Archive | Sex RSS feed for this section

He Says: Yup. Men.

Damn them all.

She's A Princess.

She’s A Princess.

Robyn is right that co-habitation is difficult. Sure it’s got advantages. Many of them. Showering is way more better when you have someone to “wash your back” for you. And cooking is more fun when you’ve got someone to help eat the results. On the down side there are twice as many dishes to wash. There is always that balance to the universe.

I think even married people should have their own individual bedrooms. Podcaster and radio host Michael W. Dean and his wife D.J. have separate bedrooms and it works well for them.

Anyhowz – I’ll get on with responding to Robyn’s observations about men.

Men complain that women are “too complicated.”.

I would agree there is something wrong with those men. They are not understanding what’s really going on. Women are not complicated. Women are chaotic.

Women would like to think they are logic driven and consistent. Men would like to think this as well. Men can deal with logic driven, consistent, A results in B type systems.

Women don’t work that way. Women are emotion driven and completely internally inconsistent. This is why women can say they care about the environment while at the same time doing more environmental destruction than any other animal on Earth.

Woman’s inability to be logical and consistent isn’t a bad thing. Or an evil thing. Or a wrong thing. It’s simply how they are. Men who do not understand this and adapt to it are screwed. Having a negative attitude towards women for them being chaotic is like having a negative attitude towards fire for being hot. If you burn yourself it’s because you put your hand in the flame. Not because the flame is broken.

Men live in a perpetual state of “little boy”.

You can think feminism for this one. It has nothing to do with video games.

Feminism has escalated to the point where talking to women is harassment and looking at them for too long is rape. Men are going to check out under those conditions.

Men have no idea how to respond to all of this. Men know that women expect men to make the first move. And the second. And the third. Yet men also don’t know which women are feminists and will scream harassment if spoken to. Or looked at.

Normal women (they do exist) will argue that “not all women are like that” and I agree. The problem from the male perspective is that we don’t know just by looking at women which ones are normal and which ones are feminists.

I suggest wearing buttons that say “I am not a feminist”.

Additionally men think feminists are present in greater numbers than they really are. Feminist are working hard via the media (both main stream and social) to spread their hatred and desire for everyone to be unhappy. Normal women are enjoying life. Doing fun things with their friends. Essential not being hate motivated overly jealous attention whores. Since men only see the feminists on the TV, the interwebz, the Twittervers, the TED talks, the college campuses it’s natural to conclude that normal women are few and far between.

Knowing that having sex with a girl can lead to her getting pregnant and taking everything you have in form of child support or that marrying a girl can lead to her getting a divorce and taking everything you have isn’t exactly going to encourage men to buy a ticket to ride the woman train.

So you’ve got all these men who think most women want to fuck them over (not fuck them) and think women are complicated how will these men respond?

By living as a perpetual “little boy” as Robyn says. Or to put it another way, men will respond by not doing what women want them to do.

Comic books and video games make sense. They are predictable. They are rewarding.

I can tell you that dating girls is seldom rewarding. I don’t even mean sex. I mean just finding a girl who can put down the cell phone and form sentences is a challenge. Most of the women I’ve dated over the last years have been so dumb I wouldn’t let them suck my cock for fear my IQ would go down and I’d get a disease.

Men look around them and see fat, tattooed, pierced, short haired, foul mouthed, debt ridden, makeup covered, cell phone addicted, pot smoking, instagram selfie posting attention whore (or actual “pay me for money” whore) women. Who have liberal arts degrees in feminist studies. And are single mothers. Those men then chose to play video games and read comics instead of dating, fucking and marrying those women. Yes. Because men are not as stupid as you think they are.

Men have a “grass is always greener complex”.

Hypergamy.

Men think women want “porn sex”.

Melissa King.

This girl had a crown on her head. She was treated like a princess. She let a man fuck her in a hotel room for $1500 while another man filmed it. Now she is an instagram whore.

You do the math.

Speaking of math you many have noticed my post was late. Deal with it. ‘Cause things is changing. Robyn and I are shutting down house here at Ask Us and moving on to something completely different. A man with three buttocks.

Or not.

