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Unsolicited Advice: She Says, Party Like You’re Irish

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St. Patrick’s Day!!!!!!

I know, I know, by the time you read this, it will have already passed. And it was on a Tuesday this year which is not good for those of us who like to get our whiskey on. Unless you don’t have a job. And if you don’t, what are you doing spending your money on alcohol? Stop it. Get a job.

This year has been a good one for me so far. Two of my dear friends are getting married and decided to have their joint stag/hen party on St. Patrick’s day. Shenanigans abound! I was in Downtown Denver and drew inspiration from what I saw in the bars there to give you some good advice to heed for the next year.

So, here it is, my advice in the form of “do’s” and “don’ts” for all St. Patrick’s Day’s in your future. You’re welcome.

DO know your facts.

I had to work on St Paddy’s and was listening to the radio on my morning commute. The female DJ was talking about how great it was that St. Patrick’s day is the day to wear green, but this year she decided to do something different. She wore a snakeskin print shirt to work instead to honor the fact that St. Patrick drove all the snakes from Ireland. She then went on to say how shocked she was to find out that this was actually not a fact, but a myth. Seriously??? How dumb can you be? That is like saying that the Pied Piper is real and can get rid of your pesky mouse problem by playing a flute. Next time, check your facts before you make a wardrobe choice that makes you look like an idiot. Oh, and don’t announce it on the radio. Just wear green like everyone else.

snakes

…and with that said…

Don’t Over Do Your St. Patrick’s  Day Outfit.

A green shirt and a shamrock beaded necklace? Great! A beer shirt and a green bowler hat? Super! Full green body paint, flashing necklaces and a green afro wig? Oh, no! Full out leprechaun garb with tutu and gold tights? Yikes!

There is such a thing as going too far. I noticed that the ladies room line was longer than it should have been while I was at one particular bar in Denver. It was because the ladies ahead of me were having issues with their outfits. There were unitards and tutu’s everywhere. Not cool ladies, not cool. And fellas…. what can I say…. that green afro makes you look like a dickhead.

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Do Eat Some Tasty Irish Fare.

Irish food is wonderful. Why? Because it is all about the meat and potatoes. It is also about cooking things with one of my favorite ingredients: Beer. It is hard to find good Irish food here in Fort Collins so you might have to go to Boulder and check out Connor O’Neils. They are operated by an actual Irish family! It’s the real deal! Or, just cook at home. Either way, enjoying the cuisine of another culture is one of the best parts of this holiday.

DON”T Drink Green Beer!

Please, please, PLEASE don’t drink green beer. How much more American can we get than turning our disgusting light beer even MORE disgusting by adding green food dye? It is not festive, it is just gross. For the love of St. Patrick and everything that is holy, only drink IRISH BEER to celebrate this IRISH holiday. It is wonderful. What’s that? You don’t like Guinness? Guess what… THERE ARE OTHER KINDS OF IRISH BEER. Harp, Smithwicks, and Murphy’s are all good options. Or, just go straight for the Jameson, I recommend it with ginger ale.

irish

DO Watch How Much You are Drinking.

Seriously. No one likes a sloppy drunk. This is advice I want you to heed all year round. Especially if you are away from your own humble abode. I was recently a DD for some of my guy friends. It was like herding cats, and, I’m sorry, but there is a point where the level of beer and the level of aggression can come to a head. For no apparent reason. Keep it balanced, guys. It is no fun in the end for anyone. You too ladies. YOU TOO.

However you decide to celebrate St. Patrick and the holiday (which isn’t technically a holiday in our country) just be safe and don’t look like a dickhead. Oh, and eat the food. I am serious, it is delicious.

Things Fort Collins Needs To Get Over

Life is short. You need to focus your attention on things that are truly important. That means you need to let go of things that don’t matter. It means you need to move on. It means you need to put on your big girl panties. You need to let go of some anger and free up some emotional space in your life.

You need to have a nice big steaming hot cup of shut the fuck up.

how about a cup of shut the fuck up in fort collins

Aren’t you happy you’ve got us to point this out to you?

Robyn and Skippy are here to identify some concerns that you can let go of.

1. Fifty Shades of Grey.

Skippy says: No joke folks. It’s time to move on. Is this still a thing? Was it ever a thing? Why was it a thing? Find a boyfriend or girlfriend and get on with your life. Robyn actually watched Fifty Shades of Grey because so many people were getting emotional about it.  That’s 3ish hours of her life she will never get back.

Robyn says: Not only should we get over it, but we should also boycott the next two movies. The books happened. They happened and we let them happen. If everyone just stops caring about it, maybe it will go away.

2. Restaurant reviews you don’t agree with.

Robyn says: Shit happens. Restaurants fuck up. Opinion changes. I have been on reviews with Kristin Mastre of Feasting Fort Collins and she is beyond fair and reasonable. So, she has a different opinion than you do? Don’t get your panties in a bunch. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and no one should attack someone for that.

