she broke up with me as she was the one smart enough to realize we were wasting our time with each other. Looking back at the situation I appreciate her having the balls to do what I didn’t have the balls to do. And I learned from it.

I understand why you don’t want to ask him if he loves you or only loves the sex. You’ve got something good going in the moment and you don’t want to ruin it. Moments are good things. Life is made up of moments.

But if you only live in the moment your forward momentum is going to suffer. Sometimes you have to sacrifice in the moment for the long term greater goals. Ruining what you have right now may be exactly what you have to do in order to have what you want in the future.

Here are the questions for you to ask yourself and him.

Question one. Why do the two of you keep breaking up?

Evidently something is lacking somewhere in the relationship. If everything were unicorns and rainbows there wouldn’t be any breaking up going on.

What Does Really Well Really Mean in Fort Collins

You claim that you “feel like we may finally be on the right path”, “seem to be on the same page with everything” and “things are really going well”. None of those statements actually mean anything. There are no specifics or details in them.

Make a list of 15 things you believe the two of you are on the same page with and show it to him. Ask if he agrees. If he does, great. If he doesn’t, re-evaluate.

Question two. What are each of you looking for?

Do you want an on/off relationship? Long term open relationship? Long term monogamous relationship? Open marriage? Closed marriage? Babies? No babies? If you two don’t have the same destination in mind you’re gonna need to stop carpooling together.

You don’t always get what you want but if you don’t know what you want then you aren’t going to recognize it when it arrives. Of course there is something to be said for not knowing what you want and being open to discovery. Good things can happen that way. But if you haven’t discovered something solid with him over these eight years I suspect you aren’t going to discover it any time soon.

It may be time to choose where you’d like to arrive.

Once you have decided what you want you are going to have to find out what he wants and how he feels about you. His feelings and desires may coincide with yours or they may not.

Question three. Why do the two of you keep getting back together?

Is it because you really are in love and want to spend your lives together? Is it because neither of you can be bothered to talk to anyone else and thus never meet potential new partners? Is it something else?

Eight Years is a Big Issue in Fort Collins

Now I’ll actually answer your questions.

What should you do? Once informed by the answers both of you have to these questions you can make an informed decision about where you stand and what you should do. Ask yourself the questions. Ask him the questions.  Take action based on the answers.

How can you talk to him without making it a big issue? You can’t. You’ve devoted eight years of your life to this person. It is a big issue. It’s a critical issue.  Treat it as such.

She Says: Sex Now, Love Later

nakedlove

Dear Baffled by Boyfriend,

Eight years is a long time to be with someone who is reluctant to tell you he loves you. This kind of question makes me thankful that you will also get a perspective from the male point of view on Friday when Skippy writes his post. I haven’t quite figured out how the male mind works, if I had then I would probably write a book and make a lot of money. All I can do is speculate and analyze and guess and contemplate.

I question this lack of commitment that you both seem to fall into. The ups and downs of your relationship concerns me. I understand the magnet factor, how you can’t seem to stay away from each other. My husband and I experienced the very same thing at the beginning of our relationship. In fact, we had a really bad break up where I vowed never to speak to him again. I had gone back to too many of my ex boyfriends that I had learned my lesson that history usually repeats itself. But, we couldn’t stay away from each other. It’s six years later and I couldn’t love him more. I don’t want you to think that just because my husband and I beat the odds, that you will too. I went against what I believed and wound up marrying a wonderful man. We both just had a bit more to learn about ourselves before we could truly be with each other.

I am of the belief that there are several different kinds of love. You love your parents differently from how you love your best friend or your boyfriend or your cousin, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, neighbor… Not only are there different kinds of love, but people tend to speak in different love languages.

sarcasm

 

Here are some examples of the different ways people know how to express love.

The Passion of Love: This is the kind of love that is fast and furious. Fueled by sex and driven by the chemistry that fills our basic needs for human closeness. This kind of love usually evokes that giddy feeling and is the cause of many a butterfly fluttering in your stomach. You can’t wait to see that person again, hold them, feel them. You are in a physical state of love and usually this happens at the beginning of a relationship when everything is new and exciting. You have yet to really dig down and see the truth about the person you are with. In other words, you have yet to find out who they really are and what they are all about.

The Gift of Love: This is the kind of love that is shown through giving gifts, presents, trinkets, anything that can be purchased. Sometimes people don’t know how to express their love in words or physical touch and chose to express their affection through tokens. Usually this is a result of a certain kind of upbringing, but that is another subject for another day.

The Affirmation of Love: This is the person who can’t stop saying that they love you, over and over again every day with words and praises. Usually they need to hear praise back in order to feel loved. They will shower you with words until they may not even hold meaning for you anymore, unless you speak the same love language. The opposite end of that is someone who doesn’t need to hear it, who feels like it holds more meaning to say “I love you” every once in a while at the right moment.

These three examples are very superficial and are usually found in some sort of combination in relationships. The only way that you know that you really and truly love someone is if you can love them as much on their very best day as you can on their very worst day.  Ask yourself if you and your boyfriend have seen each other at your very best and very worst and if there was still love between you. If you have not, then I doubt you are in love. I don’t know why you keep breaking up, but it sounds like when things get rough one of you bails out.

I think that you are stuck in the “passion of love” phase and what you and your boyfriend are experiencing is a love of the physical relationship that you have. It makes sense because you keep going back to each other again and again. You have never quite reached another phase of love or at least, you didn’t mention anything else. He is telling you he loves you only during sex because that is what he loves about the two of you together. I am sure that he likes aspects of your personality, hair color, and so on and so forth. The thing that he loves the most is the sex. This is not a realized true love.

My advice is to stay with him as long as you are aware that you will never have a deeper love with this guy. Enjoy the sex! When you are ready for something more, don’t waste your time and move on. The love you are looking for is out there, just be patient and it will come (not cum!)

sexgood

Check back on Friday for Skippy’s post. Do you have any advice for Baffled by Boyfriend? Comment below!

Question Of The Week: Does My Boyfriend Really Love Me?

lovegenitals

Dear Robyn and Skippy,

My boyfriend and I have been dating off and on for the past 8 years. We can’t seem to stay away from each other and every time we break up, we usually wind up right back where we started. Right now I feel more connected to him than I ever have and I feel like we may finally be on the right path. We seem to be on the same page with everything and things are really going well. My problem is this; he only tells me that he loves me when we are having sex. I am starting to wonder if all he loves about me is the sex. I am afraid to ask him because I don’t want to ruin what we have. Right now things are going so well! What should I do? How can I talk to him without making it a big issue?

Thanks,

Baffled by Boyfriend

Check back on Wednesday for Robyn’s advice and Friday for Skippy’s. What advice would you give to Baffled by Boyfriend? Comment below!