But we are moving on. Watch this space for information about our future and some repeats of our favourite posts from the past. In about six weeks we will return to the interwebz like a phoenix from the flames.

Robyn Rants: Men

asshole

Men. Can’t live with em…

Can’t kill ‘em… I mean… live without ‘em.

I think that one of natures cruelest jokes is that we are put on this Earth to not only procreate with the opposite sex, but co-habitate with them as well. I mean, how can one species be so different from one another? OK so we don’t have to co-habitate with one another. I used to think that my life would be a lot easier if I were a lesbian, but then again, there is a whole new set of problems with that scenario. Besides, I like penis too much.

This rant is for all the nice girls out there that finish last.

We are constantly hearing about nice guys finishing last and how they get pushed aside for the assholes etc etc… But what about the nice girls? Nice girls also finish last. I know because I was one and I got pushed aside for some crazy ass bitches. It made me harden my heart and become kind of bitchy myself. Now I have a wonderful husband who is a nice guy. Was I a bitch to get him? No. But he left me for a bitch and then realized his mistake. I swore I wouldn’t take him back but I am glad I did.

Before I start really ranting, I want to make it clear that not all men are like this. These are observations not only from me, but other women who I asked what their complaints were when it came to the opposite sex. I love the men in my life, and all the shithead ones I’ve kicked out. In fact, I have more guy friends than girl friends.

This just needs to be said. For women’s sake.

dickhard

Men complain that women are “too complicated.”

Like that’s a bad thing? What do you want us to be? Simpletons? Let me tell you something, we actually make it pretty darned easy for you. What’s wrong with paying for dinner for us? Buying us flowers once in a while? Making us feel special? I am telling you, you men will get a hell of a lot more blow jobs if you treat us well. I think you just pretend that women are complicated because you are lazy.

 forget-blow-jobs-flowers-valentines-day-ecard-someecards

Men live in a perpetual state of “little boy”

I think video games are to blame here. Put down the damn controller, stop the one-upmanship with your friends and read a book for fuck sake. You remember books? What? NO, NOT COMIC BOOKS, BOOKS!! With chapters and words and characters and story. I am so sick of listening to guys talk about comic books and video games. Can we talk about something else? Can we just go into the bedroom and have sex instead? Thank you.

Men have a “grass is always greener complex”

Or the “I want” complex. Men are never satisfied with what they have. They are constantly wanting an upgrade on, well, everything. This is the process:

I want the thing.

I am going to get the thing.

I got the thing.

I want the better thing.

Repeat.

They also do this with people, especially girls. Let me tell you that the “thing” is not necessarily “better,” it’s just different. Why can’t you just work with what you have? Sometimes you get to where you think the grass is actually greener and there is dog poop all over the lawn. Then you want to go back to what you had, but it is not that easy. Then you get angry that it is not that easy and so on and so forth. It is a vicious cycle that you never seem to learn.

bullshit

Men think women want “porn sex”

And by porn sex I mean the ball slapping hard sex that exists in every porn. OK, we do want that once in a while, but most of the time you need to be nice to our lady bits. We don’t want a pounding, we want to be lured into it, lubricated with our own wetness and then we can talk about getting freaky. Fellas, our pussies go through a lot. Take care of us and we will take care of you…or beware of too much teeth. You know what I mean.

My last bit of advice:

Guys, if you are having a problem with a woman in your life, I want you to do something really difficult… TALK TO HER.  Did I say difficult? Oh yeah, because that is another thing that men lack, sharing their feelings. They say the truth hurts, but at least the truth gets out there. No leading us on, no fucking around, just talk about shit. It’s not that difficult. Do everyone a favor and don’t lead us on or hide behind a mask that when we pull off later reveals the true asshole. Ladies, you too, be real with each other.

Go into a relationship with your eyes wide open, not half shut.

The last word:

I love men and I hope all the men who read this don’t take too much offense. I hope that you can see what, from a female perspective, bothers us the most.

This is my last post on Ask Us Fort Collins. I hope my knowledge and insight on life has helped at least one person, because that is what I set out to do. Take care of yourself, Fort Collins. Thank you for reading.