Skippy says: When your restaurant does get a review and you don’t like it refrain from sending the reviewer messages that end with “sad puppy face”.  You just look like an idiot. Probably because you are an idiot.

sad puppy face in fort collins

3. The train goes through the middle of Fort Collins.

Skippy says: The train was here first. It’s not the train’s fault that people in Fort Collins decided to build the city on both sides of the tracks. It’s also not the train’s fault that the government of Fort Collins spends money on shitty art and laws against smoking instead of building a damn overpass or underpass. Hell with all the road construction in Fort Collins we could have 10 overpasses by now.

Robyn says: I fucking hate that train. It doesn’t make it any better sitting here brooding over it. The train is never going to go away. Telling someone you are late because of the train is a perfectly acceptable excuse for anyone who has lived in Fort Collins for 5 minutes.

4. The Drunken Monkey is called The Drunken Monkey. Illegal Pete’s is called Illegal Pete’s.

Robyn says: Could be worse. It could be called something like Shit House.

Skippy says: A sure sign of First World Problems of Rich White People with Too Much Free Time would be getting your panties bunched up over the name of a business.

5. Parking in Old Town sucks.

Skippy says: Ride a bike or walk. Or take the MAX Transhit Boondoggle that you left-wing liberals are so in love with. There are two damn parking garages in Old Town and I’ve never seem them full. Suck it up!

Robyn says: I am really sick of hearing this one. Just shut up and pay for the garage. It is free the first hour. And, walking never killed anyone so just park further away.

6. Trader Joe’s

Robyn says: I love Trader Joe’s like all the rest of you, but I am not going to take selfies while shopping there or report to FB every time I buy more Cookie Butter. It’s here. We can all breathe a sigh of relief and not go crazy. If they open the liquor store part of TJ then we are all allowed to go nuts. Cheap good wine? YES PLEASE!!!!

Skippy says: What the hell is Trader Joe’s and why should I care? This is some kind of California thing isn’t it?

7. Yourself.

Skippy says: Enough with the selfies already. Can we go back to the “good old days” when people posted pictures of their food.

Robyn says: Seriously, there are way too many selfies on Facebook, too many BS tweets on twitter etc etc. I am sick of the “look at me, look at me” attitude these days.

basic bitch in fort collins

There are things in the world worth spending your emotional currency on. Important things like . . . well hell.  I don’t know like what.  Who flippin’ cares? Just get over it and move on damnit.

Robyn and Skippy Say: How to Survive the Winter Months in Fort Collins

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Howdy Ask Us Fans!

Welcome to another installment of banter from Robyn and Skippy! This week, our advice on how to survive the winter here in Fort Collins, and, well, all of Colorado. Enjoy!

1. Don’t Expect a Snow Day.

Robyn Says: It takes a blizzard to shut down our dear town, and even then we seem to still have to go to work or school.  When we do have a snow day, it is a miracle.

Skippy Says: The city should sell off all the snow plows and sand trucks.  When it snow instead of plowing the roads everything would have to shut down.  Hell yes.  Forced snow day.  That’s how we should roll.  Snow is nature’s way of saying “hey humans, slow down and smell the roses.”  ‘Cept all the roses are frozen.

2. Don’t Assume the Roads Will be Plowed By The Time You Leave for Work.

Skippy says: ‘Cause they will not be.  And if they are, they will be half ass plowed.  There will be a nice sheet of ice on the road.  Perfect for sliding into other objects. One more reason to get a job where you can work from home.

Robyn Says: Yeah, like sliding into big ass trucks.  Because for some reason, no matter how the roads are, people who drive trucks think they are invincible. Slow down, Captain Asshole.

3. Do Stock up On your Favorite Microbrew

Robyn Says: You never know when you will be able to get back to your local brewery, plus, all the good seasonals come out during the winter.  Grab your growlers and stock up!

Skippy Says:  In Colorado one should always be prepared with emergency supplies.  The freezer should be stocked with steak and at least one bottle of gin.  The fridge must contain at least a 12 pack, a growler, tonic, vermouth and olives.  Now you are ready for a winter storm.

4. Do Wear layers

Skippy Says: And by layers we don’t mean socks with sandals. It’s totally acceptable to wear shorts in the snow but put on a damn coat you fool.  Else you’re gonna catch your death of cold.

Robyn Says: And if you do wear shorts, don’t be blinding everyone with your mayonnaise legs.  We do have a lot of sun here in our lovely state, but I bet you haven’t been tanning lately.

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5. Don’t Believe the Weatherman (or Woman)

Skippy Says: We all know that’s a bunch of B.S.  Sure if the weatherman says it’s going to snow it might snow.  Or it might not.  It’s still a toss up almost all the time.  Keep in mind that the weatherman gets paid regardless of his batting average.  He doesn’t even care if he’s right or wrong.

Robyn Says: I wouldn’t want that job.  I like being right most of the time.  Still, I bet the benefits are good. OK, hire me.  I will predict that at 6am it will snow, by noon it will be eighty degrees and by midnight there will be a hailstorm. Am I in the ballpark?

6. Don’t Go Skiing on a Weekend

Robyn Says: Does anyone from Colorado actually go skiing?  I thought that is what all the imports do.

