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Final Post on Ask Us Fort Collins . . .

. . . Unless the Scoop Blog Network ever decides to revive this blog.

But honestly, where would Kristin ever find two people as sexy, intelligent, charming and humble and Robyn and Skippy to take over?

Exactly.  It was damn fun and we are grateful to Kristin for allowing us to participate in the Scoop Blog Network.  It was a challenge and a learning experience – in all the good and bad ways.  Rather like life.

Yet . . .

Don’t despair.  Robyn and Skippy will still be gracing the interwebz with their opinions.

We are also still available to give you free advice should you need it.  We all know you need it.  It’s more a matter of should you decide to man up and ask for advice.


You can find us over at He Said / She Said Fort Collins where we will do our best to entertain you, thrill you, and piss you off.

Seriously.  A bit more hate mail if you please.

Finally if you have been an Ask Us fan or if you’ve discovered this site and like what you read you may also want to check out the newest site in the Scoop Blog Network.

Naked Fort Collins

It launched the same month as He Said / She Said and is going to feature even more sex than Ask Us ever did.  That got your fucking attention didn’t it?

Because people who don’t get none can’t stop talking about it.

Which explains why Skippy makes sex jokes all the time.

See y’all over at He Said / She Said.  Happy trails y’all!

Blast From The Past: Children Are People Not Objects

Finishing out the Blast From The Past series here on Ask Us Fort Collins is this bit of offensive truth from Skippy.  I know you think children are objects but they aren’t they are people.

Come over and visit us at our new home He Said / She Said.  It’s gonna be loads of fun and good times all around.  You might even learn something.

And now on to our blast from the past . . .


Let’s cut right to the chase. Bad parenting is ultimately a result of the inability to understand that children are people not objects.

Bad parenting arises from selfishness and narcissism.

Children Are People Not Property in Fort Collins

There are men who marry younger beautiful women not because they love these women or because they’re looking for a romantic partnership with these women but because the men use these women to show off. We call these trophy wives. The woman is an object by which a man elevates his status and proves himself to society.

Trophy Children

Many women have children for the very same reason. I exclude men from this statement only because men are biologically incapable of giving birth. This is not to say there isn’t bad parenting on the part of men. There is lots of that. It’s simply that short of adoption it’s difficult for men have children without a woman being involved.

Why does a mother take her children to a bar and let them run amok while she gets drunk? Because she gave birth to those children out of her desire to prove to everyone around her that she can have a PhD, a six-figure job, a BMW, a two-story house, and children. She is selfish, narcissistic and woman. Her her roar.

By and large children are treated as objects.

  • Objects for which the parents must find a babysitter as soon as possible.
  • Objects which the parents have to get into government schools as soon as possible.
  • Objects for which activities must be planned so they don’t have to be at home alone while the parents are at work.
  • Objects which must show no signs of creativity and personality else they will be put on drugs so they sit in the corner drooling quietly and don’t interfere with the parents watching Orange Is The New Black.

Children are objects which are wound up and sent into the world to accomplish things only so that the parents can brag about those accomplishments. “My child is an honour student” bumper stickers epitomize this. In this particular story the iPhone photo says it all. The mother interacted with her children long enough to take a picture which she probably posted on Facebook so that all of her “friends” could see how cute and adorable her children are. Her children. Her property. Her accomplishment. Her ego.

The only thing which might be worse than trophy children is what I call retirement children. Ever had someone tell you she had kids “Because I want somebody to take care of me in my old age.” It must be wonderful to know that your parents only brought you into the world so that you would take care of them when they get old.

You doubt me when I claim you view children as objects?

Scenario One: A man is in a jewellery store with his wife. The wife is expressing her desire to have a particular necklace. The man is telling her she can’t have it. She reaches out to touch the necklace and the man slaps her hand, slaps her on the ass and then drags her out of the store.

At this point every feminist on the planet explodes in a fit of rage.

Scenario Two: A woman is in the toy store with her child. The child is expressing his desire to have a particular toy. The woman is telling the child he can’t have it. The child reaches out to touch the toy and the mother slaps the child’s hand, slaps the child on the ass and then drags him out of the store.

She is applauded by feminist and non-feminist, by men and women alike for being a wonderful parent.

Men using violence against women is not acceptable. Because women are people. Parents using violence against children is perfectly acceptable. Why? Our society views children as the property of the parents. As objects. Not as people.

Children exist to satisfy their parents egos. When not needed – as in the example Robyn and I witnessed – the children can safely be ignored. Until you need a photo to post on Facebook.