Tune in for what Skippy has to say to my post tomorrow.

 

She Says: Find your Kink

christian grey

Dear Not Krazy About Kinky,

Woman to woman I need to level with you. You. Have. To. Tell. Him. You are still a virgin and you expect to go in without mentioning this to someone who practically has a doctorate in sex? You are out of your mind if you think that it will be a good experience for you if you just go along “ho hum-ing” thing whole thing. I made that same mistake. Not that the guy I lost my virginity to was into kinky sex, but he was older and more experienced and I felt like I shouldn’t tell him. I thought it would scare him. I thought he would never do it with me if he knew. That seems like a lot of responsibility, taking someones virginity, and I thought he would just see me as a silly nineteen year old. Honestly I should never have been with him in the first place.

Was my first time awkward? Oh yeah. It was ridiculous. Painful. Not sexy. I left with this sense of unfulfilled expectations and it was totally my fault. I wish I had told him. I wish I had been weaned into the experience. Not that it was ALL bad, just not what I expected. Kind of like going to Prom, you always imagine it being this spectacular thing and in the end it is just crepe paper hung in the gym, bad music and even worse dancing.

virginity

You ask how you should tell him that you are a virgin? The answer is you just tell him, as soon as possible. Don’t make a big deal out of it, just be frank.

Now as far as kinky-ness goes, I think you need to do a little self exploring before you enter his world of kink. No one knows your body better than you do so the more exploring you do, the more you will know what you like.

Do you think you will like being whipped or chained up? Will you delight in being spanked and having your hair pulled? OR will he take things too far?

That’s just it. Things can go a bit too far once in the bedroom. You need to make sure that this guy you are seeing is not a controlling, masochistic asshole. It is very easy to become dazzled by fancy cars, dinners and gifts, when really you are just dating the devil in disguise. I am not saying that he is, but I am saying that you had better be careful. Do not put yourself in a dangerous situation. Do not get hurt. Do not let him go too far. You have the right to say no and terminate things at any time.

ythehell

Now back to finding your kink.

I suggest you start watching some racy videos (AKA Porn). See what turns you on there. Then I suggest you buy yourself some toys. Don’t be afraid to splurge here. The higher the quality, the more fun you are going to have. You want something soft and flesh-like, not those hard, novelty vibrators that don’t really do much.  They are the cheapest and cheap for a reason.

I don’t want you to think that you are about to lose your virginity to a toy, because that is not the case. Stupidly, I used to think that way before I new better. You will thank me for the exploration you are about to do. You will also get to know yourself and help him figure out how to get you “there.”  Women have a horrible history of ignoring their own bodies while men are practically expected to play with themselves as is the “social norm.” It sickens me. We have every right to figure out our bodies and not be sexually repressed in this patriarchal society.

One last thing, if and when you do decide to go all the way with this guy you are seeing, please use the restroom after you have sex. No one told me this. No one told my best friend this. Women need to cleanse the “pipes” after sex. Bacteria gets pushed up there and you will instantly get a UTI. Trust me. I just saved you days of pain. Some doctors call it “honeymoon syndrome” because women would come back from their honeymoons with urinary infections all the time. We know better, and now, you know better.

My last words of wisdom are to just be safe and communicate with your boyfriend. You will find more pleasure with him if you first find pleasure with yourself. Trust me.

The fine print: This week was April Fools week so this question is based on a popular novel. Can you guess which one? Check out last years April Fools Question right here!

He Says: Everyone’s A Little Bit Krazy

bondage in fort collins - best decision ever

Dear Not Krazy About Kinky;

You need to chose now. Do you want to spend the rest of your life living a shallow comfortable life? Do you want you social life to revolve around posting selfies of yourself in front of disaster areas where people were injured and possibly killed? Do you want to never work again because you are getting 50% of your ex-husbands income? Or do you want to die alone with 37 cats?

You have a great chance here to secure your future. Go with the flow long enough to get married, get divorced and get half of everything this rich pretty boy has got.