Skippy Says: Or better yet don’t go skiing at all.  What’s the big deal about sliding down the side of a hill with a stick tied to each of your feet.  You could be drinking Martinis by the fireplace instead.  Yes, they should be shaken not stirred.  It’s about the ice crystals.

7. Don’t go Dressing Like a Slut in Old Town on a Friday Night in 6 Inch Heels

Skippy Says: No heals in the snow & ice girls. Wear your Ugg boots.  Keep those boots fluffy and those skirts short.  You know how Skippy likes it.  He likes it often, cheap and easy.  Otherwise known as Old Town Style.

Robyn Says: So, you think you are hot stuff?  You look ridiculous and I know you are freezing your booty off.  It’s icy, ladies.  You are going to fall and break your face.

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8. Exercise Your Body and Mind

Robyn Says: Hot Yoga is the best way to keep you body and mind warm during the winter months.  And sex.

Skippy Says: If you don’t like cold then you’re gonna be stuck indoors.  Don’t turn into a couch potato playing video games all day.  Keep your mind and body active.  You can enhance your brain power by playing chess with a hottie.  Strip chess that is.  That way you’ll soon be exercising your body as well.

9. Stay Hydrated

Skippy Says: And all joking aside, I don’t mean with booze.  Just because the weather isn’t warm doesn’t mean you don’t need water.  Drink water.  It’s good for your brain and your skin. And there is plenty of it. For free.  It’s falling out of the damn sky.

Robyn Says: Especially when you have just boozed.  Or gone skiing.  Altitude sickness is real, folks.  Colorado: Our altitude will fuck you up.

10. Find Someone To Cuddle With

Robyn Says: Or, you can cuddle with your dog, cat, vibrator…

Skippy Says: It’s not too late to be my winter cuddle muffin. Send me a photo. I’ll get back to ya.

11. Learn To Love It

Skippy Says: When I tell people I hate snow they always ask “Then why do you live in Colorado?”  The answer of course is that I don’t want to live in Minnesota or Wisconsin. You can make the best of winter by going out into it and enjoying it or you can make the best of winter by staying indoors and being productive. Regardless of your approach you better learn to love winter.

Robyn Says: I agree with Skippy.  We do have more sunshine than most states and really nice Summers.  We grin and bear the Winter months and love them for what they bring in the Spring.

12. Don’t Expect Anyone To Shovel The Snow Off Their Side walks

Robyn Says: Or put down salt.  Or care if you fall on your ass.

Skippy Says: If the laws about shoveling snow on side walks were enforced with the same rabid ferocity as the smoking laws you would be able to walk down the side walk without busting your ass.

The greatest thing about winter in Colorado is that if you don’t like it, wait 24 hours. Today’s blizzard is tomorrow’s 70 degree frolic in the sun.

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Robyn Responds to Skippy: No Smoking? No Joking!

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Skippy had a lot of shit to say this week!

Which is good, because I don’t have much shit to say in response. I agree and disagree with my counterpart. In case you didn’t click on the link he posted as to what is going in here in our lovely city: there is a debate on furthering the smoking ban here in Fort Collins.

The Gist:

  • Smoking will be banned in in the expanded downtown area including Old Town Square
  • No smoking in all city operated facilities and their grounds
  • No smoking in all city parks, trails, and natural areas
  • No smoking in city approved events and festivals

The City Council will be debating the smoking ban on February 3, as in, next week.

Skippy points out that we live in a puritan society. I 100% agree with this statement. For as liberal, liberated, and uncensored as we are, we are far more repressed than you think. What do you expect? Our country was founded by Puritans seeking refuge from religious persecution. I also agree that the social acceptability of smoking has changed. People have become defensive about their smoking habit because they feel like they have to. Society has a general overreaction to cigarette smoke.

However…

I am one of those people who finds cigarette smoke offensive. I am not only allergic to it, but I also have asthma; so it is more medical for me. I do not want to be around it. This does not mean that I think that the expanded smoking ban in Fort Collins is necessarily a good idea. I don’t think I will get cancer from secondhand smoke, nor will it ruin my day. To me, it is like smelling that undeniable stench that wafts our way from Greeley every so often; and I may have to use my inhaler. Not fun, folks, not fun.

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Can someone explain to me the appeal of cigarettes in the first place? When I was in my early days of college, it was a very social thing. Now more and more people have quit for health reasons. I think I have maybe one or two friends who smoke anymore, compared to nearly all my friends in college. Let’s not forget that Fort Collins is one of the healthiest places in the United States. Are we surprised that there is a debate about even more restrictions on smoking in public? I think not.

Will this ban really be a big deal?

Now if we banned, oh I don’t know, yoga in Fort Collins, or quinoa, or cycling shorts, I think people would go nuts. Smoking in old town and in parks? I think you will be fine. In fact, this ban may even stop all the fights that break out in front of the Drunken Monkey! And then again, maybe not. An alcohol ban will be the only way to stop that, and that’s just crazy talk. Alcohol is fine by me; it doesn’t get blown in my face and make my lungs all fucked up. Again, asthma.

If the ban has your panties in a bunch, you should write in to us and let us know your thoughts. We are still taking guest posts!