Try communicating with somebody who is a bad parent sometime. Tell him or her that:

  • Children are people not objects.
  • They should pay more attention to their children and stop sloughing their children off on babysitters.
  • They should supervise their children in public.
  • They should interact with and play with their children.
  • They should use reason and negotiation to deal with their children as opposed to physical punishment.
  • They should take an active role in their child’s education instead of shipping them off to some school where there taught nothing by people who don’t care about them.

Upon hearing any or all of these statements bad parents will immediately accuse you of hating children.

How does all of this relate to the mother letting her two daughters run wild in the bar? She was clearly not prepared to supervise her children while they were in a public place. She was clearly not prepared to interact with her children. She could have had a drink or two and played with her daughters in the toy & game section of the bar. Instead she boozed outside with the adults while the daughters were left to their own devices.

Why would you take your children to a bar where you are going to drink with your friends? Your dog, sure. Give it a pan of water and tie it to the fence. But your kids?

She was not even prepared or willing to dump her kids off on a babysitter. Her priority was to drink alcohol while her children negotiated an unfamiliar environment surrounded by strangers.

She had those children as trophies. To gratify her ego. To elevate her social status. Or maybe one of the other reasons people have had children.

  • “My friends all have children.”
  • “I failed as a football player / doctor / engineer and I want my child to succeed in my place.”
  • “Babies are cute.”
  • “If I have a baby the married man I’m having sex with will divorce his wife and marry me.”
  • “If we have a baby all the problems in our marriage will vanish and we will love each other.”
  • “I need somebody to provide for me in my old age.”
  • “I could have gotten an abortion but the new season of Breaking Bad was out so I didn’t have time.”
  • “It was an accident.” (An accident? What? You tripped and fell and landed on a man’s cock? Ever heard of birth control?)
  • “I have a right to have children.”
  • “I’ll get an increase in my welfare payments and food stamps.”
  • “God wants us to have children. Birth control is a sin.”
  • “I couldn’t afford birth control because my cable TV bill is so high.”

None of these are legitimate reasons to have children. There is only one legitimate reason to have a child. You are willing to spend 18 years of your life setting aside your ego, your boozing and your TV habits to spend that time transforming a child from a helpless baby into a productive, a responsible, a mentally & physically healthy human being.

Bad parents, you’ve got homework.

Read: NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children

Read: Your Kids Are Your Own Fault: A Guide For Raising Responsible, Productive Adults

Blast From The Past: Make Parenting a Priority

As Ask Us Fort Collins winds down He Said / She Said powers up. We will be launching officially with our first blog post on Monday. Assuming Skippy can get his shit together. So . . . maybe sometime next year.

Until then, we continue to revisit the past and your poor parenting skills with this advice from Robyn.


Dear Bad Parent(s),

I have a question for you: When did you decide that parenting wasn’t high on your priority list? I have another question: Where did you EVER get the notion that it was a good idea to leave two little girls to their own devices in a BAR? And yet another: At what point did you make the decision that getting drunk was OK in this situation? You obviously forgot your responsibilities for the day. How embarrassing. You SHOULD be embarrassed. You did what was easy for you that day, not what was right.


It looked to me like you have decided that your little girls are at the age where it is time for them to raise themselves. Forget age 18, at age 5 it is high time for them to take their own lives into their hands and find their way in the world, right? WRONG WRONG WRONG.

I am going to come right out and say it. You are selfish parents and put your children at risk that day, not just from a possible kidnapping, but also a risk that they will be complete selfish assholes when they grow up.

Children’s brains are like sponges. Do you know that from birth to age 10 is when we (as in humans) solidify our learned behavior and retain the most information?

Lessons taught to your young girls that day:

1. It is OK to damage other peoples property.

2. If you make a lot of noise, it doesn’t bother people around you.

3. All food is fair game no matter who may want some.

4. Everything is about “me” and what “I want.”

5. Nobody cares what I do so I might as well do whatever I want.


You have come to a point where you are avoiding responsibility.

I have to wonder if you use excuses for your child’s behavior in sticky situations. Do you play the blame game? Point fingers at everyone and everything but yourselves? Do you have a “kids will be kids” attitude? Was this how you were raised? I hope not.