You’re a virgin. He’s into kinky sex. Perfect. All you have to do is let him ass fuck you and you’ll still be a virgin. I don’t know the reason you are still a virgin but this method works. There are multitudes of Purity Ring wearing Christian girls wanting to be virgins when they get married who can attest to you that giving a blow job while another man fucks you in the ass is not “sex” and you are still a virgin.

Anal sex, blow jobs, hand jobs, dildos and vibratos, fucking other women. You can do all those things and still be a virgin so long as no cock goes inside your cunt.

bondage - there is an app for that in fort collins

Even if you have had cock in your cunt you can still be a virgin. You can become a Born Again Virgin for only $29.95 with free shipping to any place in the world. It’s easy to do and he will never know the difference. Boys are all dumb anyhow. All they do is math, science and engineering. They don’t know anything about nail polish or Sex In The City or who Taylor Swift is dating this week.

Of course you don’t actually have to have sex with him to get half of everything he owns. As you said he is rich, has a nice car, owns his house and he’s sexy as hell. I’m sure you are the only woman alive he is sexually interested in. We all know that powerful rich men like Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby, Tiger Woods and so forth only have sex with one woman. Ever. In their whole lives.

Rich powerful sexy men never have sex with multiple women. The fact that he has selected you out of the 3.5 billion women on Earth tells me that you are worthy of such a man and you probably don’t need to concern yourself with actually putting out. I’m sure he can be convinced to wait until after the marriage for sex. They you need only have a headache every night until you enlist the services of a divorce lawyer.

Don’t worry about him getting impatient. Take a look at your Instagram feed to remind yourself of what a great catch you are. Selfie after selfie after selfie of you making duck lips while dressed liked a whore. What man could turn down a sophisticated woman of the world such as yourself? You have nothing to worry about.

wonder woman is not impressed with your skills in fort collins

Your best option is to keep stringing him along. Most likely he isn’t really interested in sex anyhow. He’s probably just a beta male who wants to be your BFF. All this talk is just a cover for how insecure he is about his sexuality. He is probably terrified of a strong independent woman like you. That’s why he is hiding behind all those sex toys and handcuffs.

Most likely he can’t even get it up you intimidate him so much.

Don’t stress your pretty little head over all this. Keep seeing this guy and get him to spend more money on you. Everyone knows you are the centre of the universe. Everyone except him that is. Once he understands you are all that you’ll need never worry about him wanting sex again as he will realize just how far out of his league you are.

Question Of The Week: Should I get Kinky?

kinky-quotes

Dear Robyn and Skippy,

I have started seeing this amazing guy! He is rich, drives a nice car, buys me stuff, he is sexy as hell, AND owns his own house.  The problem is, he is into kinky sex. I mean, we are talking whips, chains, handcuffs, toys… you name it! He has his own room dedicated to sex and, here’s the kicker, I am still a virgin and he doesn’t know that. I think I could get into all the kinky stuff, but I am not sure. How do I get into all the kinky stuff? How do I tell him I’m a virgin? I want to keep seeing him and that will mean having sex soon. I feel like he is already growing impatient. I need to figure this out fast!

Thanks,

Not Krazy About Kinky

Do you have any advice for Not Krazy About Kinky? Tune in Wednesday to see what Skippy has to say and Friday for Robyn’s advice.

He Says: Have I Mentioned You Can’t Change Other People?

tell me how i will change my mind about wanting kids in fort collins

Dear Troubled With Trying;

You are both stupid.

That’s the answer. Now I have to pad this out to 800 words.

What should you do? You should stop expecting other people to change so that you can be happy.

If you want children why did you marry a man who doesn’t want children? Because you thought he was going to change in order to make you happy. That’s why.

Everything you wrote tells me that he wasn’t enthusiastic about having children and only reluctantly agreed to have one child with you. Yet you, knowing you want children (plural), married him anyway.

What the fuck is wrong with both of you?

I can tell you what the fuck is wrong with both of you. And I will. Get your big girl panties on. Both of you.

how long does it take for twins to be born in fort collins

What’s Wrong With You

You think other people are going to change. You though you could marry a man and then transform him into the man you really wanted to marry. You live in the Fifty Shades Of I Can Change Other People To Make Me Happy Fantasy World.