My final thoughts: There will always be restrictions on things like smoking, alcohol and weed. This is just the country we live in. Fun fact: did you know that it is illegal to own a sex toy in the state of Alabama? You need a prescription from a doctor in order to legally own one. Aren’t you glad you don’t live there? See, it could always be worse. Weed is even legal now in our fine state. But no, I don’t have any.

 

Unsolicited Advice: You Can Make Your Life Better

I know you think it’s only other people who need Unsolicited Advice but it’s not. It’s you as well. Not only do you need Unsolicited Advice, you need lots of it. Let’s get started.

1. Stop being flaky. Stop wasting other people’s time.

Do what you say you are going to do. Do it when you said you would. Do it how you said you would. Do it to the best of your ability.

When you tell another person you are going to do something he is going to alter his plans, his life, his intentions, his finances and so forth accordingly. When you fail to follow through you have wasted his resources. Be those resources time, money or beer you have wasted them.

If you are not 100% certain and committed to following through on something you say you will do then don’t say you are going to do it. Some people will forgive you for flaking on them. Those are people who live their lives as doormats. People with integrity will not look the other way and give you a second, third and fourth chance.

By the gods and goddesses if you do have to back out of a commitment you have made do not wait until the last moment to inform the involved parties. Let them know you can’t follow through as soon as you decide to flake out. You don’t necessarily owe them an explanation of why you are flaking but you must tell them you can’t (won’t, will not, whatever) follow through.

That way they can remove you from their life.

As they should. ‘Cause this brings us to . . .

remove the shitty people from your life in fort collins

2. Eliminate psychic vampires from your life.

If there is anything I will repeat over and over and over until I start to foam at the mouth and fall over backwards it’s the necessity of removing shitty people from your life.

The people you allow in your life will determine how your resources are utilized. The one most valuable resource you have is time. You’ve got so much time on Earth and then you are done. You must always be aware of the opportunity cost for what you are doing and not doing.

The people you spend your time with also determine to a great extent how your life will turn out. Scream and call me names all you like. Fit people hang out with fit people. Drunks hang out with drunks. Fat people hang out with fat people. Rich people hang out with rich people. Poor people hang out with poor people. Wage slaves hang out with wage slaves. Business owner hang out with business owners.

The people you spend the most time with are the people you will become like. They are the people who will influence your world view and either limit or open the possibilities for your life.

This is why my number one advice to people newly unemployed is do not spend your time around other unemployed people.

Talking to a friend of mine recently about someone who flaked on me thirty-seven minutes before we were suppose to meet and cost me money in the process she responded that “people do that to me all the time.” Yet she still associates with these people. If people you associate with flake on you often it’s because you allow them to.

Which brings us to . . .

that which you allow is that which will continue in fort collins

3. That which you allow is that which will continue.

Why do corporations pay no income taxes? Because you allow it.

Why are United States troops killing people in Afghanistan? Because you allow it.

Why does a TSA agent with an IQ of 76 touch you child’s balls at the airport? Because you allow it.

Why does your boyfriend hit you? Because you allow it.

Why is your girlfriend fucking the CSU football team? Because you allow it.

Why does your boss treat you like shit? Because you allow it.

Why do your clients pay you late? Because you allow it.

Why did Bush & Obama bail out the banking corporations? Because you allow it.

Why do the corporations harvest and sell information about you via social media? Because you allow it.

Why are you poor? Because you allow it.

Why are you stupid? Because you allow it.

Why are you pissed off at me for telling you the truth that all these things happen because you allow them to happen? Because you allow it.

I know you want to play the card.  The victim card.  The race card.  The patriarchy card.  The discrimination card.  Non-stupid people aren’t going to play card games with you.  You have to stop allowing it. That means you have to stop whining and start acting.

Thus we conclude with . . .

be the change you wish to see in the world by getting off facebook in fort collins

4. Show. Don’t tell. If you have to say you are it’s because you aren’t.

If you have to tell people you are ethical it’s because you aren’t. If you are ethical it will be obvious from your actions and how you treat other people. Here is a quick story about the greatness of my insight.

I once went to a networking function called “integrity networking.” As Cohere member Skippy would later point out, “you should probably avoid groups that claim to be ethical right in their title—if they have to overtly say they are ethical, then they probably aren’t.” At the event, everyone had their chance to give an elevator speech, an activity that makes me want to turn to liquid and slide through the floorboards. After I sat through elevator speech Round 2 (in the same meeting), I was handed an application and asked to pay more than a hundred dollars for the privilege of hanging out with Fort Collins’ finest integritarians.

If you have to tell people you are not racist it’s because you are. If you are not racist it will be obvious from your actions and how you treat other people.

If you have to tell people you believe in freedom of speech we all know you support speech restrictions and label any idea different than your ideas “hate speech”.

If you have to tell people you believe in diversity we all know your friends are limited to people with exactly the same world view as yours.

If you have to tell people you aren’t doing it for the money we all know you are doing it for the money.

I don’t have to tell any of you that I’m an asshole who cares about the truth more than I care about your feelings and being you friend. It’s obvious from my behaviour.