I feel like parenting has certainly changed from when I was a youngster, AND I feel like parenting is now a touchy subject. There are theories as to what is right, and what is wrong. To spank, or not to spank? That is the question. Sometimes I think the parents need a good spanking, or a time out to think about what they’ve done. I think that is what should have happened that day at the restaurant. Parents have a hard time saying “no;” and instead of discipline, they reason with their children. I’ve seen parents make deals with their children for good behavior or, they just simply let things be. YOUR CHILDREN LOSE RESPECT FOR YOU WHEN THIS HAPPENS. When you let your child get away with whatever they want, why should they listen to you when you finally decide to correct their behavior? You have already lost control.

The control is lost and you let it happen. So you sit idly by, drinking your mimosa, KNOWING that no one will say anything to you about your children. No one would DARE come up to you and tell you to correct your child’s behavior. Why? BECAUSE PARENTING IS SUCH A TOUCHY SUBJECT. That’s why everyone in that restaurant, including myself, just watched it happen, frankly too stunned to know what to do. I hate to break it to you, and I really mean this, but if you didn’t pay attention the first time, IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. The end. No questions asked. No one should have to tell you to correct your child’s behavior. Not only that, this behavior was encouraged because it was so “cute” that you felt the need to capture it on film and probably post it on Facebook fifty times over.

This one is really easy, and I promise it wont hurt too much to think about… at least watch your children!

You finally decide to watch your kids. They do something wrong, and you need to discipline them Any punishment will be confusing to your kids if they don’t know what they did wrong in the first place. You should use discipline to teach. From what I observed, you are not teaching them what is right or what is wrong. Parents, you are their very first teachers AND the most important teachers in their lives. Always. For life. Not the patrons of the restaurant, nor the management, YOU.

Quick side note: I do think that management should have intervened, or that someone should have said something to the management. As patrons and employees of the restaurant, we let the parents get away with what was happening. Once more though, it is not our responsibility. It is your responsibility (have I said that enough yet?).

zbehaving like you

A Plea:

It’s not too late to step up to the plate. Its not too late to establish some routines and encourage good behavior. Do what is right, not what is easy. Give your children the love and attention they deserve without letting them control you. Find a way of discipline that resonates with your children and teaches them the understanding of right and wrong. Check yourself and your behavior, for children will emulate you because they look up to you (in other words, don’t get drunk in front of your kids). Please ensure their health and safety at all times. They are yours. Keep them well.

Blast From The Past: Parenting. You’re Doing It Wrong.

This was one of our most popular posts ever. And by popular I mean pissing people off. Everyone has an opinion about raising children.  No one gets their panties more in a wad than breeders who are told they have no parenting skills.

Here’s a bit of good news for ya though.  Robyn and Skippy will be cranking it up over at our new home on Monday, June 1st.  To start things off we will be posting every Monday.  Skippy will be writing the first post and Robyn will be posting the next Monday.  Come experience the deliciousness and get your panties in a wad at He Said / She Said.

Until then, there is today’s blast from the past about parenting and how some people are definitely doing it wrong.


A true story; as retold by Robyn and Skippy.

One fine Sunday morning at a local restaurant and bar, Robyn and Skippy sat enjoying the brunch buffet and dollar mimosas when suddenly…..



Two young girls, under the age of 5, clearly related had just entered the bar in their Sunday best. Their mother showed them to the section that held adult bar games such as: giant Jenga, giant Ker-plunk (where you take the sticks out and the balls drop) and assorted card games. Then, Mom promptly disappears. Cue the natural disaster that ensues. The girls are off and running (around the bar that is) and wreaking havoc on anything they can get their hands on. The giant Jenga game is all over the floor and made a great musical instrument (as we all found out) if you knock the pieces together. The balls are rolling around everywhere from Ker-plunk and the cards are scattered underfoot. There is arguing and crying and yelling and chaos and THE PARENTS ARE NO WHERE TO BE SEEN.

Except for one moment, one precious moment when Mom comes in to check on them for oh, about 20 seconds. Just long enough to take a picture with her IPhone and promptly head outside where her party was sitting. She didn’t even acknowledge the fact that the place was a disaster.

Mom gone, the chaos continues. This time the two girls decided to make their rounds at the buffet, sticking their hands in the food and touching all the cookies in a quest to find the ones that was just right. The just right ones were consumed. The rejects put back on the cookie tray. And why shouldn’t they? No one was there to tell them “no.”

At another point the youngest tromped about the room with butter knife in hand. Good thing we were not at a steak house.

The best part was when Robyn went to the restroom she could hear the older girl singing to herself in a stall. After a while Mom comes in and finds her little girl in there. She starts mildly scolding (more like reasoning with) her daughter about running off and not telling her where she went. The kicker: Mom is drunk and holding, what I would guess to be, mimosa number 7 or 8 in her hand.