Why didn’t you marry the man you wanted to marry? Why didn’t you marry someone who wants children? Because you have a very limited choice in men. Here’s why.

1. You aren’t much of a catch.

I know nothing about you yet I can make some predictions most of which will be true.

  1. You have a liberal arts degree.
  2. You have a large amount of credit card and education loan debt.
  3. You work a dead end job.
  4. You have a rescue dog.
  5. You are fat. Not “curvy”. Fat.
  6. You enjoy being a victim.

You are playing the victim card right now. You are a victim of this terrible man who married you and now will not have children with you. You knew he didn’t want kids. You agreed to marry him knowing this. But none of this is your fault is it? You are a victim and you want Robyn and I to give you advice on how to change him.

Men are not going to fall over themselves to marry a woman like you. Thus you took what you could get.

2. Men are checking out.

Men are checking out of marriage and checking out of having children. Many men are waking up to the fact that getting married and having children offers them nothing at all and will destroy their lives. After 8 years their wife will become bored with them, get a divorce, and take the children and half of everything they own.

child support spent on boots in fort collins

The next 18 years of their lives will amount to making child support and alimony payments to a woman who spends the child support money on clothing.

3. The men who aren’t checking out aren’t much of a catch either.

The men who do want children have no idea how to go about being a good father.

What’s Wrong With Him

He married a woman who wants children. Not maybe-sorta-kinda wants children. A woman who expressly, openly, repeatedly told him “I want children.” That’s one thing you did right. Your desire for children was not a secret. He knew this.

Yet he kept dating you, asked you to marry him (I’m sure he had to ask you, it didn’t go the other way did it) and then actually married you.

Why did he do this? Because he knows he has no other choice. You were the only woman who would give him the time of day and he was so desperate for female attention and companionship that he lied to you to get it.

This is a man with no integrity and no standards.

How Does This Play Out?

zero kids in fort collins

You are both living in the hell you created. Either there will be children or there will not. Either way one of you loses. And the loser will make the other miserable. Thus you both lose.

Most likely you will start having sex with other men and get pregnant.

Then the divorce will come and he will spend the rest of his life paying for another man’s child.

You will become a promiscuous man hater.

He will become a video game playing woman hater.

The child will grow up in a single parent home which is the most destructive thing that can happen to a child.

Congradulations. Both of you are fucktards.

What Should You Do?

Divorce him now before you get pregnant. You both made a huge mistake because both of you are stupid. Find a man who wants children and start over. Having or not having children is the biggest decision you will ever make in your life and it will deeply affect the life of the person you marry as well. You can marry a person who disagrees with you about many things but this is not one of them.

Skippy Responds: The Dreamer’s Dream

fifty shades of grey crybaby matinee in fort collins

Robyn’s a bigger man than I am. She watched the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. I don’t think I have the constitution for that. I’d sooner poke my eyes out with a burning stick.

Robyn says the movie isn’t about rape. I was going to write in a sarcastic way about how this movie is about rape culture with references to feminists who claim all sex is rape and that if a man looks at a woman that is rape. But you can read extensive feminist rantings on the interwebz about the rape culture promoted by Fifty Shades.

Is Fifty Shades of Grey about rape? Depends on what you consider rape.

Fifty Shades of Grey rapes the English language and the concept of plot development so far as I can tell.

In my research, which like what you call research, consists of typing something into Google and believe whatever comes up first, I found much criticism of the plot and dialogue. No one is praising the writing or production values.

Fifty Shades of Grey rapes political boundaries.

The left-wing statists hate it for promoting rape culture. The right-wing statists hate it for promoting deviate sexual behaviour. It’s got something for everyone.

Fifty Shades of Grey rapes the notion that women are strong and independent.

“Strong and independent” is the new feminist buzz phrase. It really means nothing as it has no context but is sounds great.

I’ll ask a question I’m not suppose to ask. If women are “strong and independent” why are they paying money to see a movie which according to Robyn:

1. Don’t show no cock. Only vagina.

Could it be because all women are bisexual? They are. They simply don’t want to admit it. And does this movie really show vagina? The real thing? Or is Robyn exaggerating?