Show others who you are and what you believe with your actions. Stop trying to tell people you are who you wish you were but don’t have the integrity to be. You are only fooling the stupid people. And those are the people you should be removing from your life anyway.

You have way more room for improvement that you think you do. Remove head from ass and get to work.

Unsolicited Advice She Says: You Know Who You Are

offended

Hello Dear Readers!

Skippy and I decided to give a little bit of general advice this week. Some Unsolicited Advice for the general populace. I see it as an opportunity to share with you what really makes my blood boil. We all have to co exist on this planet so, lets try and make it as pleasant as possible for each other. Warning: I may offend some of you and I will be using language of the bad variety. I seem to be good at that, even though I try my best to give the benefit of the doubt. I am not going to hold back. Here is what I think people need advice on:

You Drive Like An Asshole.

Mostly you, the truck driver. I don’t drive a truck, therefore other people who do drive a truck see me as expendable. Hey you, person who drives a truck, you don’t own the road, I am still here. I understand that if we were in a wreck, your truck would have a small dent and mine would look like a crushed soda can and I will probably be dead. Think about that the next time you cut me off, asshole. Oh, and people of Fort Collins and the world, LEARN TO USE THE TURN SIGNAL. Also, lets at least go the speed limit. Ten miles below is as fucked up as ten above.

baddriverYou Also Park Like An Asshole.

This morning I had thought I had found a gloriously close spot to work. I was wrong. Some douchebag was almost taking up two spaces. Really? Downtown parking is a commodity. Thanks for fucking with my morning. This seems to be a common epidemic around the world. Let me give you some advice, your car is probably going to get keyed or worse. Just saying.

You Don’t Need To Tell Me What I Should Be Eating.

Oh, so you are on a great new diet/have gone gluten free/eliminated dairy/wheat/eggs/starch/only eat vegtables that die a natural death…. I DON”T CARE. I think what you need to understand that everyone’s dietary needs are different, therefore, they should determine what is best for their bodies. Unless I ask, I don’t want to know.

 

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You Should Not Use Facebook for TMI posting.

TMI, for those of you who don’t know, is short for Too Much Information. Not too many of you do this any more, but for those of you that do, cut it the fuck out. We don’t need a novel about what is going on in your life every day or 800 pictures of your food/child /beer/ self. Those of you who post a pic of themselves every other day, just stop. It’s obnoxious. You are not that important to anyone.

You have a Cock, I Get it. That doesn’t mean I want it.

I went to a wedding fairly recently and had a guy try to grab my boobs while dancing. “I’m married!” I said. “I like you.” He said, then, proceeded to do what I can only describe as a white man’s mating ritual… the dance of You Should Want My Dick. I don’t. I have one at home, thank you very much and I am very happy with it… him.

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Your Dog is STILL Not On A Leash!

I wrote an Unsolicited Advice about this topic already. It is a LAW that you need to have your dog on a leash. I was walking my dog yesterday morning and this stupid woman with her 100 lb dog was letting the dog walk around without holding on the her leash. I don’t know your name, lady, but I know your dog’s name is Kendra and she tried to eat my little Zazu. I had to scoop him up and try to get your dog off of me. This is not OK. My husband had the same problem with a Labrador last week, getting in my dog’s face and a tussle happened. My husband heard the typical “Don’t worry, my dog is friendly.” Yeah, but my dog feels threatened and will react as such. Keep your dog on a leash for fuck sake. I wish I could report you.

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So that is about it. Really, I am pretty easy going. I just asked my husband if he could think of anything else that pisses me off and he couldn’t. These are the main things that get my panties in a bunch. Next week I will have a brand new installment of Robyn Rants so I am sure I will have something new that I am frustrated about. You wont want to miss out!

Do you have a list of things that really piss you off? You can write to us anonymously!! Tune in Friday to see what Skip has to say. I am sure he has a lot of things to get off his chest. Don’t miss it!

Ten Reasons You Should Be Asking For Advice From Robyn And Skippy.

solving other peoples problems is easy in fort collins

Don’t be shy.  Write in to us.  We don’t bite.  Unless you’re into that kind thang.  And if you need a spanking we can help with that as well.

1. Our advice is free of personal bias. We don’t know you and whatever problem you are facing we don’t have a dog in that fight.

Skippy: You will never get unbiased advice from people who know you. It’s just a fact. They either want you to succeed or fail and will adjust their advice accordingly.

Robyn: And we are not betting on your horse either.

2. You can ask for advice about things your friends should be asking advice on. Send them links to our answers and see if they get the hint.

Robyn: We are happy to take on your friends issues so you don’t have to. Being removed from a situation is always better for advice. We can’t put any emotion into it, Skippy especially.

Skippy: I don’t even have emotions. Not only am I a boy I’m an asshole as well.

i am not just a boy i am also an asshole in fort collins

3. You can ask us questions you can’t ask your parents. Or your friends. Or your children. Or your enemies.

Skippy: You can ask us questions you can’t even ask yourself. That’s how deep we are.