We watched the proceedings with open mouths and incredulous looks. Why was nothing done on the management’s part OR the parent’s – whose responsibility it is in the first place?

When the family finally left, Mom came back inside to collect her children, tried unsuccessfully to put a couple of the balls away, failed and walked out the door. Unbelievable.

Blast From The Past: Choose Your Destination

Ah candy.  It’s so yummy.  Ya know what else is yummy?

Skippy’s first post for Ask Us.

And our new home He Said / She Said.  Gods forbid I don’t pimp that.  You know the drill by now.

Dear At A Crossroads;

Better to be at a crossroad than a dead end. That’s the good news. The bad news is that either your GPS is faulty or you’ve entered the wrong destination.

Down one of those roads is casual sex and shallow relationships. Down the other road is the potential of marriage and commitment. This is indeed your crossroads. And it sounds like you’re trying to get to Denver from Fort Collins by driving north.

You said the commitment is terrifying to you. Of course it is. Look at the average person in his or her mid 20s as you are. Attention spans maxed out at 140 characters or 20 seconds, new jobs every two years, new sex partners every two months, new iPhones every year, a constant consumption based culture driven by the fetishizing of technology. You’re looking for commitment in a culture that’s not interested in commitment.

I know people who started with random sex and moved to love. It can happen. But it’s not a matter of which comes first, it’s a matter of being receptive to commitment. And you are – as you have noticed – doing a great job of avoiding emotional intimacy.

“Does taking the easy road mean I won’t be ready for the hard road?” Yes. If you train to run 5 miles on flat land at sea level then try to run 50 miles in the mountains you’re not gonna finish.

But if you stop the casual sex right now that’s not going to help because the casual sex isn’t the problem. It’s a symptom. Thanks to a perfect storm of technology and society you have easy access to a large number of men willing to have sex with you. And why shouldn’t you take advantage? How many men contact you each day on your smart phone? Your hypergamous desires are on overdrive.

Welcome to the Candy Store.

Ask Us Fort Collins girls in the candy store

Solution time. What can you do now to create a situation where you will not miss this “right one” when/if he comes along?

1. Do you know for sure what your standards are? Make a list of the attributes you want in a man. I know it sounds stupid and touchy-feely. (You can tell I’m real touchy-feely can’t you?) Do it anyway. Be honest about what you put on the list.

You need this list for two reasons.

First, if you are aware of what you are looking for that makes you more likely to notice it when encountered. This aspect of how our minds and perceptions work explains why you buy a new car and suddenly notice all the other cars on the road of the same make and model.

Secondly, you need to solidify your own understanding of what you are looking for so you know what you are looking for. Duh, right?

What should be on this list? For women the typical standards are: Muscles, a motorcycle, goals (the female code word for “money”) and confidence. Write those down. Don’t pretend they aren’t on your list.

Add the stuff you mentioned. Commitment, trust, honesty, “maybe babies”. Add “wants to get married” to the list.

Add the other stuff you haven’t mentioned but will think of.

Now, you want honesty right? That means you are going to be honest in return right? When he asks “How many guys have banged you before me?” you are going to tell the truth. Thus your list also includes a man who will not get hung up on your sexual past. Some men are gonna have problems with that. Some aren’t.

Ask Us Fort Collins girl to penis stats

2. Make a list of what you are bringing to this relationship. Yea. You read that right. Most people focus on what they want from others. What do you offer in return. You wrote that you think you’re a catch. That doesn’t matter. Does this man you are looking for, this man who is going to want to marry you, this man who meets all YOUR expectations, think you’re a catch? Men have expectations too. Keep in mind that men in your age range are rapidly loosing interest in marriage. The attitude of “I am woman. He will want me.” isn’t going to save the day.

When this marriage happens will you be able to give up the casual sex? In the list of things you want I notice monogamy wasn’t there. If monogamy isn’t part of the plan add this item to your standards for a man. “Will not divorce me for having sex with other men after we are married.”

You’re gonna have to stop shopping at the Candy Store.

As each year goes by you become less physically attractive, your Sexual Marketplace Value drops and the number of quality men available to you for marriage shrinks. This is offensive because it’s true. That’s how you recognize the truth. It hurts. You want a marriage to a quality man? The time to get serious is now.

Ask Us Fort Collins tracking female attractiveness

Your homework (in addition to making the lists) is to read “The End of Sex: How hookup culture is leaving a generation unhappy, sexually unfulfilled, and confused about intimacy” by Donna Freitas. If any of it resonates with you then respond accordingly.