2. The protagonist (if you can call her that) don’t speak much and is treated as an object.

Women being treated as objects is part of this whole rape culture fad that taking the colleges by storm. Would “strong and independent” women pay money to watch a move about a woman being treated like an object?

They would. It’s called Hunger Games. I read all three books. Katniss is blown by the winds, agonizes over everything, is indecisive and servers as a tool for the men and governments around her.

3. The protagonist has no depth.

Robyn claims she is only a pretty face.

I disagree.

I’ve seen pictures of Dakota Johnson that have been Photoshopped and she isn’t attractive even in those photos. This movie is teaching unattractive women that rich men will want to have sex with them. I can see how that would appeal to women.

4. Is full of man toys.

All those man toys require rich men to exist. What do women like more than rich men? Richer men.

fifty shades of grey reminds me of my last year in college at colorado state university in fort collins

What does it all mean?

Apparently this happens:

The fact that Christian Grey brings an unconscious woman back to his room is completely unremarked upon by anyone. He carried Anastasia – who is dead to the world – through the front door, past the front desk, through the lobby and into the elevator. And nobody, not the doorman, not the staff, not the guests, nobody said a damn thing about it.

In this movie, a rich, powerful man taking an unconscious young girl back to his room, undressing her and sleeping in the same bed with her is sweet. It’s romantic. It shows how much he cares for her. This isn’t taking advantage of someone who’s incapacitated by alcohol, this is the beginnings of TRUE LOVE. And somehow everyone in town recognizes this and discretely gives the happy couple their privacy because yeah. Even Ana’s friends don’t care that Anastasia disappeared from the bar without a word.

Now imagine the same movie only Grey in not a billionare. He is a janitor. A fat janitor. Would this be romantic? No. It would be rape. Not one person would be defending this movie.

In fact how about this analysis of the book from a bible reader:

Instead of focussing on the erotic desires of any particular character as an end in themselves (a long and important tradition in literature both English-language and otherwise), this is a story depicting a romanticised version of domestic violence.

Of course, the book is not as blatant and obvious as that. How could it be – it would never have sold. There is a surface level lip-service given to the issue of consent, with a contract (which is never actually signed by Ana) outlining certain rights. However, a little reflection shows that this does indeed only run surface deep.

For a start, there is a huge power dynamic between the wealthy millionaire who can create the world around him, and the less fiscally powerful and unemployed college student. This power dynamic is also exacerbated by the fact that Grey has lots of prior sexual experience, whereas Ana has never had a sexual relationship before (don’t even get me started on the fetishisation of virginity here). This power difference is exacerbated by the constant reference to Ana as ‘Miss Steele’, thus emphasising her vulnerability and youth.

What if I told you Fifty Shades of Grey is about an old man having sex with an under-age girl? Only the ages of the characters were changed.

fifty shades of grey is lolita for women in fort collins

Robyn hit right upon the crux of the matter. Those of you who watched the video’s I had in my post last week heard Stefan make this same point.

Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t about sex, rape or BDSM. In the end it’s about the ultimate fantasy. The dreamer’s dream. The desire to change someone else into what you want them to be. It’s about the battered wife who knows she can change the man who beats her into a loving human being. If only she could love him more. And that shit makes money.

 

Robyn’s Rant This Week on Ask Us

50-shades-of-grey-on-monday-funny-quotes

Hello and Happy Monday!

If you tuned in last week to read my She Says, you will know that I am taking on Fifty Shades of Grey this week from a more informed perspective.  That’s right, I have been gathering opinion and I will be going to see the movie this very afternoon.

I am sure I will have plenty to rant about.

Meanwhile, you can write in anonymously to Ask Us if you want to share your opinion with me.  If you want me to quote you, make sure you give me permission in your comments.  I will not use any names in my piece.  I would appreciate it if you kept your “I can’t believe you are going to pay money to see this movie” comments to a minimum.  I have a free pass so I am not spending anything. If I have to walk out of the theater then so be it, but I will do my best to stay and watch all 125 minutes of Fifty Shades with an open mind.

Tune in Wednesday for my post and then Friday for Skippy’s response. Wish me luck!