Robyn: Or your boss, mailman, bank teller, hairdresser, gynaecologist… well maybe your gyno.

4. We will never know who you are. We’ve got an anonymous contact form from which you can send us a message without revealing your identity.

Robyn: If we don’t know who you are, we can’t really judge you. I am a fan of giving the benefit of the doubt.

Skippy: I don’t need to know who you are to judge you so it doesn’t matter. Judging is the thing I’m second best at. Hurting feelings with the truth is what I’m the very best at.

5. Asking Robyn and Skippy is a great way to get things off your chest.

Skippy: Catharsis is good for ya. Since hardly none of you folks go to the theatre any more to get a dose of catharsis you’ve gotta get it some place. Of course if you have a really nice chest I’ll be happy to get on it.

Robyn: He means the females AND the males. Nah, but seriously, keeping things bottled up inside is never good for anyone. Eventually all your problems adding up could lead to a volcanic eruption of emotion. Don’t be a volcano, just write in.

6. We will save you a lot of time and money.

Robyn: We are not licensed therapists; therefore we don’t charge you any money. You can write to us once a week and you wont have to drive to a therapists office and pay them money to solve your problems. We will do it for free! (If you have really serious depression though, please go to a professional. We are only a band-aid not a suture.)

Skippy: I do it for free. But only if you’re a cute girl. Oh wait, I thought we were talking about sex. Never mind. Unless you’re a cute girl. In which case you should contact me right now and send a photo. But it’s true. We will help you solve your problems for free. Keep in mind that we can only do a limited amount of problem solving for you because of the limitations of the blog format. If you need serious help you might need to Consult An Asshole.

7. We have a lot of life experience and can see situations from different angles. Male and Female angles in fact.

Skippy: I have so much experience that’s I’ve forgotten much of it and had to learn a second time. I’m not just once the expert, I’m twice the expert.

Robyn: My favourite angle is from the rear…

8. You don’t have to take our advice.

Robyn: If you don’t like the advice we give you (I don’t know why you wouldn’t) you don’t have to take it! Nothing lost, nothing gained.

Skippy: I know. Hard to believe isn’t it? Who wouldn’t take our advice? Fact is some people think they know better than us. Yet we are the ones writing the advice column. What does that tell ya?

9. You can take our advice!

Skippy: And shove it! No. Just kidding. If anything there are those who would say we can take our advice and shove it.

Robyn: Who knows? We may have just changed your life with our words of wisdom.

we are awesome so fuck you in fort collins

10. Because we are awesome!

Robyn: ‘Nuff said!

Skippy: Robyn is awesome. I’m a sex machine. Totally different thang.

Learning Things The Hard Way: The Price of Fame

hardway

It is your resident She Says adviser, Robyn here. Welcome to our new segment! That’s right! We are calling it Learning Things The Hard Way. Skippy and I are going to take stories from the media (local and otherwise), as well as your submissions of lessons learned in life. So, what is the perfect topic to introduce you to our new content? Why, the fuss over Idina Menzel’s New Year’s eve flub, that’s what! Didja miss it? Are you living under a rock? Skippy must be, because he had no idea what I was talking about.

So, it goes a little something like this (for those of you who have found a quiet place to call home under said rock): Idina Menzel, diva extraordinaire, with the voice like an angel. Better known to me as the Tony award winning actress for her portrayal of Elphaba (the Wicked Witch of the West) in Wicked on Broadway, but better known to the rest of the world as the voice of Elsa in Disney’s Frozen. Still confused? Sigh.

Here is a video to help:

 

Doesn’t she have a beautiful voice? I mean, she won a TONY!! Gotta love her. I mean that voice! So, she was, of course, asked to perform this song on the iconic Dick Clark’s New Years Eve in Time Square. And what better a song to ring in the New year? Let it go! Let the negativity of the last year go and embrace a new year with a positive attitude! At least…that’s what I got from it.

Anyway, Ms. Menzel starts belting her song at midnight, doing pretty well for a live performance… until the end. On the final high note of the song, she flubs it and rasps out something that would make your ears bleed. What happened then? The world exploded!

Not really. But the media did, Twitter did, Facebook did, etc, etc, etc. Idina Menzel missed the note? HOW DARE SHE! Lets make fun of her/attack her/humiliate her/talk about her constantly because we have nothing better to do!

Really?

I tried to find a video to show all of you what happened, but they seem to have all been erased because of a copyright whatever. Actually, I am glad that the video is not available to show you. Here is the thing: IT IS NOT A BIG DEAL!

You know what I love about live performances? They are live. There is more of a connection between an audience member and the performer when you are at a live show. There is an energy there that is unparallelled and, guess what? Sometimes mistakes happen. It is a beautiful glimpse of humanity. Do you know what is not a beautiful glimpse of humanity? The reaction to a simple mistake made by a person who is only human and just happens to be a celebrity.