You are at a crossroads and which road you take depends on your intended destination. A destination you are going to have to choose real soon. One path leads to the Candy Store. The other path leads to a man who meets your expectations. Put your phone away and find your true north.

Blast From The Past: You Will Not Go Blind

Here it is.  You were wondering where you left your underwear.  I found ‘em.

You damn kids get off my bed!

And get over to our new website at He Said / She Said.

Until morning and your walk of shame here is Robyn’s first post ever at Ask Us.


Dear “At a Crossroads,”

First of all, let me say that it is society that looks down on casual sex. And, although, there is a point where you do have to consider certain consequences of the STD variety, I see nothing wrong with sex of the casual nature. You are not dooming yourself. The saying “Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?” is nothing but BS. OK, maybe not always, but it has never worked out that way in my experience. There is no law in the dating world that says if you wait to have sex, you will end up in a better relationship. Why should that be a determining factor? What idiot thought that up? And, why do we idiotically think this is true? I do have to say that every situation is unique and with its own set of consequences of the emotional variety. Not to mention the emotional wreckage that can come from the second party involved. Have high standards; but know that no matter how many emotional walls you build, you never know when they will get knocked down. When they do get knocked down, then that is your signal that you can get more from the relationship than casual sex.

one night stand

The best advice I can give is: Never go looking for that strong connection of love. When a lion stalks a zebra, the zebra can sense that it is in danger and follows its instinct to run. It is the same with men. They can sense women on the prowl for commitment, and they tend to run from that.

lion zebra meme lion

The ‘waiting until marriage’ or ‘waiting until the time is just right’ ideas are also BS. In other words, the “WAITING” stuff is purely propaganda. I say, get it out of the way early. If you can’t connect in the bedroom, how can you possibly connect in the relationship as a whole? I know couples who waited to have sex and wound up divorced, in part because they were not compatible in the bedroom. Sex has been swept under the rug for so many years, and needs to be faced head on and with conviction. The guilt ridden bedroom scenario has got to go. I am not saying that everyone should grab a partner and ‘do-si-do;’ rather, feel out the situation first, know the consequences, and make sure you trust whoever you are with. Being naked in a private room with someone is just about the most vulnerable situation anyone can be in. Just, please, be safe and smart (this is the mama in me coming out).

Now, there will be a time when you will have to ask yourself THE QUESTION. You have to ask yourself (and be honest): Are you ready for the emotional stuff? ARE YOU READY? Now, I’m not a bettin’ woman, but I would put money on the fact that you will suddenly find yourself in an emotional relationship that was born as a casual relationship. That is when you have to STOP, LOOK and LISTEN (as cliché as that might sound).

STOP! Step back for a second. Assess what is going on. Find your emotional walls and discover how much they are breaking down.
LOOK. Dig really deep into yourself (not with his penis) and look at the person you have become, where you are in life at this moment, and where you may be going. Are conditions perfect, or at least close to ideal? Is it time for a bright and sunny spring, or is winter coming?
LISTEN. Above all things, listen to your instincts! You know that pull in your stomach when you know something is off? Is that little voice in the back of your head telling you to run? Don’t second guess this voice. Don’t question it if it is telling you NOT to run. Your very first instinct is the correct answer. Don’t confuse yourself. Don’t debate your emotions. GO WITH IT.

One last question you should ask yourself. Are you happy? It is the most difficult, yet simple, question you will ever ask. What does happiness in a relationship mean to you? It is different for everyone, so I refuse to generalize what this entails. The only person who can make you happy is you. Find out what is in you that will make you happy. You must have a relationship with yourself and who you are, before you can ever have a relationship with anyone else.

Then, be ready to make the first move. Most men have failed Mind Reading 101.

womens logic

In the end, building the real deal will come naturally and it is not as much of a bumpy road as you may think. It’s more like a smoothly paved road with the occasional pot hole or speed bump. Your instincts will tell you when to slow down, speed up, yield, stop, or simply keep on cruising. Sit back and enjoy the ride.

Blast From The Past: Too Much Sex????

Way back in the day when we had to walk up hill to get to the internet Robyn and Skippy kicked off this blog.  Now we still have to walk up hill to get to the internet.  At least that’s what we tell all the kids.  Our new website will be even further up hill than this on is and you can find us in the future over at He Said / She Said.

Until then the blast from the past this week is our very first question ever.

Dear Robyn and Skippy;

Here is what my love life currently looks like: Awkward small talk, lust, sex, sex, sex, small talk, some more sex. Dry spell. Repeat.