 

Unsolicited Advice She Says: It’s Grey, Not Black and White

gaston

Let it be known:

As I write this post I have not seen the movie, nor did I read the book. Well, that is not entirely true. I tried to read the book.

A quick story:

I had never heard of Fifty Shades of Grey until my hairdresser, and friend, told me about it. I used to work at the salon, I was getting my hair done at one day, and all the girls were buzzing about this book. “What is it about?” I asked. “Just read it!” they said. They told me it was sexy and I was going to love it. Flash forward about a week. My husband and I went out for drinks and stopped by the grocery store on the way home. I was a bit tipsy; and after seeing that the store carried Fifty Shades of Grey, I exclaimed very loudly that my husband should buy it for me. He did. The next day I woke up with a small hangover and my husband asking me why I insisted he buy me fan fiction erotica.

WHAT????? What did you buy me? What kind of erotica?

I didn’t have a clue.

He then proceeded to explain to me what kind of literature was now sitting on our dining room table. “Oh well,” I thought, “I am very comfortable with my sexuality so I should enjoy this book. Everyone else is reading, it so how bad can it be?”

I can’t tell you how far I actually got because I don’t remember the chapter or page number. I can say this, I read it as far as Christian Grey taking the main characters virginity (NOT realistic in the least) and stopped when Ana (the main character) started reading the contract he gives her to sign so they can continue having sex. I use the word “contract” because I think that is how they address it in the book. It felt more like a waver saying she won’t sue him if he goes too far in the bedroom. And I do mean too far. I became extremely uncomfortable and promptly put the book down. I have not picked it up since. In fact, after moving four times since I tried to read it, I couldn’t even tell you if it is still in my possession.

mastgrey

So now this erotica novel is a movie, and people have issues with it. Are we surprised? We, and by “we” I mean America, are a puritan society. Don’t believe me? Think about how this country was founded. The puritans came here to escape religious persecution. Compared to other countries, our R rated movies get a PG rating elsewhere. OK, maybe not that extreme, but pretty close to it.

We are also a society of complainers. If you are not offending one person, you are offending someone else by trying not to be offensive in the first place. Everyone’s a pusher. Everyone’s a shover. And most certainly everyone wants their opinion to be known. This is why we have free speech. And blogs.

Back to Fifty Shades. Yes, I put the book down. I had to ponder on this. Why were all the women saying it was so wonderful? These were friends of mine whom I know, love and trust. What is it about this novel that makes it so great? And what does the movie have to offer in turn? Is it because it is so far-fetched and fantastical that reading the book would be akin to reading about unicorns actually existing? No, ladies.  The BDSM community exists. I don’t understand it myself. I mean, a spanking now and then is fun and kinky but I don’t want anyone chaining me up and taking a belt to me.

greyhair

I decided to talk to my best friend about the movie before I continued writing my advice for the week. She has not read the book, but did go see the movie over the weekend. Over cocktails and dinner tonight I asked her:

“First tell me your overall impression.”

“Disturbing” was her reply.

She then described the movie to me in detail, and mostly a whisper since we were in a public restaurant. From what I understand there are sexy moments, but also very uncomfortable ones. For the most part it is about control and who has the control over whom. Apparently it changes hands, even though Christian Grey has the upper hand in the beginning. Is this what makes it interesting? Being the victim of controlling relationships, I do not find this appealing. My best friend very wisely pointed out that it is all very personal. I think she is right. I think who you are and what has shaped you into whatever your sexuality may be is how you will react to this book/movie. It is no wonder so many people are up in arms, it is being taken very personally.

I will say this: I think it is a bunch of BS that this is the movie that so many people take issue with, when there are other movies containing much worse depictions of sex in them that have won Oscars. Think about A Clockwork Orange, or Monsters Ball (a movie I had to turn off because I was so disturbed). Is it because this is a female fantasy and women are not allowed to be sexual? It is much more difficult for a woman to admit things like watching porn than it is for a man. A man gets high-fived while a woman gets dirty looks. This is true.

pornwatch

My friend also informed me that we never see Christian Grey’s penis in the movie but there is vagina galore. Don’t even get me started on that front.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to see the movie for myself and then form some better advice and opinion. Next week is Robyn’s Rant and I will address all these issues and more.