This brings me to the lesson that was learned here. The price of fame is high, it demands perfection, it demands superhuman powers and it demands constant upkeep. Like the iconic song Hotel California by the Eagles professes; “you can check out any time you’d like, but you can never leave.”

one-does-not-simply-leave-the-hotel-california

Another lesson to learn here is that it is all in how you handle the situation. Idina Menzel tweeted about her mistake the day after it happened:

There are about 
3 million notes in a two-and-a-half-hour musical; being a perfectionist, it took me a long time 
to realize that if I’m hitting 75 percent of them, 
I’m succeeding. Performing isn’t only about
 the acrobatics and the high notes: It’s staying in the moment, connecting with the audience 
in an authentic way, and making yourself 
real to them through the music. I am more than the notes I hit, and that’s how I try to approach my life. You can’t get it all right all the time, but 
you can try your best. If you’ve done that, all 
that’s left is to accept your shortcomings and have 
the courage to try to overcome them.”

She is beyond eloquent and her words speak to all of us, applying to any endeavor. It is not easy being a celebrity but it also not easy to be, simply, human. We should remember that when we are so quick to scrutinize mistakes.

Some of you may know that I have a background in theatre so, I have to add this:  I would bet cash-money that Kristin Chenoweth is having a bit of a gloat over this fiasco. Who is Kristin Chenowith? Why, she co-starred with Idena Menzel in Wicked and lost the Tony to her in 2004.  But I digress.

wicked

The lesson learned here is one of humanity. It is OK to be human and make mistakes. It is all in how you handle the situation. Sometimes, to do what you dream, you have to take the risk, close your eye and leap. Life is full of consequences and Idina Menzel will sing on, whether you bash her on Twitter or not.

What do you think about Idina Menzel’s situation? Comment below and don’t forget to check back on Friday for another new-ish segment! You wont want to miss it!

Robyn Responds to Skippy: Failure Happens

epic fail

Wow Skippy!

I am always dazzled by how you manage to insert sex references into anything and everything!  Looking beyond that, you had some solid words of wisdom this week about failure and how to avoid setting yourself up for failure. And, I think that you had some good tips on setting up systems instead of goals. Small rewards do make big changes. I like this way of thinking; systems make for long term changes and goals inevitably have an end point. Definitely something positive to work on in the new year.

So, Skip gave some advice on making changes for the new year because on January 1, everything changes. Everything is re-set and all can start new and clean and fresh without any mistakes. Time to change! Time to make your life better! Screw the last year because there is a shiny new year with so many possibilities! And, according to Skippy, there is no excuse for failure.

Why?

I mean, I hate excuses just like anyone else because; if “ifs” and “buts” were candy and nuts we’d all have a Merry Christmas. In other words, too many ifs and buts make for unworthy excuses. There is such a thing as a good excuse, but most of the time excuses are just a lot of hot air. Failure does happen. Whether you set yourself up for it or not. I, for one, am glad that failure happens. What better way to humble yourself and learn from mistakes if not for failure?

excuse

One way I do think we set ourselves up for failure is the whole concept behind a new year. Talk about pressure. Who came up with the idea of a new year’s resolution anyway? Why the fuck does January 1 mark the time to make changes in your life? What if you are not ready? What if there are factors in your life that you can’t avoid making it impossible for change at this time? Yet society, or some sadistic asshole one day made it a tradition that you make a resolution at the beginning of the year. So everyone asks you what your resolution is and why you have made that resolution and how will you uphold yourself to said resolution. Again, you are just setting yourself up for failure.

Some people can’t think for themselves. It’s sad but true. When you decided to set up a system for yourself to make changes it should be on your own terms, not because someone else is pressuring you (or, in this case, the time of year). There are people out there who can’t make that decision on their own and they need the motivation of January 1 to decide to make a change. Lame. I say, start making up a system for yourself whenever you are damn well ready. If that date is January 1, then fine. If it is April 12, that is fine too. September 23? Great! March 31st? Super!  The first step to avoiding failure is being ready for whatever change you are going to make on your own terms.

changes

It is OK to fail. Really, it is!

Shocking? It shouldn’t be. When you do decide to make a change in your life, do not be afraid to fail. This is the number one reason people decide not to make any change. If you go into any endeavor with the attitude that you are not allowed to fail, well, you have already failed. Every person on this planet is afraid of failure. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you tell yourself that it is OK to fail you are more likely to start making a change.

Why is it OK to fail?

  1. What do we learn when things are easy?
  2. We cannot grow and learn unless we fail now and then.
  3. When we learn from a failure we find out more about ourselves and become more complete as a person.
  4. Failure comes with wisdom, which, is the only cure for ignorance.
  5. The harder you try the less likely you are to fail, but, if you do fail you will know you did everything in your power not to fail.
  6. Therefore, you will not be able to have any lame excuses, because the failure was not your fault.
  7. Even if the failure was your fault, you still accomplished something and that, my friend, is not a failure.

Trying something even though it may fail is still doing something worthwhile. Thinking outside of your box (no, Skippy, I do not mean a vagina) is one of the hardest things we, as humans, have to do. Figure out your system of change and develop your own way to succeed. Even if you fail, you will have learned something new about yourself, and that is winning in my book.