This is how I one day envision my love life: Commitment, trust, honesty, LOOOOOOOVE, sex (lots of sex), marriage, maybe babies.

Too Much Sex in Fort Collins

You’ll notice distinct differences, and some areas that are not so different. Here is the thing, I don’t think what I am doing is wrong. I don’t feel the guilt, shame, depression, or any of those things people say you will feel if you just casual have sex. Its not wrong! Its gratifying, joyful, and a great way to kill some time. I usually have one partner for a month or two, before life becomes complicated and we naturally move apart. I always use protection, and I know my partners well in the friendship lite variety. I don’t sleep with everyone I meet, and I stick to my standards (though lust has a way of shifting them.) I’ve met some great people, had some great times, and made a lot of friends.

I’m drawn towards the casual, because in all honesty, I just haven’t met anyone that really meets my standards AND pulls on my passionate lust strings. I think I’m a catch, but a girl has certain needs. Also, let me be honest with myself, commitment is terrifying to me. I’ll admit it. Love opens you up to a world of pain that casual sex can’t even fathom. I would much rather rush into sex, than a committed relationship.

However, like anything, the coin has two sides. Casual sex also means casual emotions, for me. Though I do feel like sex is an expression of intimacy, I am definitely not as attached or connected to my partners as much as would be needed to have a relationship. Its not an intimacy of emotion or sharing after all, just the expression of it through the physical means. I may even go so far as to say, I look for people I can be casual with in order to forgo any emotional intimacy. I build strong walls.

Basically, I feel like I’m setting up bad habits. Someday, I am going to want a strong connection of love, and I’m afraid I just won’t know where to start after all the casual expressions of love; I won’t know how to be intimate. I’m starting to worry those walls may become permanent, since they seem to be getting a lot of the energy I could put towards building something more permanent in my life.

What do you think? Do you think I’m dooming myself even though I’m enjoying what I’m doing? That I won’t even be able to SEE a good man if he comes my way, adrift as I am in all the mediocre? Does rushing into sex too soon hurt the chances of making a mental connection, or is all that “WAITING” stuff purely propaganda? Does emotional intimacy need to come before physical? Does taking the easy road mean I won’t be ready for the hard road? Like I said, as far as saying no and building the real deal, I don’t even know where to start!


At a Crossroads

Read Robyn’s response here: She Says: You Won’t Go Blind

Read Skippy’s response here: He Says: Time To Choose Your Destination

But for now leave your comments below. What do you think?

Blast From The Past: Birth Control Methods That Work

Prom season just came and went.  Get it?  Came.  Nine months from now we will see what happens.

Speaking of things that are going to happen let me remind you that Robyn and Skippy will return to interwebz after some much needed time off at our new site He Said / She Said.  Tune in for more of the fun.

Until then, too late from prom night, but just in time for tonight . . .

It’s 13 Birth Control Methods That Really Do Work.

Good job. You took Robyn and Skippy’s advice when we wrote Dating To Impress: Destinations in Fort Collins. You took some hottie out on the town and now y’all are hot-n-heavy. Good job. Your next challenge is to avoid making a baby before you’re ready.

get some chuck e cheese birth control in fort collins

1. Spending time at Chuck E. Cheese.

Robyn says: Arguing, shouting, crying. And that’s just the parents. Nothing makes my legs lock faster than any time spent here watching other people’s kids misbehave.

Skippy says: Children running wild demanding attention. Spend an hour here. Now imagine you life is like this 24 hours a day.

2. Spending time at Cool Beans.

Skippy says: Drinking coffee while the kids run wild will not make it any better. Spend an hour here. Imagine this is your life. With or without coffee.

Robyn says: Once again, children behaving badly. Not sexy.

3. An I.U.D.

Robyn says: Ladies, I don’t have one, nor have I ever had one (I prefer Nuvaring) but I do have friends who have had them. They do hurt to get implanted, but I hear after that first couple of days they are ideal. Do your research before you get one though and always consult your doctor before making your decision.

Skippy says: The third most effective for of birth control. I’ve been told that in order to get an I.U.D. doctors prefer you have already had a child and you are in a relationship with a man. So much for owning your own body. Pharmaceutical corporations make a ton of money on birth control pills. They make next to nothing on I.U.D.s. Think about it next time you are telling me how much you hate the corporations.

4. Abstinence (that means not having sex).

Skippy says: The second most effective for of birth control. You can’t win if you don’t play. Effective but not an option for most people.

Robyn says: Abstaining from sex is about the only fool proof way. I couldn’t do it, though.