In the meantime, I want to know your opinion. I especially want to hear from the ladies so I can understand the different angles this issue can take.

Please comment below and check back on Friday for what Skippy has to say. Then, tune in next Wednesday where I address Fifty Shades of Grey from a more informed perspective.

 

She Says: Rethink Your Standards

great-time-flirting-ecard-someecards

Dear Dating and Doubting,

Am I reading this correctly? The fact that this amazing girl you went out with doesn’t like video games is a deal breaker? Really? I can’t tell you how big my sigh was when I read that, lets just say BIG.

I have a few things to say about video games and relationships before I answer your question properly. I don’t understand this new standard of relationships based on video game culture. When did it start? Should I blame Atari? Nintendo? Sega? Gaming on a Saturday night does not sound like a fun date night to me. In fact, it’s not. I know this to be true. In my early twenties I had a boyfriend who was a gym nut. He was, for lack of a better term, a bodybuilder. Three hours at the gym every day and not a second less. In his spare time he liked to play video games. I would go to his apartment and watch him play video games for hours because after a day at the gym, this is all he wanted to do (well, not all he wanted to do). We never really went out except on two occasions. The relationship, as you may have guessed, didn’t last very long. Where was the romance? The fun? The excitement? There are only so many times I can pretend to be excited on how well he did on Ratchet and Clank.

marryman

You might now be thinking “Great, Robyn doesn’t get it because she is against video games.” Don’t think that! I am not against video games, I am against them being a standard for romance. My husband plays them and I do tend to watch him play from time to time. Some of these new games play out like a movie and I am eager to see where the story goes. Do we do this often? No. And I am happy to read my book or work on my blog or whatever else while he plays. They are not banned from our household, nor do I give him a hard time. Though, I am still trying to figure out the appeal of Minecraft.

Now back to your question. You have asked me and my counterpart if you think your expectations are too high. The answer is: No. Your expectations would be high if you only dated women who were doctors, owned Lamborghini’s and only ate sushi for every meal.

I think it is important for everyone to know this: It is OK to have high standards.

Ridiculous standards, no. High standards that are within reason, yes. Video game playing and drinking habits do not fall into this category. In fact, I do not think they should be standards in the first place. What is a reasonable list of higher standards? I am glad you asked!

Resonable standard #1: Religion. It is imperative that you have the same or close to the same religious beliefs. There are two arguments you can have that will never have a winning side. One is religion and the other is…

Reasonable Standard #2: Politics. Sharing the same politics is important because of the same reason religion is important. Or, you can do what my husband and I do and just NEVER discuss them.

Reasonable Standard #3: Family matters. I am not saying you have to figure this out right away, but eventually you both need to have the same thoughts on having kids.

Reasonable Standard #4: Attraction. You have got to be physically attracted to the person in order for anything to go anywhere. I have tried to date someone I wasn’t attracted to. I gave it five (that’s right, five) chances. Be careful that this doesn’t go into the Ridiculous Standard category. Just because her second toe is bigger than her big toe shouldn’t be a deal breaker. Or anything along those lines.

Reasonable Standard #5: Interests. If you and she have 50% to 75% of your interests in common, then this is a good start! Don’t immediately discredit this girl because she has different drinking, video game, and technological interests.

Now to discuss the short-term, long-term part of your question. I think you are very confused about what you want right now. Hell, I was confused just reading about how you want something start out as “short term” but turn “long term” eventually. Isn’t that every relationship? I think the question you need to be asking yourself is if you want just a fuck buddy or a girlfriend. If the answer is a FB then I don’t think you should go on a second date with this girl. If you want a girlfriend, then I really think you have a potential candidate.

longterm

I think you need at least two more dates with this girl before you decide how into her you really are. By the third date you should know if you want to take it any further. Before you do anything though, figure out if you are ready for a girlfriend or if you are just out for a good time. Don’t lead the poor girl on, but still give it a chance. You never know, and she may just one day take a liking to playing video games. Maybe not.

What did you think of Robyn’s advice? Comment below and tune in Friday for Skippy’s advice!