However you decide to live your life, make a good one. Not just a great year, but a great life. Make your decisions for change based on where you are in your life, not what time of year it is or because you “have” to make a resolution. Fail, fail, fail some more and then try again. You won’t always fail, especially if you make the right choices and set up realistic systems for yourself. It really is OK to fail now and again and I promise, people will still like you.

 

 

Shit Skippy Says: Failure Doesn’t Have To Be An Option

new years resolutions 2011 2012 2013 2014

Normally Shit Skippy Says is about me bitching about whatever corncob is up my ass at any given time. This week I’ve decided to use it for a different purpose. ‘Cause I do what I want. We will return to my whining next time around.

Are you contemplating your New Year’s resolutions? Making a list of changes and checking it twice? I got some tips to help ya out with changing your life for the better.

pretending in 2015 in fort collins

1. Action is better than thinking.

The more time you spend contemplating change the less likely you are to make a change. Too much thinking is what I refer to as mental masturbation. That’s one sex reference. SEO value of this post is going up already.

Your life should be 20% thinking and 80% doing. You can think about different ways to eat less candy this year. You can make a list of reasons to eat less candy. You can talk to your friends about eating less candy.

At some point you have to actually do things that will lead to you eating less candy. Give away all the candy you have at home. Don’t buy any more. When you find yourself craving some chocolate deliciousness run to the store, buy a box of chocolate and stuff your face.

No. Kidding.

Except about the running part.

Engage in some action that will take your mind off the candy. Like smoking cigarettes or running with scissors. Or watching Brazilian fart porn. SEO booster number two.

No. Kidding!

Got a craving for some candy? Walk around the block instead. Do push ups. Grab some hand weights and lift until you are tired. Clean the toilet. Wash dishes. Put your body to work doing something and you mind will follow. You’ll forget about the candy.

failing your new years resolution in fort collins

2. Know and avoid your current anchors and triggers.

Anchors and triggers can be your friend or your enemy. If you don’t know what I mean by anchors and triggers here’s an example.

Is there a song that puts you in a certain emotional state every time you hear it? A song that reminds you of a romantic partner from the past? Reminds you of a great time in your life? A bad time in your life? Each time you hear that song notice how your mind and body react. That’s an anchor/trigger.

If you want to change a behaviour you must know what triggers this behaviour and avoid the trigger.

One of my friends wanted to stop smoking. He could go two weeks without a cigarette. No problem. Not a touch of craving for the nicotine. But then we would go to a bar and within 30 minutes of being there he needed a smoke.

He had an anchor to the bar environment that triggered his desire to smoke.

Know your triggers. Don’t just attempt to avoid them because you will fail. Replace them.

unfriending in 2015 in fort collins

3. Create new anchors and triggers that will serve your intentions.

Someone recently remarked to me about how terrible the minutia of creating a website is. Don’t I know it. Nothing excites me more than sitting down to plow through some CSS. Except when I can’t figure out why the CSS isn’t doing what I want it to do. That’s the best ever.

I could scream bad words at the computer. Well, actually I do that. But it doesn’t help.

I minimize the amount of screaming I do at the computer by using a positive anchor I have created. I have a specific playlist of music which I only listen to when working on websites and it puts me in a positive, happy and upbeat state. That makes it easier for me to problem solve and engage in repetitive work.

Create anchors and triggers for yourself that put you in a useful emotional state.

gain 20 lose 10 in fort collins

4. Reward yourself and set consequences.

Positive reinforcement works for dogs, children, employees and you. Make a deal with yourself to reward yourself.  This will help you accomplish things which are proving difficult.

I really don’t want to be writing this blog post right now. I’ve a huge list of things I’d rather be doing. Thus I made a deal with myself. Soon as I get this post complete and ready to publish I can take a shower and then do some photo editing while drinking hot tea. Now I’ve got more incentive to get my ass in gear and pump this out.

Ass and pump in the same sentence are good for SEO.

You can also set up consequences if you don’t follow through on your goal or system.

I read a story many moons ago in which two women agreed to avoid deserts in restaurants. The first one to break the agreement had to eat a can of Alpo dog food. The woman who wrote the story said she carried around a can of Alpo in her purse. Each time she was tempted to order the cheesecake she pulled out the can and read the ingredients.

No more desire for cheesecake.

For this to work you have to be committed to adhering to the consequences. Obviously she was because the point of her story was that it worked for both of them.

the first weeks of 2015 in fort collins

5. Don’t set goals. Create systems.

This goes against everything you have heard from self improvement idiots for your entire life. There are some cases where goals are the right approach. The other 80% of the time you should be creating systems.

  • Goals have end points. Systems don’t.
  • If you don’t meet a goal you have failed. Every time you adhere to your system you have succeeded.

What I mean by this is don’t set a goal to read War And Peace by January 31st. It’s too easy to fail at that. Create a system in which you spend a minimum of 30 minutes a day, five days a week, reading a book for pleasure.

Every day you read for 30 minutes you have been successful. Your brain likes success. Small success leads to big success. A system is something that you can build on, expand and develop.

better bad decisions in fort collins

There it is. You now have no excuse for failure. Move into your future and make it better than your past. What shit does Skippy say this month? Skippy says don’t be a failure. No one like a failure.