5. Only date ugly people and stay sober.

Robyn says: If you aren’t attracted to them then you wont want to fuck ‘em. Staying away from “beer goggles” is a must for guaranteed birth control.

Skippy says: Alcohol is responsible for many children. Now that weed is legal I wonder how many children will be born thanks to an evening of smoking a bag of green.

i am pregnant and you are the mother in fort collins

6. Homosexual sex.

Skippy says: If you get pregnant from homosexual sex then you will become famous. Talk about immaculate conception. Bonus points if one of you gets pregnant and you’re both men. This method is effective but not an option for everyone.

Robyn says: All the fun without the worry!

7. Babysitting for your friends. Or enemies.

Robyn says: Unless your friends have great kids, but even then they can be exhausting.

Skippy says: Before you buy a car you should rent the same make and model for a test drive. Before making a baby get paid to test drive one.

8. Sterilization.

Skippy says: The most effective for of birth control. I challenge you to get pregnant. Or get a woman pregnant.

Robyn says: It is much easier for the men folk to get this done. Fellas, if you don’t ever EVER want kids, just save yourselves the headache and get this done now. A little outpatient snip and you are good to go.

9. Exclusively using sex toys.

Robyn says: Ladies, two words: The Rabbit. You may have seen this particular sex toy on an episode of Sex and the City. I love mine. I think my husband is even a little bit jealous of it. His nickname is Richard and he moves like no man can. Best $90 I ever spent. Yes, they are pricy but worth it.

Skippy says: Sex toys rock. Don’t be intimidated by ‘em boys. Buying sex toys for your girl is way more fun than buying toys for your kids. Plus these toys you’ll never outgrow.

10. Oral sex.

Skippy says: Say what? Oh yea . . . talk to me.

Robyn says: Make sure it’s 50/50. Us ladies get burned sometimes. Not that I am holding a grudge or anything. Fellas, be nice to the V. We have to basically unhinge our jaws, try not to give in to our gag reflex while finding a way to breathe and looking sexy at the same time. It’s not easy.

11. Spend all your time playing computer games and texting. AKA having no social skills.

Robyn says: I hear on some computer games you can go have sex with other characters. And then there is sexting. Both very sterile options.

Skippy says: If you never talk to a girl you’ll never fuck a girl. If you ignore every boy around you you’ll never get fucked.

12. Masturbation.

Skippy says: There isn’t an ordinance against it in Fort Collins. Yet.

Robyn says: Masturbation is sex with someone you love.

playing with my wood in fort collins

13. Watching baseball.

Robyn says: There is nothing sexy about baseball. Unless you count eating hot dogs while watching the game. I guess that phallic symbol is kinda suggestive; if you like your penis covered in mustard and stuffed between two buns.

Skippy says: I’m not sure why watching baseball is effective birth control. I’ve never managed to stay awake more than 10 minutes into a game.

Blast From The Past: It’s A Good Day For A Beer

In fact, every day is a good day for a beer.  If you are still above the ground you deserve a cold one.  Things are winding down here at Ask Us and we are going to close things out be reposting some of our favourite posts from the past.  You’ll be able to find Robyn and Skippy at their new home He Said / She Said.  In a month or so we’ll be jumping back into the writing groove.

Now for today’s Blast From The Past.

You may not have heard but people in Fort Collins like beer. Wanna go out for a beer with your friends but can’t think of a reason to do so? Ask Us to the rescue.

1. It’s finals week.

Robyn: Finally, it’s finals. Drink some “forget the last 15 weeks of your life” juice. But not until your final final. Until then, stick to Red Bull and vodka.

Skippy: Finals week had ended. Finals week has started. Finals week is going to end. Finals week is going to start. It’s the middle of finals week. You didn’t study for your finals. You passed your finals. You flunked your finals. Or maybe you don’t have finals but finals week means the college kids will be gone soon.

2. The college kids are gone.

Skippy: What else is there to say?

Robyn: Finally you can occupy one of the swings at Drunken Monkey without having to knock over some drunk college kids to get one of those fish bowls.

The College Kids Are Gone in Fort Collins

3. The college kids come back.

Robyn: Shit. There goes any hope of efficient traffic in all of Fort Collins. You will want that beer to get over the last 30 minutes you spent on College Avenue trying not to hit students on bikes and stopping at every stop light so they can cross the street.

Skippy: A beer with a shot of whiskey. There goes the neighbourhood.

4. You just finished hiking Horsetooth.

Robyn: Hell, drink one to get up the mountain, another at the top, and one on the way down. That’s motivation enough for me!

Skippy: Whether you actually just hiked around Horsetooth or if you are using “Hiking Horsetooth” as a code phrase for a sex act that involves three people, a two foot long gummy worm and a riding crop – I’d say an accomplishment like that deserves a cold one.

5. First date.

Skippy: About to go on a first date? On a first date? Just survived a first date? Drink up.

Robyn: Nothing like a little courage to make this date fantastic. Bonus points if your date is into drinking beer and not foo foo drinks. This is the Napa Valley of beer for goodness sake, might as well enjoy it!

6. Breaking up.

Skippy: That person is finally gone and now you are free. Oh the possibilities that lie ahead for you. First on the list? A beer. You might meet someone cute at the brewery.

Robyn: Don’t get us wrong, drinking won’t solve anything, but it will be a nice distraction in the interim. And, like Skippy says, you might meet the perfect rebound at your beer drinking place of choice.

7. You ran into a bar because it started raining.

Skippy: It’s going to stop in 20 minutes because that’s how Colorado rolls. But since you’re here . . .

Robyn: And even when it stops raining, go ahead and have another!

8. You need to do something to pass the time until the next bar or brewery opens.

Skippy: In Fort Collins if any piece of commercial property stays vacant for more that 3 weeks someone is going to install a bar and start serving alcohol to minors. Especially if it’s the space formerly known as Lindens.

Robyn: Just sit back on the patio of the brewery next door, relax, watch the remodel, and get ready to be the first in line for a tasting.

9. Drunk tweeting.

Skippy: I know my tweets are more entertaining when I’m drunk than when sober. Consider it a public service.

Robyn: Other people’s tweets are more entertaining when you’re drunk too!

Are You Drunk in Fort Collins

10. You ran out of beer at home.

Skippy: One day you will learn to keep a properly stocked fridge. Until then you many have to fall back on plan B and go out for a beer. It will cost more but there are some benefits.

Robyn: Benefits include that wonderful fresh beer taste right from the draft. Ahhhh. Nothing like it in the world.

11. Conversations overheard in bars.

Skippy: Even better than drunk tweeting. The stories of lost clothing, half-remembered hookups and bad pickup lines make it all worth while. You have to choose your destination wisely however. You need enough people to increase your odds of good conversations to listen in on but it has to be quiet enough for you to listen in without being obvious.

Robyn: In other words, not the Rio on a Friday or Saturday night.

12. Hot bartenders and waitresses.

Skippy: The people who work at the bar probably aren’t going to fuck you ’cause they have their choice of everyone who comes in the bar. But if you play your cards right you might get comped. If ya know what I mean.

Robyn: Plus, beer makes you charming, right? Right? Haaa!

13. Beer.

Skippy: This one is pretty obvious but sometimes people need to be reminded.


Do – the thing that buys me beer
Ray- the guy who serves me beer
Me- a name I call my beer
Fa- a long long way to beer
So- I’ll have another beer
La- la la la la la beer
Te- No thanks I’m drinking beer
That will bring us back to beer, beer, beer, beer.

Hit Tonys in Fort Collins

If you don’t have a cold one in your hand by now . . . what are you waiting for?

What Happened To All Those Opinions?


Greetings y’all.  You might be (or might not be) wondering what the heck happened to Robyn and Skippy.  That was a sudden decline.

Yea.  It was kinda.

Here is some facts.

Blogging is not only a stupid word it’s also hard work.  I laugh so hard I almost piss myself every time some idiots says “I’m going to quite my job and blog for money.”  No.  You are going to quit your job and live on food stamps and welfare.  Very few people make a living blogging and you aren’t going to be one of them.

But I digress.  Let’s talk about smart people.

Robyn and I have been doing this since August of 2013.  We need some time off.  That’s why you aren’t going to see any fresh content here at Ask Us.

We are intending to return to writing however.  Different site.  Different format.  Still opinionated.  Still answering questions you may have.

We don’t have a definitive timeline right now because our brains hurt and our lives are both mad busy right this moment.

Until then you’ve got some options.

All the posts here at Ask Us aren’t going away.  Cruise through our past writings and see if you find anything useful to you.

If you need more grumpy old man attitude in your life get your ass over to Twitter Roach to read more of Skippy’s bitching and listen to his podcast.

If in need of advice Consult An Asshole is there to help you out until Robyn and Skippy are once again taking submissions.

Meanwhile you can bookmark the site that will become our new home.  He Said She Said Fort Collins.

Until then y’all have fun and do good things.  We’ll see ya down the road.